Soviet Russia

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The Arm[edit]

Unpopular state worker becomes butt of many joke. Day after unfortunate tractor accident, comrades from her village place severed arm in unpopular state worker's bed, and wait for morning to laugh. Morning comes and they enter room to find her eating arm. Horror results, because arm is enough to feed three comrades, and she will not share!

The Apparition[edit]

Vladimir was reaching for towel when he saw it. Something in mirror, darting out of his line of vision. He stared at mirror for a while, trying to work out what he'd seen, drinking vodka from bottle in meantime. There was nothing but reflection. He beginning to dry himself, and he saw it again. Flickering out the corner of his eye, something in mirror! He stepped out of the shower and towards the mirror.

Vladimir's wife, Tatyana, arrive home later that evening, but Vladimir is nowhere to be found. After searching shack, all she could find of him was towel lying on floor. Tatyana phone KGB like good Soviet woman.

KGB inform Tatyana that Vladimir saw gypsy in mirror, and that Vladimir give chase like strong comrade should. Glorious Communist State give Vladimir award for catching gypsy; two bottles of vodka.

Two days after gypsy-catching, Tayana disappeared from face of Earth. Unfaithful capitalist whore executed for wasting valuable KGB time.

The Babysitter[edit]

Babysitter home with young boy and young girl. She get call parents, who are working night shift in factory asking if everything is fine. She tells them da, but the large statue of Lenin in daughter's room is unsettling.

Later, she is arrested by KGB for calling great father of motherland "unsettling". She is sent to count trees in Siberia.

Such is life in Moscow.

The Bartender[edit]

When cold out, go to oldest bar in St. Petersburg. If you sit in the stool far from the door while one beside is empty, order round for yourself and offer to "buy one for Terrible Ivan". The bartender will without question or expression give you a bottle of vodka. He then place one beside you and the moment other one hits table the room will go dark and silent. Then bartender beat you and steal money, but his brother is police so they never catch him. My arm never heal right, such is Russia.

The Camera[edit]

Young boy finds pictures lying on side of road. Pictures show girl, in distance. Girl looks like sister, but cannot tell. As boy flips through pictures, girl gets closer and closer. When almost home, he makes it to last picture, where girl is eye to eye with camera.

Girl comes out of home. In driveway, she finds pictures. Pictures show boy who looks much like brother, but is too far away to tell.

Girl throws pictures away. She will scold brother when he gets home, for buying American camera to play with. Even young must support motherland!

The Coffin[edit]

In Russia, coffin has pipe for air, and bell with string. If man is true Soviet, he does not die. When buried, yells for undertaker and rings bell.
Bell rings. Is no wind.
Undertaker asks - "Are you lady Gorbochev?"
Voice says "Yes!"
"Born winter of 1927?"
"Yes!"
"Gravestone says 'Died 20 February, 1957"
"Niet, am still living!"
"Am sorry, but is August. In June, ground will thaw. You must wait for June."

And woman is true Soviet, waits for June.

The Daughter[edit]

Once I hear story about girl in Chaplygin. She was asleep in her bed, when she feel lick on her hand. She thinks it is dog and goes to sleep. Next morning, she finds note on dresser with dead head of dog. It says "Comrades can lick too." She screams.

Father comes upstairs, takes belt off and beats her. Moral of story is daughters should not yell in house like peasant. House is not Siberian pigsty. I worry daughter will never find good Russian husband.

The Doll[edit]

In rural Soviet town, small company tries to sell baby dolls. Woman who is pregnant buys doll, but when child is born, doll cries like ignorant American. Box says to "rock" child to sleep. Stupid woman is too soft. Doll will not stop crying. Woman decides to smash doll. KGB begins find dead infants, and mothers holding doll. Mothers understand, if infant is not strong enough to outlast doll, infant is not true Soviet!

The Dream[edit]

"Father, I had a bad dream"

You take a sip of vodka and roll over. You stare at the clocktower on Sobornaya Square it's 3:23. "Go back to sleep, there is work tomorrow."
"No, Father."
The familiar warm buzz of vodka starts to sink in. You can barely make out your daughter's pale form in the darkness. "Why is that, devochka moya?"
"Because in my dream, when I was about to go back to sleep, the thing wearing Mother's skin sat up." You pause, and face your daughter and look at her intensely. The figure behind you begins to stir.

"Don't talk that way about your brother, it is not his fault we have no money for coats. Such is life in Moscow."

The Father[edit]

Boris and I vere having nice discussion over latest news in Crimea when suddenly his phone ring. He pick up phone, give to me, say, it Natasha's dad. I pour us vodka and tell him Natasha's dad died heart attack when he heard Natasha prostitue in Leningrad. Boris pour me some Vodka. She had no choice, he tell me; things not the same since fall of Berlin wall. I agree. We drink. Such is life in Moscow.

The Farmer[edit]

Loyal Farmers till soil to feed people of Great Motherland. Soil not so good to make grain to feed people of Great Motherland so pig dog capitalist farmers shot and buried in soil.

Loyal farmers till soil to feed people of Great Motherland.

Such is life in Mother Russia.

The Flat[edit]

For weeks in Moscow I stay in terrible apartment with thin walls. Noise is coming from other places all hours of day and night. One day I find hole in my wall. Landlady will not fix. I offer vodka and she say she try. Later I find man in apartment. He is KGB here to arrest landlady for treason. I pour him vodka and we drink to the death of capitalists in Siberia. Life is good in Russia.

The Fugitive[edit]

One night man tries escape from gulag.

Makes his way to cabin in middle of tundra. Inside is plain, but many family pictures on walls. He falls asleep. In middle of night he is put in sack and dragged out. The next morning he is shot like dog.

Pictures are windows. KGB always watching.

The Ghost[edit]

It was dark rainy morning when the Jews came. Prebetschnaya village was overrun at first, but strong workers repelled Jews and defended women and potatoes with rusty spike and many rocks. Many dead Jews everywhere. Much rejoicing.

Except wicked Jews haunted village! Many reported seeing of large nose that night. It was Meschnaghast, Jewish Nose Monster formed from MANY dead Jew.

Entire town, except political officer, have vodka confiscated by People's Health Ministry. No such thing as Jew ghost; Jews not have souls. Jew bodies were taken and sent to glorious processing plant for feeding of all Soviet State.

The Gypsy[edit]

Elderly comrade go sitting in Chernboyl. Not know which direction go in since he not assigned to beet fields yet. Sit down on good worker bench but not tired because tired is bad for workers. Elderly gypsy go up to him, say "What third wish comrade?"

Comrade confuse since he not know of first or second wishes. Wishes for more food for family. Then KGB come and arrest both of them for hoarding. Gypsy get put to work in munitions factory. Old man put to work in beet field.

The Hitchhiker[edit]

Now is time for old tale.

Comrade was walking down forest road due to capitalist car breaking down. Comrade saw in distance KGB truck. In order to get back to beet field for all glory of Mother Russia comrade stuck out thumb. KGB truck stopped at side of dirt road. Comrade ran to truck and opened up passenger side door. Was sent to gulag for spying on secret KGB truck.

Such is life in Mother Russia.

The Letter[edit]

Man who live in humble soviet home receives many letter one day. Are big letter, with much content within.

Man open first letter, and find pictures of dead people inside. He knows there is to be more picture in the other letter, so no need to open. He burn letters for warmth.

Suddenly, man attacked from behind. Is soviet soldiers. Man did not distribute letters evenly among his peers for warmth from burn, so is executed.

The Locket[edit]

In small Ukrainian village, mother works hard to get work permit for daughter to work in Russia. Mother works hard every day. One day mother work so hard she faint, but continued working when recovered. Mother keeps fainting and gets sicker, but keeps working like true comrade. On deathbed, mother gives daughter locket. She tells daughter to only open it when she believes she can't continue with life.

Mother dies. Daughter gets work permit for Russia and works in screw factory. Years pass and one of daughter's comrades in factory asks about locket. Daughter tells him. Comrade asks her to open it. Years have passed and daughter is productive worker. Daughter finally opens it. In it was piece of paper that says:

"Only through hard work can the workers over throw the Capitalist fascists that threaten glorious Mother Land."

Logram's Run[edit]

Try this. Turn off music. Turn off TV. If you are greedy capitalist and have machine, turn off computer. Go to next room, and sit, do not dance, do not drink, be as quiet as Jew during pogrom. Does Comrade Russian hear sound? Itsy bitsy ringing? Glorious People say it is brain making up a sound to explain reason why Russian is not drinking or dancing.

People lied.

Silly Americans can not tell you what making sound, Smart Russians can because are not silly bourgeoise with book and film.

It is wail of gypsy. If gypsy is planning to steal item in house, evil gypsy wail alerts holy Russian Orthodox Church. Find gypsy, hit gypsy with hand, then drink Vodka until sound go away. Then hit gypsy child until child is no longer gypsy.

Such is life for gypsy in Russia.

And no amount of running will save you.

The Madman[edit]

In any city, in Motherland, go to any asylum you can get into. Go to the front desk and ask for man who calls himself "The Holder of the End". Should a look of puny fascist-like fear come over the strong communist worker, then you will be taken to a cell in the building. It will be in a deep hidden section of the building. The corridors will be silent like Spetsnaz killing a weak anti-communist soldier. You will begin to hear someone whispering to themselves, like brother Yuri after 3 bottles too much of glorious Russian vodka. It will be in a language you do not understand but even your courageous workers heart will know fear.

Should the talking stop at any moment, stop walking and yell "GREEDY CAPITALIST PIG! I WILL RAPE YOU LIKE SMALL CHILD." If you hear nothing then remove your trousers and enter the cell. If the whispering resumes like Russian workers after loss of only son then you may choose whether or not to remove pants.

When you enter the room you will see small weak man who has not had beets in some time. He will be speaking in a language not russian, beat him until he speaks the tongue of the motherland.

When he learns the great language you will say the bloodied pile that was once a man "What happens when they go together?"

The fragile man will look into your eyes and answer in great detail. Some have gone mad and lost hope in this great land, do not worry they are in gulag now. After he finishes forget what he has told you for it is capitalist propaganda, kill him and feed him to your children in a beet stew.

The Phantom[edit]

Wake up in middle of night hours. Man knocking at door. You walk down stairs and answer door. No one there. Back upstairs. You hear knocking at window. Pull up blind. No one there. Phone rings. Says we are watching you. You hang up. You scared. You call militia. Sent to Siberia for conspiracy. Such is Russia.

The Phone[edit]

Young strong boy and girl of affection work in factory making T-34's. Someone calls phone and girl answers. It is manager who yells "DON'T ANSWER PHONE! MAKE TANK!" Girl is scared, and says, "But manager has no phone!" Boy punches girl in face for lying. KGB takes girl away to Siberia. Boy makes many tanks. Years later, he dies of pneumonia.

Such is life in Mother Russia.

The Picture[edit]

Once there was a small boy who went to school to become proud Russian Communist. He found of a picture of a pretty American girl with smile and two fingers into peace sign. He takes the photo around and no on is knowing her.

One night he hears tapping on window. He looks outside and it is the girl. "Fuck you American" he screams, and throws potatoes at her.

She keeps this up for several nights until boy is out of potatoes. He leaves his house to kill girl but is hit by a car instead. Driver gets out and takes the boy's photo. Girl is now holding a potato and has 3 fingers raised with a smile.

The Room[edit]

I check into small hotel a few kilometers from Kiev. It is late. I am tired. I tell woman at desk I want a room. She tells me room number and give key. "But one more thing comrade; there is one room without number and always lock. Don't even peek in there." I take key and go to room to sleep.

Night comes and I hear trickling of water. It comes from the room across. I cannot sleep so I open door. It is coming from room with no number. I pound on door. No response. I look in keyhole. I see nothing except red.

Water still trickling. I go down to front desk to complain. "By the way who is in that room?" She look at me and begin to tell story.

There was woman in there. Murdered by her husband. Skin all white, except her eyes, which were red.

I tell her I don't give a shit. Stop the water trickling or give me refund. She gave me 100 ruble credit and free breakfast.

The Spy[edit]

You are home to watch Pravda on televisir about degenerate murderer who is on the loose. You look out the window door to beet field, and you notice Man standing in the snow. He look like foto on televisir and he smile at you. You gulp vodka, picking up fone to your right and dialing Local Militia Precinct Commissar. Back out the glass you look, pressing fone to ear. Notice he now closer to you. You drop vodka in shock.

No footprints in snow. It was reflection. You dullard!

Your apartment is bulldozed down to make way for glorious tractor factory.

The Television[edit]

You are watching the television with comrade when television go to static. You worry debts to collection office not paid when woman bleeding from face climb out of television. You wake up several hours later and see television is off. You look at watch: big hand on 1, little hand on 9. You will be late for mandated service in the beet fields! You ... See Morelook to friend and say "We will be late for mandated service in the beet fields!" and he reply "I am sergeant Voronin, please present your documents." Then your apartment bulldozed to make room for glorious tractor factory. Such is life in mother Russia.

The Trotskyite[edit]

Legend is being going like this.

You entering bathroom and standing in front of mirror. Turning candles off and, while being in front of mirror, spinning rapidly, you chanting "Leon Trotsky" "Leon Trotsky" "Leon Trotsky" "Leon Trotsky", several times, while catching glimpses of self on mirror. It is said that eventually you be seeing image of Leon Trotsky on mirror.

Upon exiting bathroom you are being arrested by KGB for believing in existence of Leon Trotsky, whom the party as proven never existed

The Unknown[edit]

For weeks, there is creature outside my hut looking in. It is either capitalist spy or comrade that wants vodka. Either way, I will end up in gulag.

The Vixen[edit]

Is said in Stalingrad, in poor sector where prole lives, there is house. If comrade will knock on door, it will open. Beautiful girl lead comrade inside by hand. She have sexy bottom if comrade thinks like American pig.

She lead comrade deep in to the house, past door with secret sign for getting in, make promise of lustful treachery in exchange for ruble, surpassing comrade's love for motherland! Comrade rejoices.

She-bitch kills comrade. She is vile serpent from the dark places and feasts on steaming entrails. This is proper punishment for one who would compete with glorious government rape camps.

The Voice[edit]

It was cold snowstorm in summer of 1958 in Stalingrad, little child on street freezing to dead.. little girl on corner suck american cock for money to provide money build glorious communism, suddenly loud noise.. people look they not see thing, suddenly big eagle strikes down shouting words: "EMBRACE DEMOCRACY, OR YOU WILL BE ERADICATED."

KGB kill bird have feast drink vodka and everyone rape little girl.

such is life in Soviet Russia

The Wart[edit]

Ever since young days, I have hideous growths on hands. I ask parents to bring me to doctor for removal, but no will fix for under 600 rubles, and going price known to be only 500. I drink much vodka, and prepare to remove growths myself. Using potato peeler, soon all are gone. I not even yell, like many a capitalist pig. Once growths are removed, they glow greenly in garbage. Parents know now that Chernobyl is not good vacation site. Such is life in Russia.

The Woman[edit]

You in cold tent in the night with your woman. You and woman begin procreation to strengthen the Motherland's numbers. Your woman's phone begins to ring. She answer it, and her face drop. The weak one begins to weep; you ask about call. She says,"It was papa! He was sent to Siberia for talks of liberty!".

NO PHONES IN SIBERIA! WOMAN LIES AND GOES TO SIBERIA!

Glorious Comrade Lenin[edit]

Lenin