DQN Short Novel (Part 8)

DQN Short Novel

An unusual alternate version of the Betrayal in Venice episode. To the untrained eye it appears completely unrelated, but the links are there if you look closely enough.

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Chapter 3 Version II: Nobody Cares About Venice

After the invasion of the Penis People of the planet Uranus, was defeated by the One-Eyed, One-Horned Flying Purple People Eaters, a flickering fluorescent hallway lined with marble statues stretched out before the eyes of the last remaining big fat butt. To commemorate the occasion, it said unceremoniously, "frrrrrrrrrp."

Shrouded in silent twilight, the Danube river took on an ethereal gleam, its silver surface reflecting the cloudy figure of the great loli in the sky as she drifted gracefully across the sky, eternally searching for her lost cat. The feline in question had died long ago, in a tragic teleporter accident that Prof. Kleiner still refuses to admit happened, but the great loli in the sky was OK with the idea of recovering her pet in a gaseous state, just as long as she got it back at all.

Little did she know that light years away, her cat had just been farted out the last remaining big fat butt. This cat, whose name was Alistair Xavier Chang-Mortensen III, had been an integral part of the East Prague Underground Democratic Movement; a group aiming to eradicate democracy, which everyone thought was kind of odd except for Prof. Kleiner, who was rather sober about the dichotomous shift.

Without the guidance of Alistair Xavier Chang-Mortensen III, the EPUDM stooped as low as accepting the application of one big fat butt, despite the clearly visible Snidely Whiplash moustache whenever you squinted at its shadow from just the right angle. This could not possibly end well, and few were surprised when, exactly seventeen days and one hour later, devilish acts of sodomy transpired in the catacombs. After all, the EPUDM was well-known for its fondness of devilish acts of sodomy.

What did surprise everybody was that during the sodomistic confusion, the moustached big fat butt had managed to infiltrate the depths of EPUDM headquarters.

You see, the teleportation incident had been no accident. The BFB had carefully engineered Alistair's transfer into his body, in order to orchestrate this very infiltration. The accidental flatulence of said leader had not been part of the plan, but the BFB wasn't too worried - he had already stolen Alistair's DNA and passwords, which was enough to make it through EPUDM security. He hardly imagined that a gaseous cat floating through space would be able to stop him now.

Now at the center of EPUDM and armed with full administrative power over their systems, the BFB rubbed his cheeks together with joy and prepared to finally enact his dastardly plan: swapping all their coffee with decaf, leaving their milk unrefridgerated, and, when nobody was expecting it, detonating the on-site emergency nuclear warhead.

His plan was surely flawless. Unfortunately for BFB, the great sky loli loved drinking lukewarm milk (if you know what I mean), and in fact had stored several small milk containers hidden underneath the detonation button. Thus, when it was pressed, the only thing to detonate was the console containing the button, with a pungent sour smell that would surely end up getting blamed on BFB.

Without warning, a squadron of armed soldiers wearing the Second Prussian Alliance Natural Killers insignia burst through the doors. In a rugged manly voice, the squadron leader shouted "YOU VIOLATED THE LAW! STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM!" But then BFB ran into a dark alley and removed his Gray Fox mask, and everyone was cool again.

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