DQN Short Novel (Part 23)
This chapter was written as part of a campaign to raise awareness of the dangers of anal masturbation and mechrofuusion device misuse. Don't let it happen to you or someone you love! Contact the Elitist Superstructure Propaganda Department for more information.
It contains 46 posts, 1619 words and 11998 characters.
Chapter 6. Goscone the Razorback Hog and his Ridiculous Rumpus
Early one September morning in 1993, the GSS was having a conversation with Goscone, his beloved pet razorback hog.
"Time travel is stupid, just like that dumb sister of mine. She is dumb and stupid and doesn't smell nice at all. Her hair is not soft and she does not make me feel funny and kind of nice to be around so STOP SAYING THINGS LIKE THAT BAKA BAKA BAKA!" said the GSS. While he was talking, he was also working on focusing his godly abilities to remove >>557,558 from canon. The idea of being fictional was very frightening and confusing to him, so, rather than accept the truth and play along with the story, he wanted to make the realization something that never occurred, and perhaps even make it so that that was not in fact actually the truth? Understanding the effects of manipulating literature was not one of the GSS's talents.
Goscone, on the other hand, was a razorback hog, and really didn't contribute much to the conversation beyond a few snorts and grunts. But, suddenly, Goscone found a mysterious text. It read as follows:
"One day while Andy was masturbating, Woody got wood. He could no longer help himself! He watched as Andy stroked his juicy kawaii cock. He approached Andy which startled him and make him pee everywhere on the floor and on Woody too. Being drenched in his urine made him harder than ever! Woody: "Andy Senpai! I'm alive and I want to be INSIDE OF YOU." Andy: "Oh Woody Chan! I always knew you were alive! I want to stuff you up my kawaii ass!" Woody grabbed a bunch of flavored lube and rubbed it all over his head Woody: "Oh my! It's cherry flavored lube! Cherry is my favorite! Woody then stuffed his head up into Andy's tight ass! The other toys around the room watched intently as Woody shoved his head back and forth into Andy's nice ass, continuously making a squishy wet noise. The other toys also became aroused and they all gathered around Woody and Andy and started to urinate all over them, and then they started to masturbate. Andy: "Oh my goodness, Woody Chan! You are churning my insides up so well! Your nose is stimulating my prostate! OH YES! All the other toys became so aroused by this, that they could not help themselves anymore! They pushed Woody completely inside, and they all went inside. All of them wanted to be inside Andy's nice round ass. Andy: "No wait guys! My ass cannot hold this much! I'm getting so full! All the toys went inside of poor squirming Andy and pretty much, he was beyond full, and died from having his insides completely damaged. The mother came inside and found Andy, dead with a huge ass hemorrhage on his anus, with a HUGE belly full of toys."
Goscone was never the same again.
Suddenly, a fifty foot tall radioactive butterfly came all over >>570 We need to get this thing off the front page, now.
And then the universe exploded. And then it tried to explode again, but merely farted. Although, technically speaking, it was less of a fart and more of an explosion. Even more technically speaking, it was less of an explosion and more of a ten dimensional space tearing Calabi-Yau space transcending flop transition.
What this all really means, though, is that it was an explosion. An explosion that smelled like a universe-filling fart.
Meanwhile in 1970's Soviet Russia Vlad I. Vostok looked up from his desk, sniffed, and then turned to his officemate.
"Anatoly, did you let one ripski?"
"Duuuuh I don't tink soze boss!" said Sodi Popinska, who was actually just an actor hired to pretend to be a stereotypical dumb henchman. Then the Kool Aid Man burst in through a wall going "OH YEAH!", and tore right through the Kremlin; hitting Sodi Popinska and killing him instantly, or so Vlad I thought. As it happens, Popinska was actually just a mannequin with a tape player inside anyway, so he wasn't alive to begin with.
Two weeks later, everyone died.
Back in Oxford, nobody died, apart from the tourists who were executed for building a bridge out of cinnamon cookies. Their execution was the best thing to happen to Oxford in years. However, the UN security council was gearing up for humanitarian aid and America was talking of "freeing" Oxford. It is in the midst of this tense political ballet dance that the infamous Battenburg insurgency began.
Although Mr Gray may, at first glance, have seemed likely to appear at this point in the narrative, he did not.
Thursh was busy reading over the latest Golf Aficionado and Umbrella Fan magazine when he got a call. It was from his future self in 1993.
"Don't build a mechrofuusion device," he said, sounding a little bit like Trush as well as himself.
However, Thursh did not realize this second bit, because he had never met anybody named Trush (or Thrush). Despite having a confusingly similar name, he had no relation whatsoever to either Trush or Thrush. He was, however, the evil twin brother of Tharsh, who had died but managed to regain his life in the form of a platypus-mecha-hybrid.
Thursh turned to his platypus-mecha brother Tharsh and said,
"I just got a call from my future self. He says he got a call from both our future selves concerning an event in the even further future with a likelihood of three standard deviations, which we ought not to be terribly concerned about, but should nevertheless take into account with respect to subsequent dealings."
"It is most inquisitive" Tharararsh said, pointing to the question mark hovering over Thursursh's head. Thorsh chuckled deighly and slapped his friend Tarsh on the back, causing Trash to stumble forward into Tharush who was busy talking to Thurash, the brother of Thurush (no relation to Thrash or Thraush) and Thaush.
Then T[[rh]+[au]+]+sh decided to fix the thresher, which had gotten all thrashed up by a thrashing thrash of threshing thrashers which included Thahahahsh, Thahahush, Thaharuahsh, Thahash, Thahaush, Thahrarahsh, Thahrarsh, Thahrash, Thahruararsh, Thahruhruhsh, Thahsh, Thahuhuarsh, Thahurarsh, Thahurash, Thahurursh, Thahush, Tharahruhsh, Tharahsh, Thararahsh, Tharararsh, Thararsh, Tharash, Tharauhsh, Tharaursh, Tharsh, Tharuarahsh, Tharuararsh, Tharuaraush, Tharuarsh, Tharuhash, Tharuhruhsh, Tharuhrursh, Tharuhursh, Tharuhush, Tharurahsh, Tharuraursh, Tharursh, Tharuruhsh, Tharurush, Tharush, Thash, Thauhahsh, Thauharsh, Thauhash, Thauhauharsh, Thauhrahahsh, Thauhsh, Thauhuahuhsh, Thauhuhrursh, Thauhurarsh, Thauhurauhsh, Thauhuraursh, Thaurarahsh, Thaurauharsh, Thaursh, Thauruahuash, Thauruarash, Thauruarauhsh, Thauruhahsh, Thauruhuhsh, Thauruhursh, Thaururahsh, Thaurursh, Thaurush, Thaush, Thrahahuahsh, Thraharuarsh, Thraharuhsh, Thrahash, Thrahaurahsh, Thrahauraush, Thrahrahruhsh, Thrahsh, Thrahurash, Thrahursh, Thrahurursh, Thrahush, Thrarahursh, Thrararaursh, Thrararsh, Thrararursh, Thraraurahsh, Thrarsh, Thraruarauhsh, Thraruash, Thraruharsh, Thraruhash, Thraruhaursh, Thrarursh, Thraruruahsh, Thrarurursh, Thrarush, Thrash, Thrauhruharsh, Thrauhsh, Thrauhush, Thraurahsh, Thraurahuhsh, Thrauraursh, Thraursh, Thrauruahursh, Thrauruharsh, Thraururash, Thraush, Thruahash, Thruahurahsh, Thruahursh, Thruarahahsh, Thruarash, Thruarsh, Thruaruhrush, Thruaruruash, Thruarush, Thruash, Thruhahauhsh, Thruhahsh, Thruhahuhsh, Thruhahursh, Thruhash, Thruhaursh, Thruhrauhuhsh, Thruhuhursh, Thrurahahsh, Thruraharsh, Thrurahrush, Thrurahsh, Thrurahursh, Thrursh, Thruruaharsh, Thruruararsh, Thruruarsh, Thruruhash, Thruruhrarsh, Thruruhsh, Thruruhuahsh, Thruruhuarsh, Thruruhursh, Thrururahsh, Thrurursh, Thrururuahsh, Thrurush, Thrush, Thuahahahsh, Thuahahash, Thuahahrarsh, Thuahahruhsh, Thuahahsh, Thuahahush, Thuaharsh, Thuaharuhsh, Thuahash, Thuahauhush, Thuahaursh, Thuahraruhsh, Thuahruharsh, Thuahrush, Thuahsh, Thuahuhahsh, Thuahuharsh, Thuahuhrash, Thuahush, Thuarahash, Thuarahuahsh, Thuarahush, Thuarararsh, Thuararsh, Thuararuhsh, Thuarash, Thuaraurarsh, Thuaraush, Thuarsh, Thuaruahuhsh, Thuaruaraursh, Thuaruhahsh, Thuaruharsh, Thuaruhrarsh, Thuaruhrursh, Thuaruhsh, Thuarurahsh, Thuarurarsh, Thuarurash, Thuarursh, Thuaruruahsh, Thuaruruhsh, Thuarurursh, Thuarush, Thuash, Thuhahrash, Thuhahrush, Thuhahsh, Thuhahuhsh, Thuharahsh, Thuharuhsh, Thuharursh, Thuhash, Thuhaurarsh, Thuhaurauhsh, Thuhauruahsh, Thuhaush, Thuhraush, Thuhruahuhsh, Thuhsh, Thuhuarahsh, Thuhuarsh, Thuhuash, Thuhuharsh, Thuhuhsh, Thuhurahsh, Thuhurarsh, Thuhurash, Thuhursh, Thuhush, Thurahahsh, Thuraharsh, Thurahruahsh, Thurahrursh, Thurahrush, Thurahsh, Thurahuhsh, Thurararsh, Thurarash, Thuraraush, Thurarsh, Thurarursh, Thurarush, Thurash, Thuraurahsh, Thuraurarsh, Thuraurash, Thurauraush, Thuraursh, Thursh, Thuruahsh, Thuruahuhsh, Thuruahursh, Thuruararsh, Thuruarsh, Thuruash, Thuruhahsh, Thuruharsh, Thuruhraursh, Thuruhruhsh, Thuruhsh, Thuruhuhsh, Thuruhursh, Thuruhush, Thururahsh, Thururarsh, Thururauhsh, Thururaursh, Thurursh, Thururuahsh, Thururursh, Thururush, Thurush, Thush, Trahahahsh, Trahaharsh, Trahahrush, Trahahursh, Trahararsh, Traharash, Traharsh, Traharursh, Trahash, Trahauruahsh, Trahrahahsh, Trahrararsh, Trahrarash, Trahrash, Trahraurash, Trahruharsh, Trahruhsh, Trahruhursh, Trahruhush, Trahrurahsh, Trahrurarsh, Trahruruhsh, Trahrush, Trahsh, Trahuarsh, Trahuash, Trahuhrahsh, Trahurash, Trahursh, Trahush, Trarahahsh, Trarahaursh, Trarahrahsh, Trarahrursh, Trarahuhsh, Trararsh, Trararursh, Trarash, Traraurash, Trarauraush, Trarsh, Traruaharsh, Traruarsh, Traruaruhsh, Traruarursh, Traruharsh, Traruhauhsh, Traruhrarsh, Traruhsh, Traruhuhsh, Traruhursh, Traruhush, Trarurahsh, Trarurarsh, Trarurauhsh, Traruraursh, Trarursh, Traruruash, Traruruhsh, Trarurursh, Trarush, Trash, Trauharaush, Trauharsh, Trauhash, Trauhrahsh, Trauhrash, Trauhrurarsh, Trauhrush, Trauhsh, Trauhuharsh, Trauhurahsh, Trauhurash, Trauhurursh, Trauhush, Traurarsh, Traurash, Traursh, Trauruararsh, Trauruash, Trauruhahsh, Trauruharsh, Trauruhuhsh, Trauruhush, Traururahsh, Traururarsh, Traururash, Traururaush, Traururuhsh, Traururursh, Traurush, Traush, Truahahrarsh, Truaharsh, Truahash, Truahauhash, Truahaurahsh, Truahraraush, Truahruharsh, Truahsh, Truahuarahsh, Truahuhahsh, Truahuhrahsh, Truahuhuahsh, Truahurarsh, Truahush, Truarahauhsh, Truarahuhsh, Truararash, Truararauhsh, Truararsh, Truarash, Truarsh, Truaruarash, Truaruash, Truaruhahsh, Truaruhauhsh, Truaruhruhsh, Truaruhrursh, Truaruhursh, Truarurash, Truaruraush, Truarursh, Truash, Truhaharsh, Truhahash, Truhahursh, Truharahsh, Truharauhsh, Truhash, Truhauhsh, Truhauhuhsh, Truhrarahsh, Truhrarsh, Truhrash, Truhruhash, Truhruhsh, Truhrurarsh, Truhruruahsh, Truhruruhsh, Truhrush, Truhsh, Truhuahsh, Truhuaruarsh, Truhuharsh, Truhuhsh, Truhuhursh, Truhurahsh, Truhurarsh, Truhursh, Truhurursh, Truhush, Truraharsh, Trurahash, Trurahrash, Trurahruhsh, Trurahsh, Trurahuash, Trurahuhsh, Trurarahsh, Trurarash, Trurarauhsh, Truraraursh, Truraraush, Trurarsh, Truraruash, Truraruhsh, Trurash, Trurauhush, Truraurarsh, Truraush, Trursh, Truruahursh, Truruaruash, Truruarursh, Truruash, Truruharsh, Truruhash, Truruhauhsh, Truruhaursh, Truruhraursh, Truruhruahsh, Truruhsh, Truruhuash, Truruhursh, Trururahsh, Trururarsh, Trururash, Trururauhsh, Trururaush, Trurursh, Trururuahsh, Trururuhsh, Trururursh, Trurush and Trush (but not Tarsh or Tursh).
"Fuck is a very naughty word, and you shouldn't use it unless you fucking want to," said Mr. Thrip-tip von Bagelshitter, also known as the thruauauauarshmaster supreme, who once wrestled a guy in a bear suit who was swinging around a stuffed alligator doll.
"That may be so, but I don't think that's quite important enough to interrupt the threshing," said the thresher. "I have an important job around here. People need threshers like me. You know, back in '57, I was known as..."
Mr. Thrip-tip von Bagelshitter could tell this was going to go on for quite a while, so he leaped dramatically out the 40th story window and plunged to his not particularly unexpected or memorable demise.
Then, just as everything seemed to be all thrashed out, Vlad I. Vostok sniffed the air and said, "Oh my shining stars and body!"
"I do believe someone farted!"