DQN Short Novel (Part 32)
As the second novel rushes towards its cataclysmically anticlimactic finale, various characters from long ago make brief appearances and very little of consequence happens.
This chapter contains 36 posts, 1042 words and 5863 characters.
CHAPTER FINAL: A Wedding, a 999 GET and the Untimely Revival of Ugly Baby the Almighty Overlord of an Unfortunately Placed Thermometer Which Caused the World Much Trouble For Years to Come who was capable of miscellaneous evil deeds including extortion, human trafficking, money laundry, sweatshop dirty diaper production and black market croquet festivals.
in which the GSS and Goscone may or may not save the world, nanobots return for a friendly reunion, and a certain Big Fat Butt rears his ugly rear.
Ugly Baby's money laundry was long abandoned. Piles of half-decomposed dirty diapers almost completely filled it leaving only a small empty space between a boarded up door and a dusty counter. Locals couldn't remember the last time when this establishment was open partially due to availability of cheap washing machines which made people lose interest in laundries.
It was a dark silent night when suddenly a cat hissed at beady eyes and his retarded baby brother Boardy Ears, who was, technically, a potato. The cat took umbrage, and continued hissing for a good thirty or forty minutes. During this time, Beady Eyes was slowly hauling a bag of dirty socks and blood-stained pants towards his next target for derailment: the Unofficially Official Best Thread Ever. Before he could get there, however, the GSS and his trusty steed burst in, shouting "Knock knock!"
Now, the two hadn't actually knocked, which was quite rude, but the baby and his henchmen never passed up a good knock-knock joke.
"Who's there?" they chorused.
"Interruption hog," said the GSS.
"Interruption hog wh-"
"What about me and my rap battler pile?" interrupted Smoopy. Smoopy was then hauled off to Dogs Smoopy dog's hill as a sacrifice to the flow gods, for claiming to own the hill when it in fact belonged to Dogs Smoopy dog. It was torn asunder by the force of Dogs Smoopy dog's rhymes, and the gods were pleased.
Freed from this momentary distraction, the GSS, Goscone, the baby, and the henchmen all began to ponder a sudden appearance of a strange person wearing a top hat. That was Honorable Chairman George Bush CXXVIII.
"I have returned to tell you how the story ends," he chuckled, "And answer all of your questions."
"The answers are: No, probably, 7379 days, only if you love her, yes, because it's winter, probably, no, no, no, 18 tears, it wouldn't be wise, they died a long time ago, yes, 76, nobody will ever know, Tuesday, candy canes, 9pm EST, yes you should, no he doesn't, next year, 1110101101101, and the password is 'leathershoe. I hope that helped, goodbye."
"What if Ron Paul went around and said 'muh dick' to people on the streets all day? What would happen?" Asked Beady Eyes. But Honorable Chairman George Bush CXXVIII was already gone. In his frustration, Beady Eyes derailed the floor, causing everyone on it to fall over. As they lay there, the 999 GET loomed ever closer.
The GSSiblings dashed towards it. It was only fifteen posts until the 999 GET. Would they make it? and once they were there, would they be stuck on the back cover? Would they be able to apply the curing powers of the 999 GET when they got there, or would they have to pack it up and perform the ritual in the sequel, the DQN SHORT NOVEL PART 3?
In the meantime Espeon sneaked into a vidcon station.
"Everything that this story needs to end should be stored on one of the memodrives," he thought, "Hmm, I thought I disappeared without a trace in NCorea, how did I-- urk!" Without warning, Espeon died and simultaneously vanished from the novel forever.
Speaking of dying, Goscone accidentally twisted his ankle and asked the GSS to give him a lethal sausage. By the time Goscone dieded, DQN was laughing at him and at his sausage (no pun intended) and decided to walk away, while furiously masturbating to furry porn, as usual.
Later that day, the coach's uncle found the sausage and started a sausage company with it. It was very successful. After his death he left the sausage with the coach. The GSSiblings noticed they were still nine posts from the precious cure, and were now down one razorback hog. It was time to call in some old friends.
"Hello?" the GSL said into her loliphone. "This is the GSL. We need your help."
"We'll be right there," replied the nanobots, followed by a click. The nanobots created a stepladder below the 999 GET. The GSSiblings pushed down with a bit if force to see if it was stable. Everything checked out.
"Stop right there," sneered a sinister, familiar voice. "That's my 999 get."
A fleshy horror stood in the GSsibling's path. It was big. It was fat. It was a big fat butt.
"You!" exclaimed Mr. Gray (who had quietly been standing by this whole time) in surprise. "I never thought I'd see your ugly ass-face again!"
The BFB farted in response. Fortunately, the young Dildo was there to do stuff the BFB's hole, immobilixing him temporarily.
"Make a break for it! You only have 4 posts left!" Yelled the young Dildo to the GSSiblings. The siblings looked into eachother's eyes with a mixture or fear and excitement.
"There's only one way we can make it in time, and that's the power of love," the GSS said to his sister confidently. "W-will you marry me?"
"I do!" the Great Sky Loli shouted triumphantly. Mr. Gray, who happened to be a licensed minister, said, "You may kiss the bride."
The Great Sky Shota pulled the GSL to his body and they pressed their lips together. As the two kissed, a beautiful tower of light rose up around them. Gravity had no more hold on the two young lovers and their clothes and hair began to levitate. Their incestuous embrace was so powerful that it now held it's own gravitational field, and instead of needing to run toward the 999get, the 999get was now being drawn towards the two kids, finally joined in holy matrimony.
Then the author wandered in from offscreen and suggested that now would be an excellent time for a tea party, especially considering the universe may or may not explode at >>999.
"No time for parties! I 2 posts till the 999 GET!"
The GSSiblings finally reached the 999 GET. They held onto it for several moments but nothing. They were still inflicted with the Italian disease. A dark shadow came over the GSSiblings' faces. This was no 999 GET. This was the 666 GET.