DQN Short Novel (Part 5)
Despite the fact it is labelled "Part 3, chapter 3", part 5 is in fact the second of four third chapters. It is the final chapter written by the second author before he tragically took his own life.
It contains 132 posts, 2390 words and 13371 characters.
Part 3, chapter 3 The Legend of Zelda: Phantasy Star Online Chrono Trigger Monster Hunter Blazblue Project Diva: under the moon loli to issho Ｓｕｂｔｅｒｒａｎｅａｎ Ａｎｉｍｉｓｍ
Um, there was an unknown island in the the middle of the Laser kingdom. Penis was considered a delicacy among the native Faget tribe. One member of the tribe, known as PenPen, whose sis was IsIs, the wretched penis harlot. Mexican PenPen screamed. There was a flash of lightning and a roar of thunder!
PenPen was a gundam.
Well, maybe more of a Gundam fan. As much as a penguin could be, anyway. "Wark wark," he quacked excitedly. Those Gundam Wing doujin he'd ordered had finally arrived in the mail.
Suddenly, an enraged 50 metre tall radioactive cat who referred to itself as "Espeon" sang the song of sorrow, because its real name was Beady Eyes. "Wark," warked PenPen sadly, meaning (in Penguinese) "Almost five hundred posts and we're still talking about Beady Eyes and dick jokes? Jesus wept."
Then, Espeon took PenPen's Gundam doujin and his Ika Musume fig because Espeon is a hairy butt. Densha Otoko was the only fig Espeon refused to take, for reasons unknown. Some say it's because he ran out of hands, but we all know the true reason is that he wasn't able to come up with a "fig leaf" to cover up such a request. While he was lost in thought, PenPen stole back the doujin and gave it to his male housemate, whom he felt needed to "man up" (the idiom in Penguinese is, oddly, identical) and surely nothing's more masculine than Heero Yuy's speeches before battle.
Meanwhile, many miles beneath the surface of the planet Mars ...lived a merry little mole named Mike. He was his time browsing DQN. Then he noticed the thread that would forever change his life. That thread's name was ... ( ﾟ -ﾟ) Post unhappy things...
The thread that became less and less lighthearted and more and more depressive. Without Post Happy Things thread to balance it out that thread started to spread its disease all other the board, slowly turning its inhabitants into misanthropes and sociopaths.
Mike himself became a troubled person which forced him to strengthen his resolve and delve deeper into the painful thing called depression. After experiencing his own little life disappointment, he was ready to step through it's doors and drive himself insane with facing all of his painful memories and regrets to strengthen himself, but only found himself getting weaker and weaker. He tried with all his might to find some sort of strength that depression held, but kept getting weaker and kept destroying his own mentality.
Mike became a pathological liar and lied to everybody to keep this a secret to himself and only to himself because that's the only one who he truly trusted. The whole "merry" thing is nothing more than a charade, but he didn't mind since it only affected him.
One day, when Mike was busy playing a game on his PC he heard a tiny voice calling out to him somewhere in his subterranean tunnel system. It sounded far, and he couldn't really be bothered to go and investigate. It turns out the voice was actually a product of his schizophrenic mind. He had been in the tunnels so long that his mind was starting to become unstable. As we know, this could only mean one of a few things!
But we'll come back to that later. Anyway, the point of this whole story about Mike the depressed Martian mole was to illustrate the widespread alienation that exists, in the year 5000, when man is spreading himself across the solar system, and eating pizza. But that's not the point. The real point to all of this was to fill in time before the upcoming 500 GET. And, if you'll cast your gaze back to the previous GETs, you'll probably start complaining that GETs aren't what they used to be in your day, until you get distracted by some young whippersnapper kicking your cane away. Anyway, why wouldn't some asshole make a couple of consequent posts to steal the GET and waste it on some personal fetish? Well, the answer is simply penis.
Violent anal sex
Suddenly, the terminator appeared out of nowhere.
Spouting the line "Oh yes!" every 3 seconds. His search for Sarah Connor had begun!
Before we get into the Terminator and why he was seeking out Sarah Connor, we must go back to when he was just a wee robot. You see... ( ・-・) Butts. Butts butts butts butts butts butts.
[ ´ɯ`] And indeed, when you're just a wee li'l robot, you don't see much more than butts. Beep boop." said Robopa, shortly before being reprogrammed to enjoy looking at butts more than anything. The perpetrator of this nefarious act could be none other than ( ´ω`) Hello kids!
That's right! The pedophile overlord Baron von Kidyydiddler was at it again! His latest scheme to rape supple kid butts could only be stopped by Dr. Robotnik's robot-clone of Sonic! Who would stop at anything to keep little children from being raped. When he faced Baron von Kidyydiddler he said nothing at all. That was just how he rolled. The baron lost his taste for fine cheeses and his huge, grotesque but gained a long lost power which gave him the ability to hover on a noisy column of methane and poo fragments which smells pretty nasty really.
I rode my motorbike out of there like a bat out of hell. I rode for hours, not looking back once. I'd not make a good pillar of salt. The sun rose and set several times, but drowsiness did not deter me. After my stomach could hold out no more, I pulled over at a small family diner.
I decided to seat myself across from a girl. A waitress came with a cup of coffee and offered me a menu, which I refused. "I'd just like a side of eggs and some toast, please." The waitress nodded and headed into the back room.
The girl across from me, stunningly handsome, flashed me a quick, nervous grin before she lost herself in a book. And having no book of my own, I found myself reading her. An honest face with baby blue eyes and convincing bangs of blonde. She couldn't have been more than 19 years old. Her pale skin, almost unhealthily so, was beautiful. It could have been my sleep deprivation talking, but she was the most stunning girl I'd ever laid eyes on.
My food came and I ate it. The girl continued to read, finishing her coffee as I lost myself in my daydreams. "Hey, what's your name?" She looked up. "Espeon," she said, with a thick accent. "Is Russian." I smiled. "Well, my name's Chuck, and it's nice to meet you." I offered her my hand, and she shook weakly. But her hand, while weak, was alive. Espeon. It had a nice ring to it.
"I'm so fresh, you can suck my nuts." said ( ˃ ヮ˂), shortly before being shred into pieces by an awesome explosion. "SHIT FUCKING TIT-BITCHES! NOT THAT FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT PRESSURE COOKER AGAIN!" Rei was visibly upset.
Suddenly, the entire continent of Freedonia, whose Eternal President is Richard M. Stallman, was enslaved by an army of children raised in schools which run proprietary software on all machines, who never said "please" or "thank you" after merciful spanking in the name of justice and all that is pure in a free and open-source society.
"Because," Stallman said, pausing to clear his throat: "Although you may pay taxes, that's really not the kind of free state we meant at all. You're guaranteed freedom, but freedom isn't free. My grandfather, Richard M. Stallman the First lost his life and paid for his freedom in blood, in the first Windows war. And with him bled the entire country. Think about that the next time someone tells you to install Gentoo - and consider accepting. Thank you for your time."
Meanwhile, the Mighty Dongoloid (Stallman's long-lost brother, for those just joining us) was planning a fanfare of patent trolling for the sole purpose of infuriating his admittedly pathetic, idealist sibling.
"Do you think that's realistic?" He asked the livestream on CNN.com as it buffered occasionally. Richard answered with a gentle nod, unaware that his own putrid flesh and black blood was among his audience. "Where is the incentive? How do you satisfy man's desire to conquer if his primary option is to create? The world is not free, my naive little brother. Man, as an evolutionary imperative, must suffer even as he usurps. A society's force, the sheer temperature of its burning core, exists not by pressure nor volume alone, but a proportionate multiplication thereof. Its value, you see - its... ah, worth, one might say - decreases with volume, unless pressure compensates, and visa versa."
He then proceeded to submit patents for the first and last fifty lines of every C header within the Linux kernel.
Meanwhile, in Edinburgh, the Cult of Undead Moé had begun a sacred ritual to revive the Great Sky Loli (who died back at >>217,218). Their leader, St. Shii DCLXVI, of Church WWW, wad blessed with a humongous, throbbing ego, because it's a prerequisite of being a cult leader.
There was a sudden flash of light and a loud moaning noise - the ritual had been a success! The cult members slowly began to take off their clothes and prepared the body of Dr. Robotnik. If all of them successfully came inside of his ass then their diabolical plan would come to fruition. Each of the cult members had their way with Robotnik's nether regions save one, but before the final cultist could call forth the warping, chaotic powers by violently raping Robotnik's ass the narrator ran out of breath. Perhaps next time they should try omitting the endless run-on sentences from the ritual. Meanwhile, other sinister plans were afoot at the First Militant Church of Zardoz, but these plans were entirely irrelevant because they were dying out due to that "penis is evil" bit of their doctrine.
Back in Edinburgh, the Undead Great Sky Loli was about to commence her reign of terror, starting with a tea party involving Marie Antoinette and her sister Ms. Cho (an illegitimate child, daughter of a ninja).
Many important topics were discussed, such as the appropriate number of frills and ribbons one's dress should have, and a conclusion was reached: everyone had to wear special hats to be part of their secret club.
"Psst, would you like to join a secret club?" said a masculine man in a dark cape before being mercilessly crushed to death by the UGSL. Nobody gets into her tea parties uninvited, not even your esteemed narrator. You might not have thought about who was narrating this, did you? No one ever thinks about the narrator. I've lived a hard life. It's not as easy as a life you kids today have. You just lock yourselves in your room and jerk off to anime porn. But me? Starting at the age of 12 I've been starving and going into bouts of really unsubtle Touhou references, because I'm a NEET. You may know me as Morgan Freeman. And this is my story...
The Spiral Temple began to gain enormous amounts of political power in the 20s due to the influence of Spiral Power on prominent Politicians as well as the New Spirals introducing themselves to the System. Invisible to the average Citizen their violent right angles called and Screamed out to my electric Soul . They were reaching out, calling to me, screaming. People were losing their minds in the twisted World of Spirals. My eyes cried red blood, my body smiled blue Tears for the work was hard and.
But then, ( ﾟ ヮﾟ) Suddenly, mittens! Thousands of them! and On each Mitt was a nother and aother Spiral indiciating that the Power had Spiraled out of control They fell from sky like a Cat or Dog. Truly, the mittenpocalypse possessed a terrible beauty. A young man of Nordic descent was making his way through puberty knew that he was developing strong feelings for a cardboard cut-out of Keanu Reeves (´ε｀ )♡ "Oh, Kjeanu Rjeeves," he thought.
Just one glance into the spiralling mittenstorm was all it took to ( ・-・) derail this thread. Up against the wall, motherfuckers!" is what Beady Eyes would have said, were it not for the fact that he has already been killed off several times. Instead, he kept his mouth shut and went to his local store to derail a serious discussion regarding the second coming of jesus christ as defined by the holy bible penis 2: the resurrection. The two gentlemen engaging in this discussion really wished they were little girls, that still had penises so that they could urinate in more easily. The Greek goddess Aphrodite wondered passingly what the word "in" was doing there in the previous sentence as she polished up the apple so carefully - the very same apple which she had recently stuffed up her vagina and kept in for hours as preparation for a sacred ritual to summon Eris and bring chaos to the world. Meanwhile, Dr. Robotnik began to wake up on the cultists' ritual table.
The cultists promptly set fire to a passing Espeon, who ran off screaming and was never seen again.
Seeing this, Dr Robotnik decided not to shout “PINGAS”, as he LOVES each and every Espeon quite dearly. Who couldn't?
Seeing what he had just written, the author gathered up his last shreds of dignity and designated himself unfit to continue living. He then killed himself. Again.
The next author promptly took over and swore upon his mother's grave that he would salvage this horrible mess of a short novel and turn it into a true masterpiece. Of course, we all can see where that is going.
The new author sighed. He cradled his weary forehead in his hands and poured himself another shot of cheap vodka. He let his stubby, worn fingers fall to the keys of the typewriter and began to write, not even daring to look back at what his poor alcohol addled mind was spewing. Anything to keep his thoughts away from... never mind that.