DQN Short Novel (Part 16)
This section features the sentence "He then was promptly raped by a jetpack-equipped bear before being thrown into the middle of the Pacific ocean." It doesn't make much more sense in context.
It contains 80 posts, 1171 words and 6792 characters.
CHAPTER 3: HARRY UP and the Goblet of Beer.
The entire population of Dogfisting, Inc was waking up and performing their daily (」・ω・)」うー！(/・ω・)/にゃー！ ritual. Today was unlike any other, for today would be the day that they all died. Nevertheless, they lived for the moment, which is all that mattered at the moment, for it was the very moment that the rest of this sentence - and perhaps even this paragraph, chapter or book - will spend describing.
Without warning, the tranquil morning air was overwhelmed with a dull rumbling, clicking noise. Filled with trepidation, the Dogfisting populace glanced towards the distant hills, just in time to see an endless wave of zerglings swarming towards their humble encampment, chuckling to themselves "kekekekeke!"
The town's only policeman tried to call the nearest army base for reinforcements, but his radio signal was being jammed. Or maybe his radio was out of batteries. He had never been good at this technical stuff, and from the looks of it there would be no time left for him to improve his skills before his inevitable dismemberment. And then they all died.
"Good lord!" exclaimed God. God then proceeded to visit his good friend Albert the Roboslayer, who was making tea. Outside, a storm of danmaku ravaged Albert the Roboslayer's miniature blender, which contained a magic Rubik's cube. This Rubik's cube had the ability to change its colours to any wavelength in the visible spectrum, which was not particularly useful but very pretty to behold.
A nearby Clonepa chuckled to himself, confident that he was confident. He was wrong; he was in fact very uncertain but he didn't know it.
Alice wanted to tell Bob her secret, but Carol kept butting into their conversations. And with Mallory and Eve interfering, Alice and Bob knew that they had to enlist the help of Trent and Warden before Craig or Dave could learn where Merlin had imprisoned Dark Empress Trudy.
Meanwhile, Peggy and Victor had to enlist the help of Trent and Warden before Craig or Dave could learn where Merlin had imprisoned Dark Empress Trudy. Meanwhile, Peggy and Victor a big huge phallus-shaped Missile aimed at Uranus. Little did they know the Uranians already had a large projectile aimed straight at Earth, and the countdown to launch was already in the single digits. "Oh fuck" said the entire population of Earth, simultaneously.
As it happens, the Uranians' "large projectile" was in fact the exclusive excrement of none other than the infamous Big Fat Butt. Shit was about to go down. And shit did indeed go down. On impact, the monumental stool hardened due to being suddenly compressed by the impact and its momentum and then shattered, leaving a structure shaped like the Eiffel tower but 3 times bigger where it landed.
Little did anyone know that the "projectile" did not shatter into this form by accident. It was actually planned by none other than Cassandra, who had shamelessly startSlideShowWithPresentationId. Her presentation consisted of nothing but a thousand pictures of ぬるぽ, which confused that one guy who didn't bother to study the history of ぬるぽ before the presentation.
This annoyed Michelle Obama's imaginary friend. As a result, Michelle decreed the death sentence was to be replaced with public torture! 3000 people were allowed to vote on the method of torture, and the majority had chosen to refill their ale, which caused a significant reduction in numbers. Because only a hundred or so were present for the vote, the decision was postponed indefinitely.
Meanwhile, in Tajikistan, the pepper mines were filled with trinitrotoluene and all the miners all smoked cigarettes and wore clothing that attracted static electricity. This led to the mine management posting No Smoking signs on every visible vertical surface like the bunch of anally retentive killjoys they are. In order to get what they want, the miners chewed tobacco instead. But that wasn't enough nicotine for them because they were addict, so they started smoking cigarettes and chewing tobacco at the same time.
"I'm late! I'm late for my 100 GET!" panicked the glorious leader of Corea.
［ (★) ］ ／￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣ <丶´Д｀> ＜ "Now I've missed it by two nida!" ／ | ＼＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿ / .| / "⌒ヽ |.ｲ | ＿＿ | .ノ | || |＿＿ . ノく＿＿つ∪∪ ＼ ＿（（＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿_＼ ￣￣ヽつ￣￣￣￣￣￣ | |￣ ＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿__| | ￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣| |
And then the miners got emphysema and decided to switch to nicotine patches. Also, it turns out that the trinitrotoluene was actually dry semen from old vietcong soldiers: a well-known substance used by American GIs to lure nicotine addicts into abandoned mineshafts. Naturally, the first thing Isaac Newton did upon setting foot out of his time machine was to fap, because in 1671 you could be sentenced to death penalty for masturbation. After that he broke out of character to remind kids reading this story not to drink or do drugs.
He then was promptly raped by a jetpack-equipped bear before being thrown into the middle of the Pacific ocean. At that very moment, the jetpack-equipped bear realized that bears wouldn't be able to operate a jetpack. This revelation led to the death of a man who was standing 30 feet below the bear. This happened only moments after the man had realized that he was standing on the water in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and had come to the conclusion that he was Jesus. However, he did not rise 3 days later as he was not Jesus. He actually just had strange, floaty feet.
Thousands of years later, children around the world would eat pudding in memory of the man with strange floaty feet. This man's name was John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, and he was extremely fat and had unkempt body hair. In fact, the body hair was extremely dense, and housed a family of Dokyuns. Nobody knows what happened to them after the incident, but nobody really cared.
Meanwhile, in Oxford, a small group of tourists were constructing a bridge out of cinnamon cookies. This was illegal under the Oxford ordinances of 1664. The arrest and trial of the tourists sparked a lengthly legal debate on prescription rights reform, after the botched 1832 Prescription Act. Statutory prescription stood awkwardly beside common law prescription for 200 years, until a billionaire donated 1 million pounds to the election of someone who repealed the old laws and wrote new laws which include a provision for sentences which go on too long.
Two kittens were kittening around Kittentown. Sadly, they were the last two felines in the world, for seven months earlier, just before they were born, a mysterious and highly contagious disease had sterilized every cat in the world but them. Their curious immunity was due to the fact that they were just too god damn adorable for words. This very adorableness is what led to the beginning of the next chapter.