DQN Short Novel (Part 1)

◀ DQN Short Novel (Part 1) DQN Short Novel (Part 2) ▶

The opening section of the DQN short novel, controversially left untitled, introduces many recurring themes, including - but not limited to - the claiming of GETs, the author's direct interference with the novel, the Great Sky Loli's sublunary shenanigans and Beady Eyes being killed.

This section contains 141.5 posts, 1588 words and 8983 characters.

Transcript

In the year 5000, when man is spreading himself across the solar system, A 2 is gotten by a Panda who is promptly derailed by Beady Eyes, who takes a bite out of the toast on which man is spreading himself.

Hate - the bite that sets the universe in motion.

Meanwhile, in the Semi Democratic People's Republic of New Manchuria, Honorable Chairman George Bush CXXVIII. decides to start playing with his willy behind his desk.

At this very moment, the famous assassin George Bush CXXIX is born, immediately slaughtering every single medical professional in a 500-yard radius. Of course, this means that no one is around to cut the umbilical chord, so he tied it around his waist and slumped his dead mother over his shoulders and left the hospital whistling the song "A Nervous Tic Motion of the Head to the Left" by Andrew Bird. This caused a passing Ran-tan-tan to start dancing, thinking that the deaths of everybody around allowed him to finally dance in secret. However, he was mistaken: he planned and plan that was planning to plan a plan but the plan found a plan that was too plannish.

Fortunately, as always, as you might expect, SOMEONE had to come in and take a shit everywhere, because it was National Shit Day, and they had a lot of DQN Bell that morning. There was a group of rebels nearby who were up to no good. And they started making trouble in my neighborhood. I got in one little fight and my Mom got scared, and said "You're moving in with your auntie and your uncle in Bel-Air."

The YOU ARE HERE sign said "You are here" - and all that tried to escape my throat came lodged itself awkwardly within the small threshold behind the tonsils. What was penis so we ran out of it and found ourselves on a secondary earth where there was just children who aged ever 1000 centuries. Upon seeing my ship they began wailing in an unholy baritone, shattering the hypothesis that my ship had came to deliver a millennium of love and peace, which it obviously was not, because it was bristling with weapons and full to the gunwales with heavily armed Marines. Though we suppose that for a certain definition of "peace," "peace" is what will exist behind them after they pass through. But then--

* Good Lord!-
A shot rang out!
My face!

The Ran-tan-tan had stowed away on the ship during the shit fiasco, and was shot!

My... hnng~... my chest... the sexy nurse from pokemon then gave me some stuff which she was L.. S.. D.. woahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Suddenly, Ran-tan-tan stumbled backwards, towards the rail of the ship. Many crew members had a grim look on their face, and suddenly without any warning, catching every midget in the room unawares, he began a horrifying transformation into franz kafka with a DRILL PENIS

And Franz Kafka said, "WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?" To which we replied, "You're a giant cockroach who now has a DRILL PENIS, remember?" And he said "Oh. Right."

And then--... he was struck by a large gust of wind and flew overboard! So long, Ran-tan-tan man!

Meanwhile, George Bush CXXIX was munching cat fanny and slurping on worms, which ... were high in protein, and low on carbs! He learned about this diet from...gnawing on his own productive analysis, chiefly comprised of observations of overweight and obese pedestrians. Thereafter cat fanny, the affectionate nickname of Lord... Catfannerkins, said to the dieting assassin, who helped people lose weight by killing their appetites., "You've killed my appetite. Now it's time for a new target: to infinity; and beyond! Come with me, if you want to live you must perform fellatio on the Golden Phallus, hidden in the depths of Arkanthar's caverns that descend toward its now cool, solid core, composed primarily of butt and latex. Meanwhile, George Bush CXIXX is discovering the first time-machine ever made, that will allow him to avoid the political mistakes of the past, with one flaw... When it sends you back in time, you arrive completely naked.

And so, arriving in the year 2525, he met Robopa. [ ´ɯ`] Beep boop.

"Why would a robot need to drink?" asked George.

"You haven't met Beady Eyes yet, have you?" responded the world-weary robot, who was drinking Robot Gin.

Meanwhile, the aforementioned Beady Eyes died and was swiftly resurrected with magical phoenix semen

　　　　 ,.-.、
　　　 / .／　_,..-、
　　　 i /__／,..--,i　
　　., ' ｀　　´ヽ、
　　i <ノルﾚﾉﾙ'　　　　　
　　i　!i；・-・)!|. 　 Don't threaten ME with a good time.
　　| /,ﾘ_'Y_rつ
　　'i'<,i__i,」ﾘ.　
　　　 .!,ﾝｲﾉ

Meanwhile, George twiddled his thumbs and found himself becoming strangely attracted to Robopa. George, you see, had metamorphosed into an electromagnet while we were all staring horrified at Beady Eyes. Unfortunately, we all know the effects of powerful magnets on computer storage devices.

Suddenly, this entire exchange was overshadowed by the giant loli in the sky looking for her lost cat. However, who should then appear but Beady eyes, in a cat costume who began to maliciously urinate with vinegar The great sky loli was not pleased with this turn of events, and killed him.

However, Beady Eyes is immortal and burps a lot Knight of the Round Table who walks a lot and spams a lot and listens to post-randomcore-folk-gypsy-punk.

Suddenly, a plot device appeared!

Which was quickly stolen by beady eyes! "What are you going to do about it?", he says.

[100 blank pages in the middle of the book]
were expunged at the request of the publisher, no matter how much the author whinged about how they would be utterly essential to his vision as a true artiste, and so on. When his editor tried to calm him down by saying that paper doesn't grow on trees, the author needed to have a long lie-down. Eventually, though, he did get his revenge by breaking the fourth wall and placing a passage of himself talking to his publisher into the middle of his story. Meanwhile, in Cambodia, a 100GET is bundled into an unmarked cloth sack and thrown onto the back of a cargo ship bound for New York. At this time, nobody could have known that Deequn is sitting alone in his room, under the light of his desk lamp. It's a dark, cloudy night. In all this loneliness, Deequn wished for the girl he just drew on paper to be real. Suddenly...! his window shatters and rips through the piece of paper.

"Ha ha," laughed Beady Eyes, who--died when the carrot he had stuffed up his ass exploded.

A Clonepa, witnessing the explosion, said "Wow, that's a lot of PINGAS", shortly before being consumed by the blast. Meanwhile, less than two blocks away, sinister plans approached completion as Grandpa minced among bad vats and jeroboams in the hissing laboratory under his house, preparing a clone of himself... this was the BIRTH of the CLONEPA. His works came to fruition, and before long

( ・ω・) I got to eat ice cream!
But this was no ordinary ice cream, oh no...It was CLONECREAM!

"I AM ICE CREAM CLONEPA!" he shouted with a voice like nerdy thunder, and he started eating himself! Meanwhile, Grandpa was busy complaining about contemporary short novel writing in pan-chromatic resonances and other highly ambient domains. "Arf," he said.

Now you may be thinking that Grandpa had turned into a dog or some sort of sea lion. However, Arf is in fact Grandpa's assistant and old college buddy and he was meerly calling him over. Arf emerged from the shadows and said "Arf."

Arf said to him "Grandpa, we'll never nominate for the Nobel prize with all this shitty writing & clonepa references. What shall we do?". Grandpa was hesitant to let his old buddy know his plans...and therefore didn't. Meanwhile, a mere 200m away, there was a peculiar incident taking place 200m back from where we originally came from.

The great sky loli was displeased about her sudden relative lack of importance to the story, and therefore hijacked a dirigible. "We are going," she began dramatically, "to annex Poland!" And with that, Poland was annexed. Meanwhile, at the Hall of Doom...a single feather hovered, about a foot above a place where mighty hero Tristan was standing captivated by the sight of a chest full of loli's which is what he called lollypops because he was emotionally childlike and misused apostrophe's, enraging the nearby Arf. "Arf," he growled, because he was enraged. Suddenly--a large truck smashed through the wall! In a cloud of smoke and debris a silhouette appeared. It began walking towards them and emerged, revealing himself as none other than a cloud of smoke and debris which had been mistaken for a person. To this, Tristan said "By the power of my local greengrocer's apple's, banana's and cherry's, that is the most cunningly disguised cloud I have ever seen!" He then looked into the truck driver's cabin, but found only the corpse of a man with a peculiarly-shaped hat. Tristan took this as a summon from his mistress, the Great Sky Loli, and he and Arf promptly hijacked a dirigible. As they landed in the newly annexed Poland, they found that Poland was annexed. And so George Bush CXXIX awoke and realized that it was all a dream.

THE END

...NOT!, as some people believe, the beginning.