DQN Short Novel (Part 36)
Wherein many attempts at curing Smoopy-oriented programming are made, amidst a flurry of druids, Smoopies, uncontrollable wailing, the word "the" over and over again, and other such nonsense.
This chapter contains 89 posts, 2569 words (of which 245 are "the") and 14850 characters.
Chapter 222: The Untold Elegance of A Young Girl's Cute Anus
Part 3: The Lion, the Witch, and the Lolicon
...and so launched virtualCORPs latest product, Jr Loli Waffles, redundantly named as Jr Loli would mean young young girl. The sales margin for the new product initially skyrocketed due to the mention of the word Loli but shortly bombed due to >>170 unmarketable ass as well as his penchant for having a cock and balls.
"These sales are unacceptable!" Foggo, the CEO of virtualCORP, was an imposing figure, standing about 8 feet tall and sporting a moustache full of firearms.
"Perhaps we should find a better anus," suggested Flillybobbin, head of the Anus Research Division.
"But where can we find an anus so great that it can make up for all these lost sales and make the public forget about the old ass we've been using?" Frychef, the lead Waffle Ironer at the company, had a good point. No matter how good the ass was, it was unlikely that they could balance their losses with the sales generated by it.
"It's simple," sighed Fuuurararatinu, Head Director of Sighing. "The greatest loli anus in all the universe belongs to the Great Sky Loli. Her divine ass will make us billions. Trillions. Fobgobillions, even."
"But how will we find the GSL? She has been missing since >>>84! And even if we do find her, how will we ever convince her to help us sell waffles with her loli-girl ass?" Figglywiggins was kind of a buzzkill, but he had a point. None of them knew how they would ever find her, or how to get her to work for them.
Just then, a voice spoke up from a conveniently dark corner of the room.
"Scottie Flowerbox's the name, and tumblin's my game."
Foggo tried to match Scotties introduction with a rhyme, but failed due to his inability to be creative.
Scottie Flowerbox knew that any 8 foot tall man would have trouble spittin hot fire, so Scottie blew his own anus up engulfing the entire corporation up. It was spit back out as a box if flowers. These flowers contained the essential vitamins needed to aid in finding the cure Smoopy-oriented programming which had by now infected 6 million cats. the newly formed floralanusCORP proceeded to flourish until the trickledown economixal collapse of August 1994.
Meanwhile, in the present, cats are just dropping like flies man holy SHIT. The remaining cat population took shelter in Floral Shoppe and ブートed up some perishable vaccination programs, they knew they wouldn't last forever. The GSL couldn't bear the sight of all these dying kittens; it brought back painful memories of her beloved Alistair Xavier Chang-Mortensen III, who had been lost in a tragic teleporter accident roughly 219 chapters ago.
With a cute twirl and a spray of rainbow coloured mittens, she banished Smoopy oriented programming from this universe forever. Unfortunately for her, she didn't notice that the druids could keep making more Smoopy-oriented programming in their garage due to their Druidian powers of programming.
OGs Smoopy og couldn't bear to have programming based on him killing his 3rd favorite animal. He took a chunk out of his butt and handed over to Science Chief General Grote Scone. Science Chief General Grote Scone then handed the Buttpieces Smoopy buttpiece to his assistant, Sciences Chiefs Generals Grotes Scones Smoopy Science Chief General Grote Scone, who said, "I hope the naming reforms pass!"
"get smoopy wit it"
Everyone applauded wildly at this inspiring and beautiful speech, so wildly in fact that sparks flew from their palms and transformed into said Smoops McSmoops Smoopy smoop mcsmoop. The kittens several smaller hands so they could clap even more. Of course, the kittens didn't have hands, only paws, which are much less effective for clapping.
Still, Frank's Red Hot Buffalo Dipping Sauce was currently being slathered all over Foggos disgusting body, over at floralanusCORP (formerly known as virtualCORP), yes. Foggo became a snap pea due to natural evolution. Foggo sad...
"Ooooh a snap pea!" said a 7 year old boy with a hat.
The snap pea was actually a bomb though, and exploded his head leaving only his stupid-ass hat in a pile of smouldering ash.
Foggo was dead.
The boy never existed, and neither did his hat.
Suddenly the spare snap pea was overcome with a sense of despair and emptiness, he realized his existed only to be consumed, and lived the rest of his short life as the universes first nihilistic snap pea.
Meanwhile, in the back of a library in Norway, the the the the the the the the the the the the. The the the the the the the the the the the thed so hard that it thed right out the second story window! The library police, library staff, library visitors and the entire library itself were promptly crushed under a giant 200 GET, falling from the sky. The only survivor was the the.
The the the the the th-th-the GIANT APE! The the the the the; the the the the the the the. The the - the the the the - the the, the the (the the the the) the the the. The the the the the/the the the "The the the the the, the the the!" the the the "The the‽ The the the the!"
The had overloaded, and was about to explode. And then the universe exploded, worried that its status as Big Bad Exploder was in danger.
"Fuck, this universe explodes a lot." thought Goscone while munching on leftover pizza. Goscone reflected on his sordid glass skirt.
"Weoweowoewowoeoeoeow" said Hogs Ghosts Smoopy ghost hog when light reflected from the glass skirt into his eyes.
"What was that?" Said Sang the Druid. "That sound didn't come from that man over there!" pointing to Accomplis. Druggdeler was of the opinion that pointing is very rude, so he punched Sang's dumb Celtic face with his invisible, shrieking hand.
"Weoweowoewowoeoeoeow" Shrieked Sang in chorus with Hogs Ghosts Smoopy ghost hog.
Accomplis, distressed by the noise, began picking his nose, and then to shriek.
A few spectating VIPpers angrily got up and left, leaving yellowing dakimakuras behind. Most of the audience had already started yelling by that time, the rest got up on the stage and tried to put their own show on. The abandoned dakimakuras became demonically possessed, levitating and glowing a particularly unpromising shade of red. The audience ran for their lives, but it was too late - the dakimakuras forced them back into their seats for the duration if the thread.
"Weoweowoewowoeoeoeow" continued absolutely everyone except the gagged audience who will not be brought up again.
The shrieking turned to bawling which turned to everyone hugging while bawling in a puddle of tears, snot, and saliva.
"All those poor cats" blustered Accomplis
"I wish there was never any programming based on me" sobbed OGs Smoopy og.
"I don't know what I'm doing with my life!" Screeched Sang.
"Waaahaaahooo bloo bloop woohoo waaah wan wan!" Everyone cried.
A moment later the heavens opened, and out from a gap between the clouds descended Weoweowoewowoeoeoeows Smoopy weoweowoewowoeoeoeows, who promptly got bludgeoned by everyone for going against traditional Smoopy naming conventions (Capital plural "Smoopy" lowercase singular).
"Blame my parents, not m- aurgh!" died whatever Smoopy whatever.
As the sun set on this abysmal scene, a lolicon DQN reflected on how long it would be until the Greats Skies Lolis Smoopy great sky loli turned up, and how moé she would be relative to the original. He concluded that it'd be 1.1x to 1.3x cuter. After hours of intense calculation, the lolicon DQN concluded that it would be precisely 1.2x cuter.
All of a sudden, the Math Men came out of nowhere.
"Congrats man! You quantified cuteness! Here's an award!"
The award was a potato. But not just any potato. It was a russet potato. With GOLD on it.
And the cure to Smoopy-oriented programming in it. Shockingly, it turned out that the cure was, in fact, the microscopic remains of a pair of radioactive nuclear explosive hyper dark anti-fusion bomb sunglasses. These remains had been embedded inside the potato briefly after the GSL had removed the sunglasses (which she had taken from Mr. Gray) and thereby caused the universe to explode.
But nobody really cared about any of that, because the gang who was trying to cure the disease was over in another story arc. Additionally, suggesting that any false loli-god, Smoopylike or otherwise, could be cuter than the one true Great Sky Loli was blasphemy, and the lolicon DQN was promptly smited.
"Ufufufu!" chuckled the GSL. Her plan to become slightly evil when suddenly Mysterious Tragic Sniper X shot GSL with a fusion projectile right into the brain instantly killing her and causing a counter-explosion!
He shed a tear of dung. He didn't enjoy killing gods, but he was bored, after all.
Of course, the GSL was immortal, so she didn't really die, she just faked her death and went into hiding. Again. To be honest, everyone thought the whole thing was getting kind of old and that she was just looking for attention, but everyone played along with it anyway because at least this way she would stop bugging them for praise and worship for a little while. Eventually, she would come back out of hiding again, and everyone would be all like, woah, you're alive? We thought you were dead! All hail the GSL! but in truth, they all knew she was just hiding this entire time.
In the meantime, all of the GSL's regular duties, such as drinking tea, wearing frilly dresses, and being moe, were handed over to the Great Sky Shota, who was in the process of cross dressing. His bum also had a buttplug in it with an artificial kitty-cat tail. Now that she was gone, the cuter, more bearable GLSs Smoopy gsl was raised back on the cuteness pedestal.
Cats were dying by the 6 million and there was still no cure. Also the parasites or whatever were dying too, but no one cares.
"This is a disaster, soon there will be no cool cats left! Or any cats for that matter!" exclaimed Cats druid mcCat, who was a druid that loved cats.
"I know!" said Inventors druid mcInventor. "While you folks look for a cure, I'll make a Cat Generator to make up for the lost population."
And so mcInventor created a Cat Generator which began to generate cats at the same rate they were dying. Unfortunately the Cat Generator required fuel, and the fuel was Christmas tidings.
"Where are we going to get Christmas tidings on the middle of September? September will never end meaning December will never come!" said Smoopys Accomplis druid McSmoopy
"When I was a rapper I had a mountain of skulls. We can use those skulls' spookiness to propel us into the end of October and escape the eternal September!" said Smoopy or Whatevers Smoopy whatever or something. Who knows at this point?
"I'll still kill every last druid after we cure the cats." grunted Druggdeler.
"Sounds like a plan!" said Sang.
However, the ghost of the accidental VIPPER, who died three months before the first volume of the DQN Short Novel, had other plans. He had been watching the story unfold this whole time, and as a result, he had been driven quite insane, and could not stand the same running joke going on for too long. He knew this whole Smoopy thing had to stop. And so, he conferred with his associate, the ghost of Walbert Smeth.
"Mr. Smeth, how have the plans been coming along?"
"Well, Mr. Accidental VIPPER, the late engineers down in the deceased technology lab think they have something to end both the dying cats problem and the whole Smoopy thing. It's a cat generator, and it runs on derivatives of Smoopy."
"Excellent, Mr. Smeth. Get the late patent attorneys on it right away."
And so began the race between the ghosts and the allies of Smoopy, each side working as hard as they could to get their cat makers in working order and fueled before the other.
Meanwhile, the GSL was in a hidden bunker, writing a letter to her brother and lover, the GSS.
Little did accidental VIPPER know, but Smoopy was Walbert Smeth in a past life. When alive, Walbert, born Walbeshmloshe Goldbergenstein, was a conniving nepotistic Jew. He modified the designs of the generator to convert VIPPERs to cats at a 1:18 ratio.
"Silly VIPPERs!" said Walbert, "Smoopy is for kids!"
The VIPPERs begun to catify at a terrifying rate. But then Deadly druid mcDeadly stepped in and mediated everything perfectly. Everyone was getting along with each other with the exception of Druggdeler. He still hated those druids.
"Working together, we'll save the cats even faster!" said Papsi Orlova.
"Smoopy should be back with the skulls soon enough." said Mackie Concepcion Wolfgang. However, all the Smoopies all over the world suddenly died. Walbert Smeth's ghost was transported to the tanasinn chamber, as is the fate of all who oppose the cause of VIP.
Also, the GSL finished her letter. It went a little something like this: nuh uh.
Science Chief General Grote Scone arrived huffing and puffing, "I got new information here! I turned the Smoopy butt piece into a vaccine! It won't cure the disease, but we can vaccinate cat babies to prevent them from getting it."
Cheers came from all around the junkyard or wherever everyone was.
Meanwhile, in the ghost world, the number of ghosts had significantly increased due to the sudden Deaths Smoopy death. Fortunately the ghost of Sciences Chiefs Generals Grotes Scones Smoopy Science Chief General Grote Scone arrived huffing and puffing, "I got new Informations Smoopy information here! I turned the ghost of the Buttpieces Smoopy buttpiece into a vaccine for ghosts! It won't cure the disease, but we can vaccinate ghost babies to prevent them from getting it."
And so the Smoopy problem was solved for everyone except the parasites or whatever.
"Thanks for your help druids," snarled Druggdeler, "but I'm afraid I have to go stick my dick in a piece of cheesecake. Come on, Accomplis, we're leaving."
Accomplis was defiant.
"It's time to stop being an Accomplis and start being a. . .uh. What's the word? Leader? No, that's not it. Something that means independent man. Hmm. I can't think of the right word for it. Help me out here."
"How about druid?" asked Patriarch druid mcPatriarch, stepping dramatically out of the shadows into a ray of sunlight. He beamed with a stern fatherly smile at Accomplis. "It is time, Accomplis. You may join our mystical ranks, if you so desire."
"Hmm," said Accomplis, "I think you're FULL OF SHIT, OLD MAN!"
Long, deep, and hard.
Meanwhile, on the planet of the grapes, an investigation was ongoing to find out who graped the apex. It was the the the th-th-the GIANT APE! The GIANT APE is a convicted groper and rapist! It's no joke, kids! Report the GIANT APE if you see it in the grapes! Furthermore, konbinis should all be destroyed! Make a note of it!
The literal pirate paused to take a swig of rum. Yes, this was going well - his audience was still listening intently, and he had managed to sneak in some propaganda without losing them. He continued the story: