DQN Short Novel (Part 42)
The usual meandering nonsense, interspersed with some extreme canine anger and, towards the end, various things catching fire.
This chapter contains 152 posts, 3395 words and 19708 characters.
CHAPTER MXMIII: The Pure Love of
Of was really angry that he was only capitalized when in the beginning of a sentence. "I want title capital rights! I get no love at all from the Capitalization Council!" Nobody really cared what of had to say, though. Most peole were just worried about the Spider Mix, which, as the reader should know by now, has taranchula legs and little brightly colored marshmallow bits to mask the darkness of its heart. The peole had good reason to fear the Spider Mix; it had already claimed the lives of dozens - if not hundreds - of lives.
Its usual method of killing was to hire some illegal Mexicans to dig a deep trench, then he put a tied up victim there and bury them alive in discarded sepulchers filled with cling wrapped Roy Orbinson clones, not unlike the Boy Rorbison dones. But then the Spider mix grew an appreciation for hipster music and resigned from killing things, choosing instead to spend all its time online trying to convince people and peole that In the Aeroplane Over the Sea is the greatest album ever released.
Of course, this meant that he was constantly noided.
Who could have suspected, at this time, that the hipsterization of the spider mix would later cause the DQN Short Novel to re-form, just so it could look disapprovingly at the spectacle of shit. The DQN Short Novel would then go on to keep on living its life as though nothing had happened, spending the rest of its days living on the US Virgin Islands, making boats for cash whenever it wanted more than its pension checks provided.
Inside the DQN Short Novel, however, things were getting strange. The ghost of Penelope drifted about the Abyss of Canon, a strange place where the events and characters all flowed in and out, never quite staying there for more than a few posts. She drifted for so long she forgot where she even was. And then, she found a door. Floating in the Abyss of Canon, a door. She grabbed the knob, turned it, and opened the door. And inside, she found Smoopy, Goscone, Druid, and Paul Prudhomme playing Mahjong.
Some dark silhouette yelled, "FIRE!" and firing squad promptly started shooting at the players.
Penelope gasped, closed the door and ran. After some time she stopped and looked around. Nobody was following her. Then she realized since she and everyone else there were ghosts there was no danger. She went back in through the door.
Meanwhile, Mr Gray was urgently attempting to escape the shadowy assailant who was intent on raping his Graynus. It was no use, his Graynus was about to lose its "r" and turn into a black hole. Which was attractive to anything with mass that happened to be nearby, which included quite a lot of things. Thankfully, the black hole merely swallowed Mr Gray and his assailant before exploding and ceasing to exist.
The queen of France, Pfarchie Julnemarn, was actually a man. People thought he was a woman because he was wearing an orange t-shirt. He tried telling them he was actually a KING and not a QUEEN, but the people had all went deaf due to eating too many Casserole of No Returns. The infamous casseroles, of course, cause deafness when eaten by any organisms other than cats.
Thus it was that Queen Julnemarn decreed that "You fucking idiots I'm a man! Look I've got a beard! You're deaf not blind, you fucking idiots! I hate you all so much! Aaarrerggghhh!"
pen0r did not hear this decree. He, like everyone else, was deaf. And so, Julnemarn made another decree, and made sure to put this one out in the form of informational flyers. This decree was that a new form of medicine was to be developed by the doctors and scientists of France, a sort of cure-all to remove the deafness as well as the inability to correctly identify the gender of their monarch.
BUT THEN A DOG CAME AND HE'S SO ANGRY
HE'S THE ANGRY NINTENDO DOG, HE'S THE ANGRY ATARI SEGA DOG, HE'S THE ANGRY VIDEOGAME DOG
OH SHIT I FORGOT THERE WERE NO VIDEO GAMES BACK THEN IN FRANCE. SORRY. THE DOG GOT EVEN ANGRIER BECAUSE OF MY MISTAKE!
THE DOG IS THE DOGGIEST DOG DOGGERSON IN THE DOGGEDLY DODGED DOGGER DOGS. DOGGING THE DOG DOG DOG DOUGAN DAGGER DIGGED DOG DOGS. THEN THE DOGDAG DUG DRUG DREGS DOGGITY DOGGEDY DOGGEDLY DODGETY DOGDODOGDOGGOD GOD GODDERDOG DOGGG DOGS SMOOPY DOG DOGGER WAITING FOR GODOT'S DODGY DOGGY DOG.
Indeed, the Universe itself became afraid of holding such a dangerous creature in its midst, and decided that the responsible thing to do would be to explode, thus ending its existence once and for all.
Before it could do so, however, our good old Mysterious Tragic Sniper X appeared out of nowhere to save the world once again.
"Probably for the last time... Hopefully for the last time," he was getting tired of having to do this time after time. A single tear of blood ran down his cheek, dripped off his chin and created an unsightly stain on his freshly dry-cleaned white shirt.
Upon noticing this, he became so upset that he released another tear of blood. This Second Tear ascended to the heavens, the hurtled off towards the center of the universe, where it had sex with movie stars! Suddenly, Prosnorkulus ceased to exist. Nobody noticed any difference.
"I'm so sick of vingt-temps assassinating Nigerian princes!" snapped Goscone, who was about to bet 70 DQNcoins in his game of poker with Druid, Smoopy, and Paul Prudhomme but they were all killed by a massive diarrhoea dump from above. Oh wait they're ghosts that makes no sense. Jesus farted.
Jesus, sense no makes that ghosts they are. Wait, oh, above? From dump, diarrhoea! Massive! A by killed all. Were they? But Prudhomme Paul and Smoopy Druid, with poker of game, his in DQNcoins. 70 bet, to.
About: was who Goscone snapped? Princes! Nigerian assassinating vingt-temps of sick!
So, I'm difference. Any noticed. Nobody exist to ceased. Prosnorkulus suddenly stars, movie with sex.
Had the author not been struggling with crippling depression while writing this, the whole novel would have made a lot more sense. But, it doesn't really matter, does it? The fandom would have made him hate writing anyway. But he's under contract. He can't stop now. Even if they slash the budget, gotta keep writing. Come up with some more crazy plot twists. Write write write. Work work work. Maybe sometime later he'll make another thing, another novel to explain what was actually going on during >>483 out there in reality. Maybe he'll remake the whole thing. Maybe he'll get shot in the back of the head, dragged out to the dump, and left for dead. Maybe he'll live through it, run away, and live the rest of his life in ZOUNDS!
And then the author exploded.
The GSL was thinking about going into retirement. She hadn't really been working much lately anyway, and the GSS could probably handle taking over for her. Just then, she heard a knock at her door.
"Who's there?" you wondered, gripping the pages tightly.
It was just the sitcom on television.
AND IT WAS OUT FOR BLOOD
AND THEN ITS DOG CAME AND HE WAS SO ANGRY! THE DOGGED DOG, AGAIN WITH THE ANGER, WAS ANGRY AT THE ANGULAR ANGLERS! THE ANGULAR ANGLERS HAD ANGERED THE DOGGITY DOG BY GANGRAPING GRAINS GARNISHED WITH GANGRENE!
OH GOD! WHY IS THIS DOG SO ANGRY?
MALATHION AND ITS OXYGEN ANALOG MALOXON ARE CARCINOGENIC IN OSBORNE-MENDEL AND FISCHER-344 RATS.
JESUS CHRIST! IT'S ALL OVER!
But it wasn't over. It was just beginning.
THE DOG GOT EVEN MORE ANGRY THAN HE WAS BEFORE! HE WAS SO ANGRY! SO SO SO SO ANGRY! HE WAS SO ANGRY AND HE WAS ALL rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr AND grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr AND rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
He was so angry, in fact, that he didn't notice the 500 GET sneaking up on him from behind. The 500 GET swallowed him whole before quietly slinking off to the next thread.
The GSL, having witnessed the whole thing, felt kind of bored. She had seen a lot of 500GETs in her days, and this was not the first time she had seen one eat a dog. The only thing she had never seen a GET of some sort do was spill crime.
THE DOG'S ANGER LIVED ON INSIDE OFTHE HEARTS OF ALL THOSE WHO DARED EXIST! As for those who didn't dare to exist, THE ANGER COULDN'T GET TO THEM WHICH MADE IT EVEN MORE ANGRY!
I know, I'll use the new EME standards to blacklist anyone not running Inferno OS and then implement that code into comprehensive web plugins forcing everyone to switch.
AND THEN THE DOG'S ANGER SAW SHIMAMURA-KUN HUGGING SMOKED SALMON which promptly calmed it down. It was no longer anger, but a state of "Mmmmmmm" and then the mmmmmmmmmm turned into mmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM! AND IT WAS MUFFLED ANGER! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
THE ANGRY DOG reëmbarked at once for the Norwegian capital, which had recently been renamed Kittentown, after its recent invasion by the Feline's Republic of Catland. It was a desolate wasteland. All the invading forces had died from the cold after killing most of the natives. ANGRY DOG soon became sad dog after seeing the death and destruction.
Meanwhile, in the stratosphere several kilometers above Kittentown, a single budgie wondered just how it had managed to gain so much altitude with such tiny wings. Of course, the foolish budgie had forgotten that children have ankles, and attached to these ankles are feet, and feet can be used to kick, and kicking can be used to launch a budgie into the stratosphere (assuming, as in this case, that the universe was on the cusp of exploding, as it was wont to do) and so it was quite a normal experience for the smallest force of childhood whimsy to launch the craziest matter into space, where they were soon evaporated in any case by the violent conflagration of the humdrum universal cataclysm.
"Stop!" exclaimed an oddly familiar voice, "This Heat is my favorite band!"
The voice belonged to none other than Benix McBenisson, half-brother of Alebart O'Bartley, illegitimate father of Corpulous Corpissussion, who once met a guy who called himself Charles the Nerdslayer, though he really didn't get to know the guy very well.
Benix McBenisson was a brilliant investor and had made a small fortune in the cock market, which he was always willing to share. His half-brother, on the other hand, was nothing but a slob who went around having children out of wedlock. Which was really quite a shame when you consider the O'Bartley family's legacy.
The earliest known members of the O'Bartley clan were hunter-gatherer-marketers, who invented the art of convincing people to buy things they couldn't afford before money was even a concept. From there on, the O'Bartleys appear several times in ancient legends as brave warriors and kings. It is said that every part of the world has, at some point, belonged to an O'Bartley. In fact, recent discoveries have revealed that there may have been a Chinese O'Bartley dynasty, and that it was simply poorly translated or whichever branch of the O'Bartley family tree that went there changed their name to something that would blend in better.
In somewhat more recent history, O'Bartleys served as highly decorated soldiers in several wars, including, but not limited to, the American Independence war and both World Wars. In fact, some historians claim that Adolf Hitler did not, in fact, commit suicide, but instead was killed by Clarence O'Bartley, who later became known for performing in various circuses around the United States and a few in Canada.
Most recently, Thomas G. O'Bartley climbed the summit of Mount Everest 2, a previously-invisible mountain near Mount Everest which Thomas discovered on his own and made visible by defeating an evil wizard with the power of science. His sister, Bertha N. O'Bartley, discovered a cure for every disease known to man, as well as a way to manufacture it for so cheap that it can be distributed to every person on earth every day for less than the cost of a single loaf of bread. In another O'Bartley family branch, Nichigawara O'Bartley, a lawyer, recently convicted a large group of corrupt politicians who were selling their votes to banks and energy companies and launched an investigation into several large corporations accused of various questionably-legal activities which ruined the lives of millions of citizens.
As amazing as this lineage is, Alebart seems to be content to simply be a hoodlum. Or rather, he was, until one day
The next day, he exploded. In another universe with completely different values for its fundamental constants, the uranium-based lifeforms orbiting a galaxy-sized black hole decided to get fucked uuuuuup! First, they had to enrich themselves, so they built a library to share the knowledge.
To maximize the knowledge they could gain from the library, they constructed it in a pocket universe and made it out of infinite, identical, hexagonal cells, each containing four walls of bookshelves and two with only doorways. On these bookshelves were every possible book. Of course, since the library contained every possible book, not just every possible coherent book, it contained every volume of the DQN Short Novel trilogy, which can hardly be considered "coherent".
One of the uranium-based lifeforms, by the name of Xyblgrj, happened to be wandering through the library when he noticed a book entitled "DQN Short Novel Volume IV". Curiosity piqued, Xyblgrj opened it at a random page and began reading.
...man eating tiger was about to pounce, when, who should show up, but Xyblgrj, who had been wandering through the library when he noticed a book entitled "DQN Short Novel Volume IV". Curiosity piqued, Xyblgrj and the tiger opened it at a random page and began reading.
...man eating shark was about to pounce, when, who should show up, but Xyblgrj (pursued by a man eating tiger), who had been wandering through the library when he noticed a book entitled "DQN Short Novel Volume IV". Curiosity piqued, Xyblgrj, the tiger and the shark opened it at a random page and began reading.
...man eating courgette was about to pounce, when, who should show up, but the main character from the previous book in the series, DQN Short Novel Volume III. DQN Short Novel Volume III tore through the linen cloths of spacetime and decided to have a picnic in the library.
DQN Short Novel Volume III, Xyblgrj, the tiger, the shark, the courgette, Xyblgrj and Xyblgrj were just about to start eating when suddenly they decided to get fuck uuuuuup instead. But they had to move those microwave ovens.
The original Xyblgrj thought, "Who could come up with such a twisted crap?" and put the book back, and wandered away.
At the same time author of this story wiped the sweat off his forehead and began arguing with himself, "Who is going to incorporate these events in the next books? What if I forget? What if my series get cancelled?.." In a feat of panic attack, he broke his pencil in half and whispered, "Crap..."
"...no wait, if I sharpen this half of the pencil, now I have two little pencils!"
DQN Short Novel Volume III again did his party trick of tearing through spacetime, and stepped out of the novel into the author's room.
"Hey, that's a great pair of tiny pencils you've got!" he said, "You should try sticking them in your mouth and doing walrus impressions! Anyway, would you like to get fucked uuuuup?"
Nobody answered, as the author was unavailable by a few microseconds, writing down the very events that were unfolding and thinking about DQN Short Novel Volume III's inevitable demise - the 1000GET that will end his life. Unflustered, DQN Short Novel Volume III got on with the THREAD. “What are you doing here, Nobody?” he asked.
Elsewhere, the big fat butt was bouncing along and farting Nobody noticed. a song Splat! the debut single from Butt and the Big Fats. In the top ten for all of two minutes, it slid down to eleventh place where it lingered for a few weeks, like a fart whose odour still haunts a location long after its creator has absconded.
Meanwhile, in Lesotho, small angry men with hairy faces and burning feet were attending a concert. Beady Eyes and the Derail Band was to perform there, playing their new hit song, "Ha Ha Butt and the Big Fats are Losers Everyone Quick Point At Them and Laugh", which had just hit #3 on the charts, just under "Goobaaaa" and "Spoade".
The small angry men of Lesotho were not impressed with this irritating small eyed rabbit or his posse. They cared little for the nuances of anus related musical politics, and simply wanted to get fucked uuuuup.
Unfortunately white oak trees all hate pop music, and some grew, some withered. Few turned an eye to them, but those that did were disappointed and bored.
When the small angry men were distracted, the oak trees convened and plotted to remove the pop musicians from Lesotho once and for all. The first stage of their plan was to gather bearded geeks and geeky beards. They would then incite rebellion in said beards, causing them to rebel against their tyrannical geeky overlords. The geeks, strangled to death by their own beards, would then serve as rafts for floating passengers and cargo across the rivers of blood and back.
Little did the oak trees know, they were about to experience a MUSCLE DANCE FEVER‼. Although, as oak trees possess neither muscles nor the appropriate biological adaptations to undergo a fever response, let alone the ability to dance, all this really meant was that they were about to be set on fire by some dancing bodybuilders. That however backfired (heh heh) as the fire jumped onto the bodies (heh heh) of the bodybuilders due to the unnatural amounts of oil slathered on their bodies.
"You'll never stop our fiery burning hearts!" they cried. Then they burned to death. And up from the ashes arose Steve Albini a sloth of immense proportions! The sloth set on fire.
That is, he set the record "On Fire: A Scientific, Historical, and Philosophic Study, Presented in Audio Format" on a nearby turntable, put the needle on the record, and let it play.
The record began: "Ladies and Gentlemen! I stand This is an audio recording of "On Fire: A Scientific, Historical, and Philosophic Study, Presented in in Audio Format" based on the original hardcover edition "On Fire: A Scientific, Historical, and Philosophic Study, the original textbook for Universities and Elementary Schools".
And then the record player caught fire. The sloth made an exasperated sighing noise and whined, "I remember this book by heart. Let me continue."
But then Jaspy whined harder causing the sloth to commit suicide out of envy. Jipzo started whining again. He was whining hardcore.
The sloth's ghost was just hanging around. Suddenly, it became aware of the inner workings of the universe and decided to pass its knowledge to a spiny lumpsucker named Norman. Norman was on fire. An unusual condition for a fish, but then Norman was a notorious pyromaniac. In fact, it was probably him who had been setting everything/one else on fire.
Norman hopped and flapped his way back into the nearby river of blood to put himself out, but was hit by a passing bearded geek corpse raft and killed instantly. Thus, the giant sloth's ghost's profound knowledge leaked out of Norman and fused with the blood in the blood river. It flowed for hundreds of miles until it gathered in a crater left by a demonic titanite meteorite ten thousand years ago. All the blood formed a blood lake, infused with the knowledge of the sloth's ghost, as it was when it was passed to Norman. It is said that, by drinking this blood, one can gain near-omniscience as well as a mastery of mystic fire powers, but the exact location of the blood lake is unknown. It is rumored to be somewhere in Bolivia, but nobody goes near the area where some say it is, on account of the shrodgeish living nearby.
TL note: shrodgeish means bison.