DQN Short Novel (Part 12)
As the first book draws towards its cataclysmic conclusion, explosions abound throughout the known entire universe and several other universes as well. Taking inspiration from every Touhou game ever, it ends with a tea party.
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Chapter Twelve: Butchered Twilight Fragments
Featuring the Magical Magistrate and his Petulant Petition.
In which the townsfolk celebrate over the butchered fragments of Edward Cullen's body. (Haha, only kidding! It's the last chapter so it's full of unnecessary amounts of explosions, killing major characters off and nonsensical revelations.)
The Piazza San Marco took on an unearthly pallor in the light of the setting sun. The Magical Magistrate, better known as King Alistair Xavier Chang-Mortensen III, was napping lightly. It was his birthday a few days ago, and had celebrated with his chums on a 40 hour alcohol-and-stimulant binge. He was still recovering.
Without warning, the fragile tranquility of this scene was shattered by the return of Tharsh and the Great Sky Loli, who had formed an alliance. They then took a nasty shit. "Meow," said the shit, which had gained sentience due to the radioactive nuclear explosive hyper dark anti-fusion bomb which had formerly been in the possession of one Mr. Gray.
"Our shit is meowing!" the GSL and Tharsh exclaimed in chorus.
"It must be these radioactive nuclear explosive hyper dark anti-fusion bomb sunglasses," realized the GSL, slowly removing off the aforementioned eye-wear which was upside-down and glowing with radioactivity. This act caused the universe to explode.
The author was killed in said explosion and several other parallel universes were also destroyed.
In one particular parallel universe, however, Jack Noir didn't exist. It was a beautiful day in New Yugoslavia and the Great Sky Shota was playing serendipitously on the shore. Mr Brown sat down on the grass and drank a leisurely cup of coffee. His thoughts were centred on the Manchurian pepper mines, in which a group of canine assassins were gathering in order to seize the Mighty Dong of the Dong Empire.
A notoriously veiny Popeye cosplayer was searching desperately through the supermarket trying to find spinach in a can. In this particular parallel universe, spinach was fatally poisonous. The cosplayer intended to commit suicide that night. However, funnily enough, the supermarket did not sell lethal poisons. With a sigh of resignation, he grumbled, "Well, blow me down!" which a passerby took to mean as Popeye cosplayer needed a blow to his skull's coronal suture to send him plummeting through the earth like a jackhammer.
As the passerby hopped into the air, can of spinach in hand, suddenly a Bluto cosplayer appeared and hijacked the thread, because he was, in fact, Beady Eyes in disguise.
"I am your mother!" quoth the cross-dressing Freud clone that barged through the door, crushing Beady Eyes behind it in the process.
Suddenly, a huge explosion followed by an explosion that was even bigger and better was a signal to all that this was now a Michael Bay film. Suddenly, Michael Bay exploded.
Surveying the scene from afar, an elderly Robotpa also exploded. "LUDICROUS GIBS" announced the surveyance monitor. The monitor then proceeded to explode. It appears the universe is beginning to collapse in on itself.
"There is only a matter of time to escape this thread! I'd say 32 posts to be exact, I've seen a lot of threads in my time" announced none other than Mr Brown's daughter, a precocious young girl called Chorsh. To prepare for the happy doom that hung over their icy inevitable heads, she proceeded to chow down on french bread spread with nutella, getting crumbs all over skimpy summer wear.
"Oh no!" she lamented, "I've got nutella all over myself! There's even some under my bra... If only somebody would come and lick it off..."
At that moment, a very large, very hairy gnu with a pedo-smile and a heap of shittily-written open source utilities appeared and said, "Did someone say GNU?"
Predictably enough, everything exploded. Again. Including the gnu's rancid penis, which exploded into Chorsh's face. But that didn't really matter because that very second the entire universe imploded.
Meanwhile, in another alternate universe, everyone's underwear exploded. "Muhahahahaha!" cackled Beady Eyes. "My plan was a success!" He hadn't yet noticed that he had neglected to remove his own underwear, which had also exploded. "Oh fiddlesti-" he began to say, then he exploded as well.
A panda, remarkably, did not explode. He was too zen for that shit. Friedrich Nietzsche's ghost, however, was not. He exploded too.
Fortunately, ghosts are gaseous, therefore structural damage from their explosion is minimal. However, they still burn out a lot of ectoplasm. A nearby outcrop of bismuth crystals caused a worldwide sterilization of males due to its interaction with Nietzschean ectoplasm.
"Oh shit!" said God, "There's only ten posts left and all we've got is exploding ghosts and bismuth crystals! How are we going to resolve all the plot holes, develop all the characters, or coalesce the narrative into any sort of coheren-"
All this exploding was accelerating the expansion of the universe to dangerous speeds, bringing the heat death of the universe a few aeons closer. The only one that seemed to be still alive amidst the universal collapse was Squeeks. It was awful because all the death around him didn't bother him at all.
«WE SHALL MAKE ANOTHER THREAD!» shouted he, blinded by his madness, «NEXT THREAD WILL PUT EVERYTHING IN PLACE! EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY!!»
«Forgive me, mother, but I don't know what I was talking about with all that thread stuff. Everyone here has perished, and while I'm not particularly bothered by all the death, the corpses are extremely disorganized. Even worse, there is no one left to sort them into neat arrangements based on their fluffiness levels.»
Little did he know, a parallel, five-dimensional universe managed to defy all physical laws, allowing it to prosper forever without any of that scary scientific stuff.
In this very locale, the author and the GSL were having tea, when null pointer exception occurred.
All in all, it was a very long and unsatisfying story. The plot never did resolve and everyone was unhappy. Oh yeah, and they died, too.
>>999: Back cover of novel
For My Beloved Loli, her Panda, and all those who perished in the making of this novel
THE FIRST PART OF A STUNNING TRILOGY
YOU WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN
"What just happened" - New York Times
"A MILLION STARS" - Unnamed seven year old
★ x 1,000,000
"Excuse me may I post on the back cover here" - DQN-kun