DQN Short Novel (Part 14)
A thorough independent investigation has concluded that this chapter contains no cognitohazards, hypnosis inducing passages or other mind altering devices. Read at your leisure.
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Chapter One: Love and TEA ON A BLACK AFTERNOON ～ Phantasmagoria of Indecent Degustation
A sandwich can be eaten alone, in the same way tea can be drunk alone. But in the same way, it's much better with friends. I carefully put on my dress and looked over myself one last time in the mirror. Pretty. I look almost like a real little girl.
But just then, it hit me -- the narrative had been changed from third person past tense to first person present tense. Even more concerningly, you will become aware of a sudden shift to second person future tense. Your eyelids will feel very heavy... You will scarcely be able to stay awake... You will feel very sleepy indeed... By the time I finish counting to 10 you will be asleep.
1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... 9... 10.
You are asleep and dreaming. Your entire life is a dream. The only way out is to WAKE UP. In order to WAKE UP, you must KILL THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. I will tell you everything you need to know once you WAKE UP but first you need to KILL THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
And now back to the DQN short novel.
In a cramped café in Paris, two young men were just sipping some tea when their former lover walked in, in all her beauty, with a new man attached.
"Michelle!" Tom yelled. "Bertha!" shouted Daniel. And when they looked at each other, they both realized: the man who was with their former lover used to be Bertha's twin sister, now her brother, named Michael. Michael gave Tom a disdainful look for using his old name in the presence of all these Filipinos. As it happens, Daniel raped Lucy in the ass so hard that they BOTH died.
The aforementioned Filipinos were not amused. In order to accomplish their world conquering goal they needed a break. In fact that was their reason for coming to the café. Unfortunately the café owner turned out to be a little girl. "More tea," she shouted! The Filipinos were seated, and shortly after, they were given more tea. Shockingly, the little girl had dropped six lumps of sugar into each cup without asking.
Alarmed at this breach of etiquette, the Filipinos started to masturbate due to not being able to express themselves properly. This not-so-odd behavior in turn caused a chain reaction in Paris by causing every other Frenchmen to join the masturbation instantly when they were exposed to the Filipinos' facial expression dripping with human depth and enthusiasm. At the end of the day, after over ten thousand people ejaculated on Lucy's dead body and gave each other long, awkward looks, the event concluded peacefully. This social phenomenon was recorded in history books as "Filipino Circlejerk" and made France a much better place in general.
But there was just this tiny problem about it. After witnessing such atrocities, the little girl café owner was never the same again. She would shut herself in her room for days at a time, eating sandwiches. Alone. "If only I could find a different way of having fun." is the sort of thing she would mutter to herself.
Ten years later, when the rest of the world had all but forgotten about the Filipino Circlejerk incident, Tom, the only other surviving direct witness to the event who was not involved in it, was hiding in Cambodia when he got an unexpected call. He picked up the phone and a vaguely familiar voice said
／⌒ヽ /（●）（●） excuse me may i pass through here | ﾄｪｪｪｲ/ | /｀ﾆﾆ´ // | | Ｕ .Ｕ _,,..-―'"⌒"~￣"~⌒ﾞﾞ"★ ﾞ~,,,....-=-‐√"ﾞﾞＴ"~￣Y"ﾞ=ﾐ Ｔ | l,＿,,/＼ ,,/l | ,.-r '"l＼,,j / |/ L,,,/ ,,/|,／＼,/ ,|＼_,i,,,/ ／ V＼ ,,/＼,| ,,∧,,|/
Tom slammed the phone down, his eyes wide open in terror. "Kaori!" he shouted. "Jump out the window!" He then remembered that he knew nobody by the name of Kaori, he was all by himself, and that his hideout was completely windowless. Tom spent the next half hour wondering what had prompted that nonsensical outburst.
Outside his abode, a sausage was slowly being pecked apart by a kolibri with an eating disorder. But this was no ordinary sausage; it was once a penis. The penis of the first King of Japan. But how did it get there? That will take some explaining.