DQN Short Novel (Part 31)

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Don't ask what happened to Chapter Dick Episode 2. We... we don't talk about Episode 2 any more.

This chapter contains 11 posts, 660 words and 3658 characters.

Chapter dick, episode 3: The Great Sky Shota's Quest[edit]

Dogs Smoopy dog was rappin' out some phat beats. He was rapping about how he had no AA representation and that the yellow man was keeping him down.

And while he stood there, gently rapping,

A kitten laid at his feet, quietly napping.

But the Dogs Smoopy dog didn't notice his friend,

And kept on freestylin' without beginning nor end.

And that's when the Great Rap Battle of '93 started. And everybody around the world gathered in the streets to engage in the worldwide rap battle, but little did they know the horrors that they would soon unleash upon the world.

WINTER 1973 PRAGUE

Crowded into a small secret bunker, huddling over a rusty tin, the survivors passed the time quietly, holding up their mittened hands to the tin's warm lip.

"Fire's goin' out soon orange," said Jan.

"Got some timber from chopping up the church pews orange. God forgive us orange," Jakub replied.

They didn't wish to risk even the slightest rhyme. Not when they saw what it had done to their city. Jakub pulled out his foraged wood and tossed it into the smoky tin. Jan fanned the fire with an old newspaper to give it oxygen.

Rapping screams and gunshots rang out from the distance.

"Oh Jan orange," Vanesa lamented, "Will this horror ever end orange?"

"I don't know orange," Jan said, shaking his head. "But if we survive, we must tell the world orange. We must warn them so that such a tragedy never strikes again orange. We must prevent the horrors of a World Rap Battle from ever taking place!"

Jan's face turned white as he realized he had forgotten to say orange, but it was too late.

"We gotta tell the world, save the human race!" Jakub in reply helplessly. Tears streamed down his face, there was no helping it anymore.

"Gotta tell our children! Gotta tell our kids! If we don't tell them, they'll rap until they flip their lids!"

They were doomed. And the world may never know their plight...

20 YEARS LATER...

"My flow be stylin', I be ridin'..."

"Your flow be whack, now get the fuck back, you're fuckin' grime, that shit don't rhyme."

Indeed, the first rapper had a whack flow, and he could not rhyme worth shit. The second summoned his bombest flow, and the first was torn asunder by the righteous waves of swag. Across the battlefield, other rappers similarly slaughtered each other, gaining more power with every victory. But atop a hill surrounded by bodies, Dogs Smoopy dog still stood, undefeated, seeming not to even notice the raging battle around him. His kitten friend had feasted on the bodies and the swagger of the fallen challengers and was tranformed into a monstrous being which prowled hill on which Dogs Smoopy dog stood. The other rappers had long since given up trying to challenge him, aside from the odd young, naive soul every once in a while who became emboldened by a few victories and overestimated his own power. They all fell, and the beast that once was the kitten consumed them.

But on this battlefield, there was one who came not to battle-rap. He came seeking Dogs Smoopy dog, following a rumor he had heard, that a sample of the legendary rapper's essence could be refined into a potion of immense power--perhaps even the power to cure the kind of disease which could afflict an immortal. Riding on the back of a razorback hog, a young boy wandered about, looking for the hill surrounded by bodies, on which the beast prowled and the rapper rapped. Looking to the east, he saw the sun because that's where the sun rises. But just to the left of the Sun was the 999 GET, taking the form of a huge mushroom cloud exploding in slow motion.

There was no time. The GSS had to cure his beloved sister before the 999 GET caused the universe to explode. Again.