DQN Short Novel (Part 29)

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Will the GSL ever be free of her Italianitis? Stay tuned to find out! Spoiler: she will.

This chapter contains 74 posts, 944 words and 5446 characters.

Chapter 八百万: The Night of Endless Bifurcations[edit]

Little did the GSL know that her Italianitis was chronic. She became Italian again without warning. "Mama mia!" Furthermore, a cut-off penis suddenly fell on her head. "Pastafazool!" she swore, flinging the severed weenie at JonTron and Egoraptor. She missed.

"You know what, I don't think we're who dodged it and subsequently fell out of the story. The disembodied penis doesn't exactly fit here," muttered the penis collector, who was trying to fit it into his anal passage.

Little did he know that this particular penis was capable of absorbing any ailment and turning it into a powerful elixir which could grant short-novel-ending powers. If the Great Sky twins could just get their hands on this penis, they could cure themselves of their chronic Italianitis! But the penis was dangerous, and if they did not get it before someone else, the short novel might end, and the only other known cure for Italianitis was a 999 GET.

But, oh no, the penis already got used up by the penis collector to cure him of his cystic fibrosis. And double oh no, since it didn't fit into his anus, it didn't even work. He cast the now powerless penis aside and exclaimed, "Hrrgwargwwreaggwrrrbgg" as the mucus filled his lungs. The mucus surged out of his mouth, given life by the residual magic of the backfired spell, and proceeded to continue surging out of his mouth.

Meanwhile, famed scientist Crackers McPyjama was peering into a microscope, under which a tiny bacterium which could hold the secret to recharging any penis instantly was browsing DQN on a microscopic computer.

Crackers, exhausted and finally victorious, had found the answer. And then he died, before he could make a note of it or anything. The bacterium was oblivious to all this and could not even read. He just browsed DQN for the ASCII art and silly faces.

Thrursh, on the other hand, found comfort in being a razorback hog. "I often reflect on my long-lost not-brother Goscone, who I have never met and probably never will. I don't even know who Goscone is, really. In fact, I'm not sure whether or not Goscone even exists and if they do I have no idea what they look like or anything else. Also, I want to make a SUPER-SHORT NOVELSONG.”

And so he posted:

>>878 title

>>923 first line

>>893 second line

>>890,940 third line

>>933 fourth (and final) line

It would be a while before the SUPER-SHORT NOVELSONG was finished, but it may or may not be worth it. In any case, it would sure be a WILD RIDE nida. Please listen to the song at the following address while you continue to read the story:

The song is buffering. Please wait.

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"I always enjoy the food at BERNIE'S FISH GROTTO!" Thrursh shouted, as if compelled by the wonderful folk at #1BLITZ4U MARKETING AGENCY (tm).

Meanwhile, in a small villa in Catalonia, 3.14 volts of electricity were not enough to revive Walbert Smeth. It was clear that something more potent than the hamster-run static electricity generator would be needed. So rodent experts debated about what rodent species would be suitable for the task. In a 27 to 11 vote they voted for capybaras in wool sweaters and mittens. The capybaras were loaded into the generator and quickly became engorged. The mittens started their magic and, eventually, produced more static energy than the largest Tesla generator ever could.

Walbert Smeth suddenly rotted away into a pile of rotten flesh and grew into Smoopy. Smoopy (n) - A smiling gloop that feasts on pastel colored ponies and collects shiny pennies and poops poignant penises and posts prolix purple prose.

A young Malaysian girl wearing a bear costume ran shrieking through the museum museum, a Catalonian museum dedicated to showcasing the great museums of the world. She stumbled into the Smoopy and found herself in very little danger, because she was not a pastel colored pony. However, suddenly finding herself in an exhibit hall dedicated entirely to ponies, she whipped out her GI Joe action figures and prepared them to battle the odious equines.

The claw came and slashed the young Malay girl at such speed and fierce which ruined her bear costume, leaving her injured and completely naked. She then fell down on the floor and as she was left shivering in fear and covering herself with what was left of the said costume, the claw then... moved in for the kill, but the Smoopy, stirred from its torpor, looked at both of them, said in a tired voice "Carry on." and then went back to sleep. However, the claw was allergic to words and died on the spot.

So it goes.

The young girl crawled out of the exhibit hall and found herself in the exhibitionist hall, where she immediately covered up and hid shyly in a corner. Meanwhile, the Smoopy began to dream. He dreamed he was falling and woke up. He went back to sleep. That's the jingle bell you hear, an omen of doom.

"Jesus penis!" said the priest, reverently setting down the reliquary containing the Holy Prepuce. Prepuce totally sounds like a dirty word. Without warning, the last chapter of this novel was incinerated by Viking raiders and irrevocably lost. Luckily, a detailed description of those events has been documented. Here is the director's cut:

So me'n dwayne was walking down the norldlands when dis big vikin went a popin out o da long shit--I mean, long ship, but I suppose that doesn't really matter. What you need to remember is that our Holy Prepuce demands further DQN-ness. And we shall deliver it.