Grammar Nazi

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This thread is a condensate of pure rage. To see calmer articles, refer to your browser's "Back" button.

There are some people, that from now one we'll call dickheads, who use English as a first language every day and still have the HUGE GUTS to rape their stupendous language. I'm watchin' you, you damn dipshits that dwell in the cesspools of Facebook, that delve the caves in MySpace, that excavate the threads on imageboards - smattering your faeces-stenching excuse for an approximation of English language all over the corners of Internet.

It is a sin against humanity.

The misuse of grammar is an abomination that screams horribly from its birthbed, repulsive to men and gods by his own existence only. Though your brain matter must be a filler for the over-sized cavities of your simian-phrenological-exhibit skull, I hereby have decided, in my magnanimity, to illustrate you the "intricacies" of grammar, or at least the basics you should have learned in third grade.

Every voice will be completed with a number of stars (★) varying from one to five: this is the RAGE factor, that relates to my wish to impale you with increasingly-girthed, different household objects when you mistake a spelling for another.

The hit list[edit]

There, They're[edit]

"There" is a word, often used in English, to point an object/place/location which is far from the speaker. "They're" is a contracted form of "They are", in which "They" is a pronoun for the third plural person. When you write a "there" for "they are", "they" strip a kitten of all his cuteness making him become a repulsive, horrible, fiery beast to keep afar from children.

Rage factor: ★★

Their, There[edit]

Oh, still our friend and mine, the word "there", in one of his frequent misuses. I don't know what is the middle man's "beef" (the use of these modern and... "hip" words make my pants tingly) with the possessive adjectives, but it's probably related to Satan's intervention and subsequent probing into the minds of innocent kids. This pernicious error is repeated in numberous publications, and whenever it appears on Internet web sites, you know someone has screamed for mercy that night.

Rage factor: ★★

It's, Its[edit]

"It" refers to an neuter third person, while "its" is the possessive adjective for such person. Now, imagine that person is something you love and treasure since childhood, like a stuffed bear that you used to carry to bed. It's a cute vision, right? But anytime you refer on a written page to one of the pleasant memories you have with it, using "it's" instead of "its", its belly suddenly opens revealing an hive of maggots, gelatinous and viscid creatures ready to burst out of its belly and evolve into disgusting, infection-carrying insects that will plant their putrid eggs under the skin of your eyelids.

Rage factor: ★★★

You're, Your[edit]

I shall repeat myself so that you understand (no, not about the part of the eyelids. I reckon it's an image that, fortunately, will scar you enough to never forget it): "Your" is a possessive adjective, to define anything it's yours, while "You're" is a contracted form of - God help me - "you are". You're up for some first-class seat, in a fancy and still-functioning garrota retrieved from secret interrogation cells of 1940s Spain - if your grammar is emblazoned with such outstanding offenses. The rust on the mechanism is left intact for historical and epidemiological reasons and for higher pleasure.

Rage factor: ★★★★

Weird, Wierd[edit]

Let me say this straight: the word "wierd" is a symbol for whatever is wrong with English. The fluctuating pronunciation of this Saxon dialect may lead the simpleton masses to think it should be spelled exactly in the same way as its correct counterpart, "weird." But we are no lowly pigs; we are men, as little and cowardly as we are, we must assume a bold, erect position. We shan't thrive in the lust of blissful ignorance. Whether you write "wierd", you mark yourself as the scum of the earth, good only for the earth itself when buried.

Rage factor:

Acronym redundancy[edit]

I won't go in detail with this, since you should feel enough miserably by the time you arrived here. But let me show you a simple example: "ATM" stands for Automated Teller Machine. "Automated" because it executes a series of operations without your input (which would make it die), "Teller" because you can read the results on the mysteric, technological luxury of a LCD display, and "Machine" because it's not a living being and there are no gnomes working inside of it as your poor, poor soul would think. So, when writing "ATM machine" you imply "Automated Teller Machine machine." When spelling such heresy upon a transaction, you will be deprived of a pound of your flesh as an additional fee with a completely automated buzzsaw that will avoid your vital organs, while leaving the pain still intact.

Rage factor:

Conclusion[edit]

That said, if you don't want to feel the hatred of the almighty Gods towards your children, you better follow the principles I've enunciated until now. As a side note slightly related, if you were to find some syntactical, grammatical, orthographical errors... let me tell you that yours truly is not a native English speaker, and that my fingers can also occasionally mismatch single typing acts.