DQN Short Novel (Part 41)
Ever wondered what noise the Universe makes when it's upset? Now's your chance to find out!
This chapter contains 131 posts, 2789 words and 16185 characters.
Chapter Ｂｕｔｔｓ: A Vacation Interrupted
Three months after the incident with the Druids and the Smoopies, Goscone and Penelope and all their closest friends were on vacation in the quaint little town of Detroit. Penelope had recently received
All of a sudden, shots fly overhead!!!!--Light! Then... sound! Halko-chan whips into a string of back handsprings, dodging the bullets. Flying splinters of stage wood dance in front of her, she pulls her mecha cannon out (from behind her back?), chargers and...!!!!
"Well that was a rude interruption," sad Penelope. Now I guess we'll NEVER fnd out what I have received.
she ran out of power. A gang of melanin enriched gentlemen tore her apart for parts to sell on the melanin enriched market.
"Holy shit!" said Spoomy.
These last few posts were, needless to say, occurring in a parallel dimension, which we needn't pay any heed to. Back in the original timeline, the Druids and the Smoopies, Goscone and Penelope and all their closest friends were on vacation in Bessarabia.
"I am loving this Eastern European air!" said Golgo 13 druid McGolgo 13 while sipping a Rusty Nail and listening to every lolicore song ever made played simultaneously.
"The Mongol Horde is on the horizon! They're coming as conquerors!" said the herald.
"I'll defeat them with my nasty PINGAS!" said Dr. Robotnik. But the PINGAS was clean. He was shot down by the Grand Khan's horse archers. The vacationing friends watched the battle from afar, glad they were no longer involved.
The ghost of Dr. Robotnik's iguana wept silently.
Behind the fallen Dr. Robotnik, an army of Hungarian heavy cavalry was charging in to oppose the Mongol Horde. Then, at the last moment, all the soldiers on both sides of the battle put down their weapons and had a big communal tea party. Much fun was had by all involved, and nobody died apart from one guy who raped and ape. The ape was had undergone therapy and was no longer giant.
The uninformed Serbian cavalry rushed in attacking the Mongols unaware for the tea party. The Grand Khan was angered and swore death upon all of Eastern and Central Europe. The Mongols began slaughtering Hungarians and Serbians. However, this only lead to the Serbians turning into Albanians. But then the Lunarians showed up and drove the Albanians into the Baltics.
Then the entirety of Eastern Europe caught fire from thinking too hard.
Penelope, the Mongols, and the druids were immolated almost instantly. Smoopy was liquified and Goscone roasted. The lunarians turned into Solarians.
But suddenly hundreds of explosions rocked the place! And out of them appeared Mysterious Tragic Sniper X, a single tear of blood rolling down his cheek. Fueled by angst and vengeance he farted the most violent fart fartable by a koala. Longshoreman X shit his Kentucky Longshore Rifle at Tragic Sniper X. Thankfully, Longshoreman X had taken a ludicrous amount of laxatives, and was able to successfully shit the rifle with only minor injury. Tragic Sniper x, however avoided getting hit by the gun, but only because he assassinated by the famous assassin George Bush CXXIX before the gun could reach him.
Meanwhile, in loli heaven, Penelope had just taken a few tabs of LSD.
"Ehehehe!" she giggled, "Time to tut a tout and tout the tut!" She giggle-snorted and readied her golden Desert Eagles for her God-given mission: to kill Druggdeler's ghost, and free the world from evil spirits that create shitty video games like Poop Simulator 3000, now with extra smells.
Cancer overtook Penelope. Hell cancer. She was cast into the fiery pits of hell and suffered for all eternity.
George Bush CXXIX did not like seeing his homeland, Eastern Europe, on fire. He knew he had to make things right.
Meanwhile Mysterious Tragic Sniper X marveled in his demise. As he raised his rifle for the last time it turned into a bouquet of roses.
"Hahahaheohaha!" laughed the Majishen as he turned into a duck. Laughter turned into tears. Ice turned into fire. Water to lava. Air to dust. Soil to soap. Junji Ito began to write comedy. Cavemen stood up straight and became master scientists as Nobel prizewinners lay down and wallowed in mud. Everything became a lie. Nothing was true.
And then the universe exploded.
The GSL was upset. Just as she was finally getting the hang of living in hiding, this shit happened again. She's have to load the universe from several backups ago, too, just to make sure this sorry turn of events didn't repeat itself.
She had an even better idea. Instead, she decided to leave the DQN short novel thread and go to the SAoVQ VIPTRONIC thread forever so she'd never have to worry about the constant destruction of the DQN short novel universe. Unfortunately, the SAoVQ VIPTRONIC thread, being outside the DQN Short Novel metauniverse, was inaccessible to her except as a DQNized read-only copy which bore little resemblance to the original. It seems even omnipotence has its limits.
So, in typical GSL fashion, she handed the duty of reconstructing the universe over to her brother, who was still trying to handle all the frilly-dress-wearing and tea-party-having duties she had already given to him. In order to pass the time waiting for the GSS to get the universe rebooted, the GSL took a stroll over to
ttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YpOwyvD2ecg
when suddenly Mysterious Tragic Sniper X threw a bouquet of fusion roses right at GSL instantly enamouring her and causing the universal counter-explosion!
As the explosion and the counter-explosion annihilated each other the universe itself was restoring to its former glory.
Mysterious Tragic Sniper X smiled and turned the bouquet on himself. As it happens, the counter-exploded universe was not, in fact, exactly as it was; poofed out of existence. He had saved us all from an existential interlude, but destroyed himself in the process. Unfortunately, his sacrifice would be forgotten, as he did alk his heroism outssid eof the universe.
Threedays later, a DQN and former sociopath DQN invite a VIPPER for a lunch&murder and a superstar for a construction of a new universe, which they decided to base on a popular franchise.
"Let's use D&D for that!" Said the DQN. But the superstar objected, "No, it's a terrible idea! Everyone is going to be covered in the nerd acne!"
Unbeknownst to the party of four, the waiter had been listening closely. "I have an idea!" He exclaimed. "Base it off-"
DISTANT THUNDER RUMBLE! DISTANT THUNDER RUMBLE! RUMBLE HUNGRY LIKE THE BEAST! THE BEAST IT COMETH COMETH DOWN! THE BEAST IT COMETH COMETH DOWN! WO WO WO-O!
After the thunder had settled down, the waiter cleared his throat and said, "Now, as I was saying-"
WHY THE HEN WON'T LAY NO EGG! CAN'T GET THAT COCK TO CROW! THE NAG IS SPOOKED AND CRAZY! O GOD HELP TUPELO! O GOD HELP TUPELO! O GOD HELP TUPELO! O GOD HELP TUPELO!
After the shouting quieted down the waiter looked very annoyed. He looked at his watch and tapped his foot impatiently. He looked around, and after a few moments to make sure he wasn't going to be interrupted again, he finally said, "...so, if you're quite finished now, what I was going to say was-"
YOU CAN SAY THESE STREETS ARE RIVERS! YOU CAN CALL THESE RIVERS STREETS! YOU CAN TELL YOURSELF YOU'RE DREAMING BUDDY, BUT NO SLEEP RUNS THIS DEEP! NO! NO SLEEP RUNS THIS DEEP! NO SLEEP RUNS THIS DEEP!
"...but-"
WOMEN AT THEIR WINDOWS! RAIN CRASHING ON THE PANE! WRITING IN THE FROST TUPELO'S SHAME. TUPELO'S SHAME! O GOD HELP TUPELO! O GOD HELP TUPELO!
Meanwhile VIPPER - certain of being butchered and served as a main course - was trying to sneak away. He was successful.
Meanwhile, somewhere off in the far reaches of space, a planet full of monster girls were having a monster orgy when they were interrupted by A YOUNG MOTHER FROZEN ON A CONCRETE FLOOR. The mother's nipples were frozen. A particularly sapphic fire elemental girl prepared to give the young mother the deepest molestation of her life. BUT THE FROZEN MOTHER WAS A FROST ZOMBIE AND ATE THE GIRL! AAAAHHHH! AND IT WAS HER DAUGHTER! WAAAAAAAHHH OH NOOOOOOO!
This cause the two to merge into a rather watery goo girl with a narcissism complex. The monster girl orgy continued while she sat in a corner and masturbated to the image of herself reflected off her own liquid thigh.
And now, back to space we go, off to the planet of whatever those DQNs were. One of them suddenly noticed the disappearance of their dinner, and the three of them decided to give it a chase on horseback. No horses were to be found, so they donned horse masks and whinnied off into the distance.
Meanwhile, the GSL was in her private changing room. She slid her panties down around her silky tempting ankles when a bawdy cheerleader grabbed her from behind and thrust her horny tongue into the GSL's unsuspecting salmon slit. The GSL moaned in surprise and fell forward onto her hands and knees. She tried to move her legs but they were trapped together by her pink aromatic panties.
The dark and compelling college cheerleader masturbated with one hand and tweaked the young girl's flat nipples with the ferocity of a back alley virgin invading a seedy youth hostel orgy. The attractive school-girl cheerleader fucked the loli's meat purse with her fleshy taste stick and gobble her submissive flange custard as it flowed like cock snot down her hot pulsating throat.
The cheerleader strapped on a cobra spiked with butt nuggets and thrust it into the GSL's petite, fair and delicate anal cavity while tickling her dainty heels. The GSL screamed and flapped but could not move out of the mindmelting bliss shooting through her mud flap. The vibrating slut slaying dildo alternatively stabbed her oyster ditch and shit tunnel, causing the GSL's fairy liquid and sphincter sauce to flood the floor.
A pregnant male nun entered the room and force his cervix cigar into the loli's mouth hole and quickly squirted his shrimp sap down her throat. As soon as he pulled out, a fourth masked man inserted his own giggle stick into her cake hole and haemorrhaged stinking love piss into her lungs. Baby juice and tears trickled down her chin.
Meanwhile, the nun had begun penetrating the GSL's muffbuster from below as the cheerleader continued to fuck the weasel shit out of her turd-herder. Together they pickled her hairless goblets with their trouser bowsers as the masked man sprayed more steaming sewer mayonnaise into her pupils and tweaked her burning chesticles. The GSL found the steaming throat grease both disgusting and incredibly arousing and greedily lapped up every last drop. She orgasmed from every orifice and her sugared almond chocolate starfish and as her attackers pulled out finally fell to the ground with a shudder.
This event made a woman out of her. She was now the Great Sky Woman. Another result of this event was the GSW's dabbling in radical feminism.
The neurotic shutin came violently as he read the conclusion of the deviant doujin he'd found online. He got up and wandered off to the bathroom. "Maybe my sexual habits are unhealthy," he thought as he peed in the bathtub because the toilet was broken.
A cone has been released and has been dropped on the head of the author of the doujin excerpted in >>373,374, killing him instantly. The GSL regarded this turn of events fondly, as she was not a fan of writers who excessively use slang terms.
The neurotic shutin regarded this turn of events as Habsburg disrobed under the moon loli to issho. But which moon, you might ask? And which loli? The answer is
3 thousand years had passed without anyone creating the desired device to determine which loli and or moon was in question when finally the GSS said "This is stupid!"
Then he got in his Chrysler which seats about 20, and suddenly realized he had no jukebox money. He asked everyone in his (full) car if they had any change, and each of them had a different response: All if them were "Kaki" with various stresses and intonation.
1. <丶｀∀´> No change here nida! 2. (・∀・) What was it like back when we had change? 3.
And then they were interrupted by the Big Fat Butt. Phhhhlblblblblblblbt said Beavis and Butt-head.
The Big Fat Butt was not fond of their mockery, so it sat on them.
Then the Big Fat Butt's arch-nemesis, the Big Fishy-smelling Vagina, turned into another butt. The Big Fat Buttette.
The Big Fat Buttette then declared that tin roof was indeed rusted, and that the DQN Short Novel needed a Grand New Direction to spur the author into writing more. All of the characters began to put forth their best ideas:
"Scuba adventure!"
"Crimes of sedition!"
well gosh darn it wasn't that a hoot. Then she queefed.
Ugh ugh ugh ugh.
Meanwhile in a park somewhere in New York City, a chess game that would decide the fate of the universe was taking place.
"I cast Dark Ritual" said Clonepa, as he cast dark ritual. And then the Universe exploded. Which was actually getting pretty old at this point. Seriously, everyone could tell it's just a cry for attention. Everyone just rolled their eyes and moved on. The chess game continued, ignoring the Universe and instead determining the fate of those sentenced to imprisonment in the tanasinn chamber.
"Black rook to white rook 7!" Yelled Yelleneh Dupo Command Merlon. The Universe, meanwhile, became upset that no one was watching it explode, so it started making a high pitched whining sound.
"eeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEeeeee!"
"eeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEeeeeee!"
"eeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
A cute little girl was deployed to appease the Universe by rubbing it behind the ears and giving it sweet things to eat. The universe was not pleased and deployed a black hole to gobble up the girl. The girl was stretched like spinach until she was completely gone.
"Hiss hiss hiss" said the universe
"Hiss hiss hiss" said the universe
"Hiss hiss hiss" said the universe
"Hiss hiss hiss" said the universe
"Hiss hiss hiss" said the universe
"Hiss hiss hiss" said the universe
"penis," said the universe.
But the evil penis was gone. And the universe was Espeon. It craved for some soup after throwingliterally a (literally) hissy fit. Lil B came and shared his wonton soup because he loves meeting new people and making new friends.
Meanwhile, the little girl who got sucked into the black hole was transposted to all points in space and time, becoming one with the universe while being separate from it, existing outside and inside of it at the same time.
Then she materialized in a new form in a different universe entirely. She became a god of this universe, and was known as the Great Gaia Loli. She had many great, well-written adventures, none of which, unfortunately, will appear in this book.
What will appear in this book, however, is a highly detailed account of the history of Lil B's wonton soup, beginning with a bag of stale Cheetos. The bag served as inspiration for Lil B's masterful soup.
It was actually more of a quiche. In fact, if we're being totally honest, the soup might be better described as a sort of cake; that is to say, it was soft, and moist, and in actuality, it wasn't really a cake at all, was it? Hell, we're not even sure it was food. But, we do know it was soft and moist, so we think it was a a Victoria sponge cake, which is more of a sandwich than a soup. Except in Finland, where it is considered a kind of licorice-flavoured piece of meat ghost.
Possession of licorice-flavoured meat ghosts is, however, illegal in Finland. Which is irrelevant since Lil B was somewhere in the Bay Area of Osaka at the time.
What was most unique about Lil B's masterful soup, however, was the fact that it contained more than 20,000 different herbs and spices. Heheh. Herbs if you know what we sayin' and spices if you know what we playin'. Meanwhile, in a bar in San Francisco, two men were a gayin'.
And then DQN Short Novel exploded.
"Damn," said the entire cast of every chapter of every iteration of the novel, simultaneously - even including the mute girl from Part 2: Vultures on the boundary of the river wheel Battle Tendency Electric Boogaloo Stardust Crusaders: EXTREME EDITION:ちんこ+ who, miraculously, had just learned how to speak - before being consumed by the unforgiving fiery explosion of death. There were no survivors.
