Kopipe:Religion

From Tanasinn.info

Jesus

I am a very religious person. Well, not religious, but I’d definitely consider my personal faith a vital aspect of my life. I believe without the shadow of a doubt that Jesus Christ has saved me and made me righteous. I have a deep, personal relationship with Jesus Christ, the Son of God. He and I talk frequently. I’ve been trying to get him to stop smoking, so far to no avail. Well, a little. I’ve gotten him to stop smoking except after we make love, which unfortunately for his lungs and fortunately for my blue balls, takes place approximately four times daily. I’ll tell you, Jesus Christ sure packs one hell of a load. I mean, there’s really nothing I love more than feeling his huge dick on my face, flicking his balls a little with my tongue, feeling his sweet, shapely buttocks spread onto my nose and mouth, feeling the warmth of his cum all over my face. Honestly, when Jesus Christ’s big, round, beautiful cock is just on the tip of my lips, I truly feel his salvation. I truly feel at home when he enters into me. That big, veiny monster in my mouth is all that I love in the world. When he enters into me with his thick cock, when he thrusts soft at first and then progressively harder until finally his warm, divine man-god-juice fills my hole… feeling Jesus Christ fuck my tight little asshole… oh my God. I just realized how hard I am right now. Jesus Christ’s hard, tight little body with those fucking abs of hard rock… they make me as hard as a rock. There’s nothing better than his round, shapely ass. Christ has the best ass of any man alive. It feels so perfect when you hold it in your hand.

Jesus married to Mary Magdalene

Jesus married to Mary Magdalene? No fucking way. I've read the Bible, folks, and I know there's no way Jesus was ever married. The guy never had a wife. Because no wife would buy The Resurrection story in a hundred fucking years. The disciples will, the believers will:but no wife would buy this fucking story. Good luck! Good luck with this story.

First of all, Jesus leaves on Friday afternoon with 12 other guys. He's gone for three days. No message. No way to get in touch with his wife. Then he comes home Monday afternoon looking like shit, like he hasn't slept. Looks like he's all partied out, man.

And Mrs. Jesus is just waiting, pacing around the home, going, "Okay, this is Day 3 of this shit:Well, look who's back! I'm glad you could find your way home, 'Mr. Savior'! Where's your 12 friends who won't get a job, huh?! Where're they at?! Yeah, 'disciples' my ass. They're LOSERS! Do you hear me? Every one of them are using you, Jesus, and you're not even smart enough to know it! Anyone who says to you 'I believe' we put them up and feed them! I'm sick of it! Where've you been?! Huh?"

And Jesus is rubbing his face, shaking his head, going, "I don't need this shit:not after what I went through this weekend:"

Then he goes, "No honey, I'll tell you where I've been. Come here. Come he-e-ere, honey. I'll tell you where I've been. First of all, not that it ruined your weekend any but I was DEAD!!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOU FUCKING BITCH?! I WAS DEEEAAADDD!!! WHILE YOU WERE SITTING AT HOME ON YOUR ASS, I'M IN A GRAVE OUTSIDE OF TOWN! I'M FIGHTING DEATH, HELL, DECOMPOSURE:I'M ABOUT TO TURN INTO A SPIRITUAL FORM AND GO INTO THE KINGDOM OF GOD, AND I GO, 'OH SHIT, WAIT A SECOND! I BETTER GO BACK HOME BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHERE I'VE BEEN!' SO NOW I'VE GOT TO FIGHT THE ANGEL OF DEATH, GET MY FUCKING SOUL BACK, CRAWL OUT OF THE GRAVE, AND COME HOME TO THIS SHIT: BECAUSE I MISSED YOU HONEY!!!"

No fucking way, man.

Religion

So, /b/. Here's the situation...

As you probably know, millions of Christian Fundies/Evangelicals in the US today are preaching that the biblical prophecies of Revelation are being fulfilled every day (Israel, nukes, Iraq war, etc.), and that it's only a matter of time before Christians are raptured into Heaven and God pwns the world in preparation for Jesus' final face-off with the Antichrist.

According to these same people we have no clear idea when the Rapture and Armageddon/The Milennium will occur- we only know that they are coming soon. In the eyes of these people there is no need to care for the environment, enact long-standing economic reform or commit resources to peacekeeping efforts around the world, since such efforts will be ultimately useless when Jesus comes back and the end of the world starts.

And perhaps most strikingly, Anonymous, these same people preach that we, the "wayward liberal youth" of the technological age, will be subject to God's wrath for our lack of Christian conduct and faith (especially you Eurofags. Enjoy your Antichrist politicians).

...I guess what I'm trying to ask, Anonymous, is this: Am I the only one who is amused, horrified, and pissed off all at the same time by these Christians' rampant douchebaggery?