File:George Zimmer.jpg

The Original?

HI... I'M GEORGE ZIMMER - FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ASHLEE, I'D LIKE TO BEAT YOUR CHEST WITH MY ENORMOUSLY HEAVY, THROBBING PELVIC CROCODILE UNTIL I GEYSER A HUGE WATERFALL OF STICKY BABY DRESSING ON YOUR FACE. I'LL MOP IT UP WITH MY THICK HEAD AND SLAP IT ON YOUR LIPS SO THEY DON'T CHAP. YOU'LL CUM SO HARD YOUR DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBORS WILL NEED TO CHANGE THEIR SHEETS. I GUARANTEE IT.

311

I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. MY SECRETARY, FOLLOWING A BARBARIC BEAVER BEATING THAT SLOUGHED OFF HER UTERINE LINING MORE EFFECTIVELY THAN HER OWN MENSTRUAL CYCLE, INFORMED ME THAT MY TWO LEAST FAVORITE ARTISTS, 311 AND SCOTT STAPP, WERE RECENTLY INVOLVED IN A SCUFFLE. HISTORICALLY A MEDIATOR, I FLEW IN MY LEARJET TO MEET THE TWO BANDS. THE TWO GROUPS WERE WHINING LIKE ANNA NICOLE SMITH AFTER INHERITANCE MONEY UNTIL I PREPPED THE MEMBERS OF 311 FOR THE IMPENDING IMPALEMENT WITH A COMPREHENSIVE COATING OF NUT NECTAR, GLUING THEM TO THE GROUND. AFTER SUSTAINING A BLUNT FORCE TRAUMA TO THE HEAD FROM MY CROTCH CRUSHING CONCUSSION CANE, STAPP WAS TAKEN 'HIGHER' THAN EVER BEFORE AS HE WAS BOUNCED LIKE A BABY UPON THE Z-MAN'S TWO-TON TROUSER-SCHNAUZER, WHILE THE 311 MEMBERS WERE HELD CAPTIVE BY THEIR OWN ASSHOLES LIKE BOWLING BALLS. THE FORCE FROM MY CULVERT-SIZED COCK SPLITTING STAPP APART WAS ENOUGH TO CAUSE HIM TO DEVELOP DUAL PERSONALITY DISORDER. AS STAPP PROCEEDED TO BLEED TO DEATH, MY STEADFAST SLUT-SPEARING SON-SIRING SKINFLUTE BURST THROUGH THE LEAD SINGER'S BVD'S, CAUSING HIM TO BREAK OUT INTO A RAPE-INSPIRED RENDITION OF 'COME ORIGINAL'. I COULD ONLY INTERPRET HIS SINGING TO INDICATE IT WAS TIME TO FINISH UP, SO I BURIED THE ALT-ROCK GREAT IN A GOOEY GRAVE OF GONAD GOULASH. MY GROIN YETI IS NOW THE SIXTH MEMBER OF 311, I GUARANTEE IT.

9/11

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. 9/11 WAS A LIE. THERE WERE NO TOWEL HEADS. THERE WAS NO AIRPLANE. IN TRUTH I WAS VISITING THE BIG APPLE, SO AS TO COMPARE MY GARGANTUAN MEAT TRAIN TO IT AND LAUGH AT THE GASPING NEW YORKERS AS I POUNDED THEIR BELOVED NAMESAKE INTO BIG APPLE SAUCE. HAVING NOT GOTTEN RELEASE FROM MY CULINARY EXERCISE, I MEANDERED DOWN THE STREET WITH MY VITAL BLOOD ENGORGED SEWER PIPE OUT IN FRONT OF ME LIKE A BLIND MAN'S CANE, LOOKING FOR A HOLE IN THE BACKSIDE OF A WOMAN WHICH I WOULD STRETCH BEYOND HUMAN LIMITS. I SPOTTED AT THAT VERY MOMENT AN ATTRACTIVE FEMALE IN A MINISKIRT WAVING AT ME. I SLAPPED HER TO THE GROUND WITH MY ENORMOUS PHALLUS AND QUICKLY RAVISHED HER SKIRT LIKE A STARVED DOG ON A BABY MADE OF STEAK. THE SIGHT THAT AWAITED BOTH SHOCKED AND ENRAGED ME. AFTER SEEING THIS "WOMAN'S" RAISIN-SIZED WINKY WINKLER, I VOMITED DOWN HIS THROAT AND PENETRATED HIS ESOPHAGUS, RIPPED OUT HIS SPINE AND PEELED HIS CORPSE FROM MY MONEYMAKER. TO TEACH ALL OF NEW YORK A LESSON FOR LETTING THIS FLAMING FAG BAG LIVE, I LET LOOSE A SEMENAL FLOOD OF BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS UPON THE TOWERS OF TWO (AT WHOM'S SMALL SIZE I LAUGHED LIKE A CLOWN RAPING AN 8 YEAR OLD), WHICH CAUSED THEM TO COME CRASHING DOWN LIKE ME AFTER A WEEKEND METH BINGE. I MOCKED THE NEW YORKERS AND MADE NIGGER JOKES AS THEY RAN FROM MY EVER EXPANDING CLOUD OF SPERMAZOA, MASTURBATING TO THE LOOKS OF HORROR ON THEIR FACES. THE GOVERNMENT, IN AN ATTEMPT TO SAVE FACE AND BECAUSE THEY HATE ARABS MORE THAN JEWS, PAINTED A BOEING 767 ON MY GIGANTIC COCK AND CALLED IT A TERRORIST ATTACK. THE FEELING OF PAINTBRUSHES ON MY DICK MADE ME COME AGAIN, AND PRESIDENT BUSH SNORTED UP EVERY LAST DROP BECAUSE HE THOUGHT IT WAS COKE. SUDDENLY, HE CRIED OUT, "WHAT'S THAT AMAZING SMELL?" THEN A GROSSLY OBESE NEGRO POPPED OUT FROM BEHIND THE BURNING, TWISTED WRECKAGE OF THE WORLD TRADE CENTERS AND QUIPPED, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINE-SOL!" DISPLEASED AT HER INTERRUPTION OF MY DEVASTATING SODOMY CONQUEST, YET SIMULTANEOUSLY ODDLY AROUSED BY A SUB-HUMANS DEFIANCE IN THE FACE OF MY TITANIC MEAT MONOLITH, I GRABBED THE NEGRESS BY HER ARMS AND INSERTED MY BATTLE CRUISER OF PASSION INTO THE ROILING WAVES OF FAT WHICH OBSCURED HER VAGINAL CLEFT. SHE SCREAMED INDECHIPHERABLY IN EBONICS, SO TO SHUT HER UP I POURED ALL THE CONTENTS OF THE PINE-SOL BOTTLE DOWN HER THROAT. UNFORTUNATELY, THE CHEMICALS IN THE LIQUID COMBINED WITH MY UNEARTHLY SUPER-SEMEN TO FORM A HIGHLY UNSTABLE AND EXPLOSIVE MIXTURE OF PURE POWER. JUST BEFORE THE FAT NEGRESS BLEW APART AS A RESULT OF THE INCREDIBLE CHEMICAL REACTION, MY MOTHER GOT SCARED AND SAID, "YOU'RE MOVING WITH YOUR AUNTIE AND UNCLE IN BEL-AIR." I WHISTLED FOR A CAB AND WHEN IT CAME NEAR, THE LICENSE PLATE SAID 'FRESH' AND IT HAD DICE IN THE MIRROR. IF ANYTHING I COULD SAY THAT THIS CAB WAS RARE, BUT I THOUGHT, 'NAH, FORGET IT, YOU HOLMES, TO BEL-AIR!" I PULLED UP TO THE HOUSE ABOUT SEVEN OR EIGHT AND I YELLED TO THE CABBY, YO HOLMES, SMELL YA LATER!" I LOOKED AT MY KINGDOM, I WAS FINALLY THERE, TO SIT ON MY THRONE AS THE PRINCE OF BEL-AIR. ONCE I ENTERED MY NEW, PALATIAL ABODE (ALMOST, BUT NOT QUITE, WORTHY OF MY INCALCULABLY HUGE MEAT MISSILE) I IMMEDIATELY SWEPT MY NEW FOSTER PARENTS ASIDE AND HEADED FOR THE ROOM OF THEIR YOUNG NIECE. YOU SEE, I JUST SPENT THE LAST TWENTY MINUTES RUBBING A TWELVE YEAR OLD GIRL'S BARE CHEST. "HOW?" YOU ASK. WELL APPARENTLY THERE ARE A SELECT FEW CONTEXTS WITHIN WHICH SUCH AN ACTION IS ACCEPTABLE. FOR INSTANCE, IF YOUR NIECE HAS A HACKING COUGH AND YOUR SISTER ASKS YOU TO "PUT SOME OF THIS ON HER" WHILE SHE CALLS THE DOCTOR.

"PUTTING SOME OF THIS ON HEAR" MEANT USING MY BARE HANDS TO RUB THIS VAPOR OINTMENT SHIT ALL OVER HER BARE NAKED CHEST. MY HEARTBEAT IS STILL ALL ERRATIC FROM IT. I HAD A BONER THE SIZE OF MANHATTAN THE ENTIRE TIME. SHE'S SLEEPING NOW AND I GUESS SHE FEELS BETTER BECAUSE SHE STOPPED COUGHING.

DETAILS: SHE'S ABOUT 5 FEET TALL, HAS LONG BROWN HAIR, A CUTE FACE, A THIN WAIST AND LONG SKINNY LEGS. SHE'S IN JAMMIES I THINK BECAUSE ALTHOUGH I'M PRETTY SHAKEN UP RIGHT NOW I KNOW I UNBUTTONED SOMETHING BEFORE I WENT AT IT.

GOD I FEEL SO GREAT. I JUST RUBBED MY HANDS LAL OVER HER FUCKING TITS, YOU GUYS. WELL THE PUFFY PARTS OF HER CHEST ANYWAY. HER NIPPLES GOT HARD. I JUST ABOUT WEPT TEARS OF JOY. OBVIOUSLY, THERE ARE VERY FEW THINGS IN THIS UNIVERSE WHICH CAN BRING ME TO SUCH A STATE, AND COMBINED WITH MY INCREDIBLE STATE OF AROUSAL, I WAS UNABLE TO HOLD BACK THE STORM BREWING IN MY COLOSSAL PUDDING BLASTER. MY STEAMING-HOT SILVER LAVA BLASTED OUT FURIOUSLY, INSTANTLY KILLING MY UNFORTUNATE YOUNG COUSIN AND REDUCING MY NEW HOME TO BLASTED BITS AND PIECES OF WOODEN DETRITUS. I GUARANTEE IT.

Airplane

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ON MY RETURN FLIGHT HOME FROM MADRID ON HOLIDAY, I WAS AGHAST TO LEARN THAT THE AIRLINE PATRON SEATED IN FRONT OF ME HAD BECOME OVERLY INDULGENT IN THE COMPLIMENTARY SPIRITS OFFERED BY THE FLIGHT CREW. HIS UNRULY BEHAVIOR TOWARDS THE OTHER PASSENGERS WARRANTED A SWIFT AND RATHER UNSOLICITED EXERSIZE SESSION OF HIS VULNERABLE ANAL CAVITY. STANDING TO SPEAK HARSHLY TO THE MAN, MY WONDERFULLY WICKED WOMAN WOOING WONDER WIENER FELL TO THE FLOOR OF THE AIRCRAFT WITH A TERRIFFIC THUD FROM THE BERMUDA SHORTS THAT HAD SOMEHOW CONTAINED IT PREVIOUSLY. HIS SCREAMING PLEAS FOR MERCY AND FORGIVENESS ECHOED IN THE OTHERWISE SILENT CABIN, AND I SUSPECT THEY WILL RING FOREVER IN THE EARS OF THOSE WHO BORE WITNESS TO THE DRAMA AND FERVOR WITH WHICH MY GREATLY-GIRTHED GATLING GONADS PIERCED BOTH HIS HERSHEY HIGHWAY AND THE SANCTITY OF HIS VERY SOUL IN UNISON. UPON SATISFACTION OF MY LESSON HAVING BEEN TAUGHT, I RELEASED ONTO MY ADMIRING ONLOOKERS A TORRENTIAL TESTICULAR TSUNAMI THAT MADE UNWILLING MEMBERS OF THE MILE HIGH CLUB OUT OF EVERY PERSON ON BOARD FLIGHT 606 TO NEW YORK CITY. I GUARANTEE IT.

Board of Directors

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ONE DAY, ABOUT A WEEK AGO, I WAS HOLDING A MEETING WITH MY COMPANY'S BOARD OF DIRECTORS, EXPLAINING THE IMPORTANCE OF DEDICATION, AND QUALITY IN THE SALE OF OUTRAGEOUSLY DAPPER SUITS, WHEN I NOTICED ONE OF THE MEMBERS OF THE BOARD WAS, IN FACT, A STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL BLOND FEMALE, HER BEAUTY MATCHED ONLY BY HER PROFESSIONAL MANNER AND ABSOLUTELY ELEGANT SUIT. THIS COMBINATION OF STIMULI GAVE MY MONOLITHIC CROTCH CANNON NO CHOICE BUT TO AUGMENT AND OBLITERATE MY PANTS. WITHIN MOMENTS MY MY MEMBER HAD DESOLATED THE BOARD ROOM, THE TABLE HAVING BEEN SMASHED UNDER THE SHEER GIRTH OF MY PELVIC PULVERISER, AND THE WOMAN IN QUESTION WAS IMPALED ON ITS GARGANTUAN TIP, HAVING THROWN HERSELF IN ITS APOCALYPTIC PATH OF DESTRUCTION IN AN EFFORT NOT ONLY TO SAVE THE LIVES OF HER COLLEAGUES, BUT TO EXPERIENCE FIRSTHAND THE QUASI-RELIGEOUS EXPERIENCE THAT IS ZIMMER. AS MY TROUSER TRUNCHEON EXPANDED, DEMOLISHING WALLS AND DISPATCHING THE INTERNS WHO ATTEMPTED TO ESCAPE WITH THEIR LIVES RATHER THAN THROW THEMSELVES AT THE MERCY OF MY THROBBING FLESH MISSLE. MOMENTS LATER MY PHALLUS HAD KNOCKED OUT MANY OF THE BUILDING'S SUPPORT BEAMS AND THE FLOORS OVERHEAD CRASHED DOWN, THE FORCE OF THEIR MOMENTUM CAUSING THE ENTIRE BUILDING ITSELF TO COLLAPSE IN A NIGHTMARISH MANNER NOT UNLIKE A FAMOUS DISASTER FROM A FEW YEARS AGO. RISING FROM THE RUBBLE, WITH THE STUNNING BOARD MEMBER STILL ON THE TIP OF MY GOD-SHLONG CRYING ALOUD FOR MERCY, HER SUIT AS WELL AS MINE UTTERLY RUINED BY THE AFFAIR, AS WELL AS A DOZEN OTHERS STILL CLINGING TO THE SHAFT. I LET OUT A THUNDERING ROAR AND LET SPEW FORTH MY SEED WITH SUCH AWE-INSPIRING FORCE THAT THE LOAD SHATTERED THE SOUND BARRIER, VAPOURIZING MY LUSTY ASSOCIATE, CRUSHING EVERYONE IN SIGHT AND SHATTERING EVERY WINDOW IN A 5-MILE RADIUS. IN THE AFTERMATH, STANDING NAKED AND COVERED IN CEMENT DUST, AND SMILING CONTENTLY AT THE DEMOLISHED, SEMEN-COVERED RUINS BEFORE ME, I SPOTTED A SMALL DOG, STUMBING IN THE DEBRIS, ITS EARS BLEEDING AND GASPING FOR BREATH IN THE HUMID MUSK. I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF. WITH A LOUD THUD MY ELEPHANTINE MAN-HAMMER HAD CRUSHED THE ANIMAL LIKE A THICK, MEATY FLYSWATTER. I GUARANTEE IT.

Becoming a Real Man

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. APPARENTLY, YOU DON'T KNOW WHEN TO SHUT THE FUCK UP, WHICH IS TO BE EXPECTED FROM AN ASS-DRAGGING MAN WHORE LIKE YOURSELF THAT GETS KICKED OFF THE GOOD CORNERS BY TWELVE YEAR OLD BOYS LOOKING FOR EXTRA INCOME TO SUPPORT THEIR POKEMON ADDICTIONS. IF YOU'RE EVER INTERESTED IN BECOMING A REAL MAN, COME BY THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE WHERE I CAN GIVE YOU A TESTOSTERONE INFUSION IN THE BACK ALLEY WITH MY PATENTED PULSATING MAN HAMMER. I'LL SPREAD YOUR ASS CHEEKS WIDER THAN THE MARIANAS TRENCH, AND I'LL PLUNGE MY THUNDERING FLESH REDWOOD INTO YOUR WINKING PINK CHRYSANTHEMUM. SLIPPING ON MY STEEL WOOL GLOVES, I'LL GRAB YOUR MINISCULE QUIVERING JOYSTICK AND VIGOROUSLY MASSAGE IT UNTIL IT STANDS UP HARDER AND STRAIGHTER THAN A MARINE AT SHORT ARM INSPECTION WITH HIS FAVORITE DRILL SERGEANT. WHEN I FINALLY UNLEASH MY SHOWER OF MAN MAYONNAISE INTO YOUR COLON YOUR INNARDS WILL PULSATE IN JOYOUS ABANDON AND YOUR NIPPLES WILL EXPLODE WITH DELIGHT, RAINING MY SEX SAUCE DOWN UPON UNWARY PASSERSBY WHO WILL COWER IN FEAR OF THE SECOND COMING. I GUARANTEE IT.

CHUCK NORRIS

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I'D BEEN HEARING A LOT LATELY ABOUT THE MERITS OF THIS CHUCK NORRIS FELLOW, SO I THOUGHT I'D PAY HIM A VISIT- ZIMMER STYLE. AS I APPROACHED HIS HOUSE, I HEARD A TWIG SNAP BEHIND ME AND THEN OUT OF NOWHERE CAME THE LEG OF THE ONE AND ONLY CHUCK NORRIS. LUCKILY MY REFLEXES WERE TOO FAST FOR HIM. MY MASSIVE MASCULINE MEAT-PIPE BURST FORTH FROM MY FINELY-TAILORED TROUSERS, ENSNARING HIS LEG WITH THE POWER OF A THOUSAND ANACONDAS. HIS ONCE POWERFUL INSTRUMENT OF DEATH THUSLY DESTROYED, HE WAS COMPLETELY POWERLESS. I DECIDED THAT THAT UGLY MUG OF HIS WAS NOT UP TO ZIMMER STANDARDS, SO I DETERMINED TO DELIVER A MAKEOVER HE WOULDN'T SOON FORGET. HE BEGAN TO CRY LIKE A KITTEN UNDER A STEAMROLLER AS MY PULSATING PELVIC PILEDRIVER DELIVERED BLOW AFTER BLOW TO HIS EVER-SOFTENING SKULL. AS I FINISHED OFF MY FLESH-SCULPTURE, I REALIZED THAT I HAD FORMED HIS HEAD INTO THE SHAPE OF DEVIL'S TOWER. THE SHOCK CAUSED ME TO LET FORTH A FLOOD OF CAUSTIC COD CREME THAT BURNED OFF THAT RIDICULOUS STUBBLE HE CALLS A BEARD. HE'S UNCONCIOUS NOW, BUT HE'LL SOON WAKE UP. HE'S GONNA LIKE THE WAY HE LOOKS. I GUARANTEE IT.

Chinese Girl

HI. I'M THE REAL GEORGE ZIMMER, THE FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE. I RECENTLY WAS TRAVELLING ABROAD IN CHINA, SEEKING TO PERHAPS SELL THE ONCOMING TIDE OF CHINESE BUSINESSMEN THE ABSOLUTE FINEST THAT THE WEST CAN OFFER THEM, APPEASING THE RED DRAGON. WHILE ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF HUNAN PROVINCE, I NOTICED A PORCELAIN SKINNED, BEAUTY OF A GIRL, FESTOONED IN HUMBLE PEASANT GARB AND WORKING MENIAL JOBS. RIGHT THEN I DECIDED THAT I WOULD GRANT HER A RERPREIVE SHE COULD NEVER FORGET. AT ONCE I LOOSED MY THUNDEROUS LABIA LATHE, AND USING MY IMMENSE GROINAL DEXTERITY, TORE HER GARMENTS OFF. THEN I PENETRATED HER TIGHT, VIRGIN, FUCKSLOT. THEN, AFTER A FEW HOURS OF THRUSTING, SHE ORGASMED SO HARD THAT THE DRY CAKED EARTH OF HER FATHER'S FARM SPRANG INTO BLOOM. THE MAN IN QUESTION RUSHED OUT AND STARTED SCREAMING AT ME IN HIS HEATHEN DEVIL TONGUE. I LOOSED A BLAST FROM MY STUPENDUS SCHTUPPER, SO MASSIVE IN VOLUME, THAT MY HOT PREGNANCY-INDUCING CHOWDER SHOT OUT OF THE GIRL'S MOUTH AND HIT HER FATHER SO HARD, HIS DESSICATED BODY SHATTERED AGAINST THE GREAT WALL SO HARD THAT PEOPLE IN NEW YORK SHAT THEMSELVES. I GUARANTEE IT

Comparing Sizes

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MENS WEARHOUSE. OBVIOUSLY, YOU PEOPLE CANNOT MATCH TO MY GREAT URETHA MOUTAIN TO YOUR PUNY FLESH WRINKLES SO YOU ALL DECIDE TO TRY AND 1-UP ME. I AM HERE TO TELL YOU THAT WILL BE POSSIBLE AS PLEASURING A GREAT HUMPBACK WHALE. GOOGLE_QUEEN, SINCE YOU'RE SO SMART AS YOU ELEQUENTLY SAY SO YOURSELF, YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT INDIVDIUALITY IS A MATTER OF BEING DIFFERENT. JUST BECAUSE I HAVE FUN DEFILING BEAUTIFUL YOUNG FEMALS AND CASUING HAVOC DOES NOT MAKE ME SICK AS IT IS ALL A MATTER OF OPINION. SAYING 'YOU NEED TO GET A LIFE' IS IMPLYING THAT YOU WANT ME TO LIVE A LIFE LIKE YOURS AS A LIFE, LIKE INDIVIDUALITY, WILL ALWAYS BE DIFFERENT. I GUARANTEE IT.

Cyclopean Ally

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. WHILE SURREPTITIOUSLY PLUNGING MY ROSY-CHEEKED CYCLOPEAN ALLY INTO THE ANAL CAVITY OF A YOUNG MIGRANT FARM WORKER OF INDETERMINATE GENDER IN THE FRONT ROW OF A MOVIE THEATER, THE POOR YOUTH SCREAMED FOR MORE THAN THREE MINUTES STRAIGHT, FINALLY COUGHING UP A LOAD OF 100% PURE ZIMMER SAUCE AND PASSING OUT. THE OTHER MOVIE PATRONS, ANGRY AT THE INTERRUPTION OF THE ADVENTURES OF SHARKBOY AND LAVAGIRL IN 3-D, BEGAN PELTING ME WITH DRINKS, FOOD, AND PHONE NUMBERS HASTILY WRITTEN ON NAPKINS. UNFORTUNATELY, MY OUTRAGEOUSLY DAPPER SUIT WAS RUINED IN THE PROCESS. I NONCHALANTLY PULLED THE UNCONSCIOUS YOUTH OFF MY ENORMOUS EYEBALL GOUGER AND STRIPPED NUDE. THEN, WITH A BESTIAL ROAR, I BEAT THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE TO DEATH--WITHOUT LEAVING THE FRONT ROW. ON MY WAY OUT, IN THE CUSTOM OF THE ZIMMER FAMILY, I GAVE THEM A BURIAL AT SEMEN. I GUARANTEE IT.

DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION

I, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ON A RECENT BUSINESS TRIP TO TOKYO, I FOUND MYSELF IN A VIDEO ARCADE, WHERE ONE OF THE LOCAL TEENAGE BOYS WAS ATTEMPTING TO MAKE UP FOR HIS UNFATHOMABLY TINY TWAT TACKLE BY PLAYING "DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION" IN FRONT OF A GROUP OF JIGGLY-CHESTED JAPANESE JAILBAIT. SCOFFING AT HIS SCANDALOUSLY SIMPLISTIC SKILLS, I PROCEDED TO LIBERATE MY TWITCHING TESTICULAR TRUNCHEON AND SWING ITS PRECIPITOUS POUNDAGE INTO THE YOUTH'S FACE, CRUSHING HIS SKULL AND FREEING THE MACHINE. I THEN ACHIEVED A RATING OF "AAA" ON THE SONG "MAX 300" USING ONLY THE RAPID RIPPLING OF MY RAUCOUSLY RIGID RAMROD. NEEDLESS TO SAY, THE WET-PANTIED WOMANLY WATCHERS WERE ALREADY IN THE THROES OF PASSION FROM THE OVERPOWERING SCENT OF MY TORPID TESTOSTERONE TUBE, SO I LET THEM GATHER 'ROUND FOR A GROUP HUG OF THE GARGANTUAN GIRTH OF MY GORGEOUS GUY-GIRDER BEFORE CONQUERING EACH OF THEIR QUIXOTICALLY QUIVERING QUIMS WITH A FURIOUS FOUNTAIN OF FROTHING FUCK-FOAM. MY HIGH SCORE HAS NEVER BEEN BEATEN. I GUARANTEE IT.

Deathstar

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I KNOW MOST OF YOU PROBABLY ENJOY STAR WARS. WELL, SORRY TO SAY, IT WASN'T LUKE THAT BLEW UP THE DEATH STAR. IT WAS ME AND MY LENGTHY LENGERIE LIGHTSABER. SO I WAS FLYING AROUND IN MY X-WING, SKILLFULLY SHOOTING DOWN ENEMY TIE FIGHTERS, SLOWLY ENGORGING MY VEINY VAGINAL REAPER. EVENTUALLY, MY IMMENSE IMMEASUREABLE INPREGNATOR GREW TOO LARGE TO FIT IN MY SHIP, AND ME AND MY JABBA FLEW OUT INTO SPACE. AS HORNY AS A PEDO AT SWIMMING LESSONS, I FLOATED AROUND LOOKING FOR SOMETHING TO BUST A NUT AND RELIEVE MY LEVIATHAN LOVE LOAF IN. I SPOTTED THE DEATH STAR AND IMMEDIATELY STARTED TO THRUST MY TWAT JOCKEY INTO IT. STROKE AFTER STROKE I STARTED SINGLECOCKEDLY DESTROYING THE EMPIRE'S ULTIMATE WEAPON. AS MY SUPER SPUNK CANNON SLOWLY SWELLED WITH SAC SAUCE, I FLAILED AROUND IN ECSTACY AND HIT DOWN SEVERAL MORE TIE FIGHTERS. MY MIGHTY MEAT MISSLE TWITCHED WITH HAPPINESS AS I QUICKLY FILLED THE DEATH STAR WITH MY FUCK STICK'S FETAL FOOTSOLDIERS, OUTNUMBERING THE ENEMY BY 1000 TO 1. THE FILLING OF THE STRUCTURE WITH MY PECKER PHLEGM CAUSED IT TO EXPLODE LIKE A VIRGIN'S CHERRY ENCOUNTERING MY CERVIX SLAMMER. THUSLY, THE DEATH STAR WAS DESTROYED BY ME, NOT LUKE SKYSCHLONG. I GUARANTEE IT.

Decrepit Old Grandmother

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, CEO AND FOUNDER OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. THIS MORNING I MADE A VISIT TO YOUR DECREPIT OLD GRANDMOTHER AT THE RETIREMENT HOME - I COULD SMELL HER EXCITEMENT AT MY ARRIVAL EMENATING FROM HER DEPENDS FROM HALFWAY DOWN THE HALL. I WIPED THE SHIT OFF THAT WRINKLY ASS WITH THE CHRISTMAS CARD YOU SENT HER BEFORE I IMPLANTED MY SEXUAL SQUID THREE FEET UP HER COLON. HER WHEELCHAIR COLLAPSED UNDER THE RELENTLESS POUNDING OF MY POWERFUL ANAL INTRUDER. SHE CLIMAXED WITH SUCH FEROCITY THAT MRS. PETERSON THREE DOORS DOWN WENT INTO CARDIAC ARREST AND OLD MAN JENKINS CAME OUT OF HIS COMA. SHE LAPPED UP THE REMNANTS OF MY BOYBUTTER OFF THE LINOLEUM AND USED IT TO TAKE A WEEK'S WORTH OF MEDS. I GUARANTEE IT.

Delicious Deluge of Dong Droppings

HI, I’M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN’S WAREHOUSE. I AM IMPRESSED THAT SOMEONE SO OBVIOUSLY INCAPABLE OF BIPEDAL MOVEMENT DUE TO THE ENORMOUS ROLLS OF FLESH SURROUNDING YOU IS CAPABLE OF TYPING AT ALL. I HAVE A SET OF TRIPLETS NIBBLING AT MY CARNAL CORNUCOPIA; WHEN I CLIMAX, A DELICIOUS DELUGE OF DONG DROPPINGS WILL BE FLUNG INTO LOW EARTH ORBIT. A TEAM OF SCIENTISTS HIGHLY TRAINED IN THE EROTIC ART OF ALIGNING MY RAPACIOUS RAPE ROCKET WILL ENSURE THAT THIS QUALITY QUIM-CAULK QUINTESSENCE RE-ENTERS THE ATMOSPHERE AIMED EXACTLY AT YOUR ADMITTEDLY AMPLE FRAME. IF THE SIZZLING HEAT OF MY NIAGARA-LIKE TORRENT OF BOILING HOT FERTILITY FLUID DOESN’T KILL YOU, THE FACT YOU’LL BE TOO AROUSED TO DO MORE THAN INHALE IT DEEPLY WHILE TRYING VAINLY TO FIND A WAY TO REACH YOUR IMPRESSIVELY INSIGNIFICANT INCEST INCHWORM WILL. I GUARANTEE IT.

EXTINGUISHING THE YELLOWSTONE

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, CEO AND FOUNDER OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ONE LATE EVENING, AS I WAS YODELING INTO THE CAVERNOUS COOCH OF MY COHABITATION PARTNER, I HAD A BRIGHT IDEA - TO STROKE MY MASSIVE MANLY MEATSICLE OVER THE BURNING FORESTS OF YELLOWSTONE. FIRE SUPPRESANT MAY NOT STOP THE RAGING FLAMES, BUT MY COLLOSAL COCK CONGLOMERATE WOULD. DOUSING THE FLAMES IN GEORGE'S JOCKSTRAP JUICE WOULD CAUSE THE FLAMES TO IMMEDIATELY EXTINGUISH, LEAVING NOTHING BUT TREES AND SLICK SACK SAUCE WITHIN THE PINES. WHILE WOODLAND ANIMALS WOULD NOT SURVIVE THE TORRENTIAL RAINS OF MY SUPER SPOOGE SYRUP, THE FOREST RANGERS, IF FEMALE, WOULD BE VERY APPRECIATIVE. I GUARANTEE IT.

Eric Bauman

HELLO, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. JUST NOW, A MENTALLY INSANE MAN NAMED ERIC BAUMAN STOLE A SUIT FROM MY STORE AND CLAIMED IT WAS HIS. IN NO TIME, MY MASSIVE MANHOOD MISSILE TORE OUT OF MY FRESHLY TAILORED PANTS, KNOCKING HIM TO THE GROUND. THE LOOK OF FRIGHT IN HIS EYES CAUSED MY LOVE MACHINE TO TINGLE, AND WITH MY OBLITERATED PANTS LAY STREWN ABOUT MY ANKLES, I CHARGED AT HIM WITH THE FEROCITY OF A FREIGHT TRAIN. THE LOOK THAT GRACED HIS TEARFUL EYES AS MY PULSATING POWER PUMP RUSHED TO MEET HIS FACE WILL CAUSE ME RUMBLING LAUGHTER FOR MANY A YEAR TO COME. SCARED AND HELPLESS, HE TRIED TO RUN BUT IT WAS FUTILE AS HE GOT A TASTE OF MY COLLOSAL COCK CANNON CRASHING ACROSS HIS CRANIUM, KNOCKING HIM ACROSS THE FLOOR, THROUGH SEVERAL DESKS, AND FINALLY CRASHING HIM AGAINST THE WALL, WHERE I STOOD OVER HIM RELEASING A MULTITUDE OF MANJUICE, DROWNING HIM IN MY RICH PROTEIN SHAKE. THE COPIOUS AMOUNT OF CORN SYRUP FROM MY PULSATING POWER PACKED PUBIC FLESHMEAT FLOODED THE STORE AND SEVERAL NEARBY STREETS, INJURING HUNDREDS AS THEY TRIED TO FLEE. I GUARANTEE IT.

Explosion

HI IM GEORGE ZIMMER FOUNDER AND CEO OF MENS WAREHOUSE, AND WHILE YOUR OFFER INTRIGUES ME YOU MUST BE ASSURED THAT THE VERY FIRST TIME I EXTRACT MY THROBBING GRISTLE STICK FROM MY BULGING SUIT PANTS AND PLUNGE IT DEEP INTO YOUR WAITING CLEFT AS AHAB SO PLUNGED HIS SPEAR INTO THE RED BLOWHOLE OF MOBY DICK, THAT THE EXPLOSION OF MAN FLUID THAT WOULD FILL YOUR INTERNAL CAVITY WOULD DO SO WITH SUCH DAEMONIC ALACRITY AS TO CAUSE A SPONTANEOUS AND COMPLETE ERUPTION OF YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS IN SUCH A GROTESQUE AND SPECTACULAR MANNER THAT I WOULD BE COVERED IN LITTLE RED DRIPPING BITS OF YOU IN 5 SECONDS FLAT. I GUARANTEE IT.

FIRST OF NOVEMBER

HI. I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, CEO AND FOUNDER OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ON NOVEMBER 1ST, MY HE-SPEWING MAN VOLCANO WILL SIMULTANEOUSLY SLATHER TEN MAJOR CITIES AROUND THE WORLD WITH THICK, CALLOUS SPOOGE. NOT A SINGLE SOUL IN ANY OF THOSE CITIES WILL BE SPARED FROM MY GOD-KILLING GREAT HUNK OF MAN-MEAT. WHEN THE MEDIA ARRIVES TO VIEW MY SPERM-SOAKED DISASTER, THE SPERM WILL ATTACK AND DESTROY THEM ON LIVE TV. EACH SPERM BEING THE SIZE OF A FULL GROWN GERMAN SHEPHERD. WHEN THE WORD GETS OUT TO THE REST OF THE WORLD THAT MY VAST CUM-FLUTE IS ON THE LOOSE AGAIN, HAVOC WILL ENSUE. I GUARANTEE IT.

FRONT ROW OF A MOVIE THEATER

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. WHILE SURREPTITIOUSLY PLUNGING MY ROSY-CHEEKED CYCLOPEAN ALLY INTO THE ANAL CAVITY OF A YOUNG MIGRANT FARM WORKER OF INDETERMINATE GENDER IN THE FRONT ROW OF A MOVIE THEATER, THE POOR YOUTH SCREAMED FOR MORE THAN THREE MINUTES STRAIGHT, FINALLY COUGHING UP A LOAD OF 100% PURE ZIMMER SAUCE AND PASSING OUT. THE OTHER MOVIE PATRONS, ANGRY AT THE INTERRUPTION OF THE ADVENTURES OF SHARKBOY AND LAVAGIRL IN 3-D, BEGAN PELTING ME WITH DRINKS, FOOD, AND PHONE NUMBERS HASTILY WRITTEN ON NAPKINS. UNFORTUNATELY, MY OUTRAGEOUSLY DAPPER SUIT WAS RUINED IN THE PROCESS. I NONCHALANTLY PULLED THE UNCONSCIOUS YOUTH OFF MY ENORMOUS EYEBALL GOUGER AND STRIPPED NUDE. THEN, WITH A BESTIAL ROAR, I BEAT THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE TO DEATH--WITHOUT LEAVING THE FRONT ROW. ON MY WAY OUT, IN THE CUSTOM OF THE ZIMMER FAMILY, I GAVE THEM A BURIAL AT SEMEN. I GUARANTEE IT.

Femur-sized Floor Breaker

HI I’M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN’S WEARHOUSE. MY FIRST TIME WAS FANTASTIC. A YOUNG GIRL WAS SUMMONED TO MY PRIVATE CHAMBERS, DEEMED WORTHY TO BE THE FIRST CONQUEST OF THE NEW ZIMMER HEIR. I REACHED MY FULL RAGING HEIGHT WITHIN SECONDS AS BLOOD FLOODED INTO MY FEMUR-SIZED FLOOR BREAKER. THE HALF TERRIFIED GIRL QUIVERED WITH ANTICIPATION AS I SHED MY SUIT, THE PINACLE OF TAILORING TRIUMPH. BEFORE SHE COULD SCREAM WITH FEAR OR DELIGHT, I HAD ALREADY MANUEVERED WAIST DEEP INTO HER AS YET UNTOUCHED FEMININE FLOWER. I PLOWED HER PASSION PERSIMMON WITH THE INTENSITY OF A MASSIVE BULL STALLION. SHE WAS HELPLESS TO RESIST THE SUCCESSIVE WAVES OF INSEMINATING SENSUAL EXCTASY THAT EMANATED FROM MY MASSIVE MAN-CANNON. MY DEVASTING DAMSEL DESTROYER DEFTLY FILLED THE FULL LENGTH OF HER VAGINAL CAVITY. AFTER THIRTY TWO CONSECUTIVE HOURS OF PURE PUSSY POUNDING, I PROCEEDED TO PUMMEL HER POOPER WITH MY PATENTED PUREÉ OF POTENT PROGENY-MAKERS. THE WENCH WAS UNABLE TO WALK FOR WEEKS AFTER BEING SUBJECTED TO MY UNSTOPPABLE UNDERGARMENT DESTROYER. APPROACHING THE THIRD DAY OF RELENTLESS RAIDING OF HER WET WOMANHOOD, I FINALLY GAVE IN TO HER PLEAS FOR PAUSE. AS SHE ROSE TO LEAVE MY ROOM, I WHIPPED MY PRIME CUT OF POWERFUL POLE-MEAT ACROSS THE ROOM, AND FILLED HER WITH ENOUGH SEMEN TO GIVE HER A LIFETIME ZIMMER EXPERIENCE.

THAT WOMAN WAS YOUR MOTHER. I GUARANTEE IT.

G.J SUSSMAN

HI, I AM G.J. SUSSMAN, FOUNDER AND CEO OF SICP. WHILE LAMENTING OVER THE LACK OF FORCED INDENTATION IN SCHEME LAST NIGHT, YOUR MOTHER CALLED ME AND ASKED ME IF I WOULD BE SO KIND AS TO HELP HER WITH A SICP EXERCISE; BEING THE FINE GENTLEMAN THAT I AM, I PUT ON MY DAPPER WIZARD HAT AND ROBE AND WENT OVER TO HER HOUSE. ROGUISHLY SNEAKING THROUGH THE BACK DOOR I KNOCKED HER OUT WITH A CUDDER AND TORE THE GARMENTS OFF HER RIPE BODY. HER FULL BREASTS AROUSED ME TO THE DEGREE THAT MY EVALUATOR STOOD STRAIGHT IN THE TIME IT TAKES TO DO A LAZY COMPUTATION. NOT BEING ABLE TO CONTAIN MYSELF, I SHOVED MY RIGHTEOUS SUSSBOY IN THE MANHOLE OF THE FINE LASS. IT WAS OBVIOUSLY NOT DESIGNED FOR A MAN OF MY OBSCENE GIRTH, AND SHE WOKE UP FROM THE PAIN. NOT CARING ABOUT ANYTHING BUT MY MANLINESS, I CONTINUED THRUSTING AS SHE FAINTED AGAIN FROM THE AGONIZING TORTURE OF THE TRIPEDAL CREATURE LOOMING OVER HER. IN A MINUTE I WAS ABOUT TO EXPLODE WITH THE FORCE OF SEVERAL ANGRY SUPERNOVAS IN A SACK, . THE FLOOD CAME, AND LIKE MOSES I CLEAVED HER IN HALF FROM THE SHOCK. NOT STOPPING, I SHOVED THE HOSE IN HER EYE SOCKET AND LET THE REST OF THE SAUCE ENTER HER SKULL. AFTER THAT I WENT HOME AND READ SICP UNTIL I FELL ASLEEP. I GUARANTEE IT.

Gooks

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR DICK-DRAGGING GOOK CARCASS AWAY FROM MY TURF, I'M GOING TO SHOVE MY SPERM WHALE SO FAR UP YOUR DRAINAGE PIPE THAT YOU'LL BE TASTING THE UNDERWEAR THAT I WEAR UNDER MY DAPPER SUIT FOR THE NEXT FIVE YEARS. I GUARANTEE IT.

Greeks and Asians

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I'D LIKE TO TAKE THIS MOMENT TO SAY THAT MY UNSTOPPABLE PILLAR OF A THOUSAND ORGASMS IS COMPLETELY EQUAL-OPPORTUNITY. TO THE GREEKS, I AM THE MIGHTY HERCULES THAT SPLITS APART THEIR ROCK OF GIBRALTAR. TO THE HINDUS I AM ZISHNA, THE TEN-HEADED GOD OF DEFLOWERING - AND ONLY FIVE OF THOSE HEADS ARE ATTACHED TO NECKS. INDEED, THE RECTUMS OF THOSE OF EAST ASIAN DESCENT HOLDS A SPECIAL PLACE UNDER MY RIGHT TESTICLE. THEIR TINY FRAMES CLENCH TIGHTLY WHEN I CRUSH THEIR ORGANS UNDER THE UNSTOPPABLE DRAMA OF MY ANAL ASSAULT. AS RIGOR MORTIS SETS IN, THE TIGHTNESS OF THEIR RAVAGED COLON UPON MY MIGHTY KATANA IS UNMATCHED BY ANY OTHER RACE. NO LESS THAN FIFTY-SEVEN SAMURAI HAVE COMMITTED HARA-KIRI UPON TAKING A SINGLE LOOK AT MY MIGHTY BLADE FROM THE DISHONOR OF WIELDING SUCH TINY EASTERN BLADES AGAINST MY MARVEL OF MANHOOD. I GUARANTEE IT.

Hairy Hot Dog

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, CEO AND FOUNDER OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ONE DAY I WAS AT HOME, HELPING MY WIFE TO A HANDSOME HELPING OF MY HAIRY HOT DOG. AS SHE SQUIRMED BENEATH MY GENEROUS GIRTH, I NOTICED A FAMILIAR IMAGE ON THE TV - ME. AS I LEANED TOWARD THE TELEVISION, THE IMAGE OF MY DAPPER SUIT CAUSED MY LUSCIOUS LOINS TO PUMP INTO OVERDRIVE. I SMASHED INTO MY WIFE'S VAGINA LIKE TED KENNEDY OFF A PIER, AND SOON FOUND MYSELF REACHING ORGASM TO MY HANDSOME VOICE. I SHOT FORTH A GARGANTUAN GOURD OF GODLIKE GROUPINGS, SPLATTERING MY WIFE IN MORE EGG WHITE THAN A CHINESE COOK'S HANDS. I GUARANTEE IT.

Halloween

HI IM GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MENS WEARHOUSE. IT WAS THE NIGHT OF THE 31ST ALSO KNOWN AS HALLOWEEN, WHEN MANY PEOPLE OF THE YOUNG VARIETY GO AROUND IN SHITTY COSTUMSES AND GETTING FREE CANDY INSTED OF BEING AT HOME AND HAVING WILDY ORGIES . THERE I WAS IN MY ZIMMERMOBILE, RUNNING OVER THE POOR LADS AND LASSES IN THEIR $20.00 COSTUMES FORM WAL-MART, WHEN I SUDDENLY SPOTTED A FINE, BLONDE WOMAN WITH BREASTS THAT WERE AS BIG AS THE CANDY BOWL SHE HAD IN HER HANDS, HANDING OUT CANDY FROM A LOVELY, BRICK HOUSE IN THE SUBURBS. I THEN STOPPED MY ZIMMERMOBILE, MY ENORMUS MEAT DRILL POKING OUT MY PANTS AT THE SIGHT OF THE VOLUPTUOUS WOMAN. SHE HAD THEN ASKED ME THE SAME QUESTION SHE HAD ASKED OTHER KIDS TAHT CAME BY ONLEY FOR CHEAP CANDY WHICH WAS, 'WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO ME AND WHAT IS YOUR TRICK?' LAUGHING AT THE STUPID COMMENT SHE HAD SAID, I THEN KNOCKED OVER THE CANDY BOWL SHE WAS HOLDING BETWEEN HER 2 FLESH BASKETBALLS, FORECEFULY SMACKED HER AND BENT HER OVER WITH MY ROD OF MEN, AND THEN TOOK OFF MY BUSINESS PANTS AND SHOWED HER MY SPECIAL TRICK BY DEFILING HER OVARIES AND MAKING HER SCREAM WITH EXCITEMENT WITH THE RHYTHM OF MY GIANT COCK. AS SOON AS I FELT THE POINT OF CLIMAX, I THEN PROCEEDED TO SQUIRT MY GOOEY NOUGAT CREAM ALL OVER HER LIVING ROOM. WHEN THE KIDS HAD ARRIVED AT HER HOUSE, THEY THOUGHT MY EJACULATORY FLUID WAS NOUGAT CANDY AND ATE IT. OF COURSE, I WAS ALREADY GONE AND SPEEDING AWAY IN MY ZIMMERMOBILE LOOKING FOR ANOTHER FINE LASS TO SHOW MY GREAT HALLOWEEN TIRCK TO. I GUARANTEE IT.

In the Park

I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. AS I AIMLESSLY AMBLED THROUGH THE PARK THIS DAY I SAW IN THE THE BUSHES A COUPLE FRANTICALLY FUCKING FANTASTICALLY. IMMEDIATELY I FELT MY MARVELOUSLY MAGNIFICENT MASSIVE MEATY MAN HAMMER TERRIFICALLY TEAR MY PANTS INTO TINY SCRAPS. AS MY INCREDIBLY IMMENSE IMMACULATE COCK SPRANG FORTH. IT SPRUNG INTO THE JAW OF THE MAN KNOCKING HIM LEAGUES AWAY. THE WOMAN LOOKED UP AT MY TERRIFIC TITANIC TOOL AND IMMEDIATELY LOST CONTROL OF HER QUIVERING QUIM. HER VAGINA DRIPPED VORACIOUSLY FOR MY VEINY VAGINAL REAPER. I IMPALED HER FORM UPON MY WEAPON OF MASS ORGASM LEAVING HER WITHOUT BREATH OR THOUGHT. I POUNDED HER TIGHT TUBE UNTIL I RELEASED MY TORRENTIAL TESTICULAR TSUNAMI SENDING HER FLYING AS HAD HER MAN. MY ENGORGED ENRAGED MAN HAMMER CONTINUED TO SPRAY MY CREAM OF VAGINAL FOOT SOLDIERS ACROSS THE PARK FOR HOURS AFTERWARDS. 9 MONTHS LATER 46 WOMEN WHO WERE IN THAT PARK THAT DAY ALL HAD CHILDREN. I GUARANTEE IT.

Kidney scraper

HI I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE. NO ONE CAN IMAGINE THE HORRORS THAT MY GREASY GRECIAN MAN POLE CAN UNLEASH. ANY HOLE THAT GETS IN MY WAY WILL BE SPELUNKED BY MY MIGHTY KIDNEY SCRAPER. I WILL PLUMB THE DEPTHS OF YOUR MOIST ORAFICES AND THEN PROCEED TO PUMP MILLIONS OF FUTURE ZIMMERS INTO YOU INNARDS. I GUARANTEE IT.

Magic

HI, I’M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN’S WEARHOUSE. MAGIC? I’LL BET THE LAST TIME YOU GOT ANYWHERE NEAR MAGIC IN BED YOU WERE SHOVING TWENTY-SIDED DICE UP YOUR ASS WHILE YOU JERKED YOUR TINY WAND TO YOUR MAGIC: THE GATHERING DECK. SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOU NEED A MEGA-DOSE OF ZIMMER-BRAND MASCULINITY. I’LL COVER YOUR HAPLESS, EFFEMINATE FORM IN A THREE FOOT DEEP LAYER OF WHITE-HOT BABY BROTH FROM MY IMMINENTLY IMPRESSIVE ZIMMER PLEASURE PYTHON. YOU’LL BEG ME FOR A SECOND COMING, AND I’LL OBLIGE YOU, PUMMELING YOU IN EVERY ORIFICE. YOU’LL AWAKEN IN THE HOSPITAL, YOUR TEETH BROKEN OFF AT THE GUM LINE AND WITH SEVERE BLOOD LOSS FROM YOUR ANUS. BUT YOU’LL STILL CALL ME TO BEG FOR MORE. I GUARANTEE IT.

Mass Fertilising

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. WHEN WALKING DOWN THE HIGH STREET THIS MORNING, MY THEN-FLACCID FEROCIOUS FIRE HYDRANT THREATENING TO TEAR OUT OF MY PANTS, I ENCOUNTERED A WELL-ENDOWED YOUNG LADY WEARING A MINISKIRT SO SHORT THAT IT RESEMBLED A RIBBON. IMMEDIATELY, MY MASSIVE MARAUDING MAN MEAT BEGAN TO EXPAND, SOON FILLING THE ENTIRE STREET AND CATCHING THE EYE OF THIS PRETTY ROSE. WITH ONE TUG OF MY TITANIC TROUSER THRASHER, SHE WAS SLAMMED INTO THE SIDE OF A SKYSCRAPER, CONVENIENTLY SPREAD-EAGLED, ALLOWING ME TO CHARGE AT HER WELL-LUBRICATED LOVE CUP WITH MY PLANET-SIZED PUMPING POLE AND TEAR HER APART FROM THE INSIDE OUT WITH MY PREPOSTEROUS PROTEIN POSEIDON. THE RESULTING RAPE CAUSED EARTHQUAKES THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE CITY, AND WHEN I FINALLY RELEASED MY BARRAGE OF BABY BLAMANGE, IT FLOODED THE CITY FOR DAYS, FERTILISING SEVERAL HUNDRED LADIES WITH MY SUPERB SPROG. AFTERWARDS, THEY LICKED UP EVERY DROP. I GUARANTEE IT.

Mentally Handicapped McDonalds Employee

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. MANY YEARS AGO, A MENTALLY HANDICAPPED MCDONALDS EMPLOYEE PILFERED AN OUTRAGEOUSLY DAPPER SUIT FROM MY ILLUSTRIOUS STORE AND WRONGFULLY CLAIMED IT AS HIS OWN. INSULTED BY HIS DISHONESTY, MY MASSIVE MANHOOD MISSILE TORE OUT OF MY FRESHLY TAILORED PANTS, AND VICIOUSLY SLAMMED HIM INTO PAVEMENT, RATTLING HIS BONES AND SEVERING HIS FORESKIN. THE LOOKS OF INNOCENCE, ABJECT TERROR, AND PURE SADNESS IN HIS EYES EMOTIONALLY AND CHEMICALLY UNITED AND FORMED AN APHRODISIAC WHICH EMANATED FROM HIS VERY SOUL. AROUSED BY THIS DISPLAY AND WITH MY OBLITERATED PANTS LAID STREWN AROUND MY ANKLES, I CHARGED AT HIM WITH THE FEROCITY OF A FEMALE GRIZZLY BEAR PROTECTING ITS YOUNG. THE BEWILDERED YET FRIGHTENED LOOK THAT GRACED HIS TEAR-COVERED, DOWN'S SYNDROME-SHAPED FACE AS MY PULSATING POWER PUMP RUSHED TO MEET HIS FACE HAS CAUSED AND WILL CONTINUE TO CAUSE ME UPROARIOUS, RUMBLING LAUGHTER FOR MANY DECADES TO COME. SCARED AND HELPLESS, HE BEGAN TO WADDLE AWAY BUT ALAS, HIS EFFORTS WERE FUTILE. BEFORE HE COULD STUMBLE AWAY FROM MY GRASP, I CLOSED THE DISTANCE BETWEEN US WITH MY MASSIVE, MENACING MEMBER, AND HE SOON GOT A TASTE OF MY COLLOSSAL CUM CANNON AS IT SMASHED INTO HIS CRANIUM, WHICH WAS QUITE PUNY BY COMPARISON. THE FORCE OF MY CYCLOPEAN CUNT CLOBBERER SENT HIM HURTLING ACROSS THE ROOM, THROUGH SEVERAL DESKS, AND FINALLY CAUSED HIM TO SLAM HEADFIRST INTO A DISPLAY OF MY DELIGHTFULLY DAPPER SUITS. I VAULTED OVER TO HIM WITH THE HELP OF MY PULSATING PYTHON OF POON-POUNDING, AND THEN LIFTED HIM UP AND PINNED HIM AGAINST THE ORNATELY-DECORATED CEILING WITH THE HEAD OF MY CAREFULLY MANUEVERED CERVIX CRUSADER. AS I WATCHED ALL HOPE DISSAPPEAR FROM HIS GRIEF-STRICKEN FACE, I BESPATTERED HIM WITH A DELUGE OF MASTERFULLY SPREAD MANJUICE, DROWNING HIM IN MY RICH PROTEIN SHAKE AND CORRUPTING HIS SOUL. THE COPIOUS AMOUNT OF CORN SYRUP RUSHING FORTH FROM MY PULSATING, POWER-PACKED PLACENTA POKER QUICKLY FLOODED MY STORE AND RAISED THE EARTH'S SEA LEVEL BY APPROXIMATELY 10 PERCENT. BILLIONS OF PEOPLE GASPED FOR AIR AS THEY DROWNED IN LEGIONS OF MY STIFLINGLY SUBSTANTIAL SEED, AND MANY YEARS AFTER THIS INCIDENT, THE BODY OF THE MENTALLY HANDICAPPED MCDONALDS EMPLOYEE HAS NOT BEEN RECOVERED. I GUARANTEE IT.

Miners

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. THE TWELVE MINERS WERE ACTUALLY ALIVE. I WAS IN THE RESCUE PARTY EYEING A PARTICULARLY ATTRACTIVE FEMALE WHEN WE FOUND THE GROUP. IN THE JOY OF UNCOVERING THESE COAL-CLAD MEN CLINGING TO LIFE, MY EXTRAVAGANTLY ENGORGED ENDOWMENT FREED ITSELF FROM ITS ENCLOSED ENVIRONMENT AND TORE THROUGH THE WOMAN'S CLOTHES, TAKING HER FOR A SURPRISE RIDE ON THE ZIMMER MINESHAFT DRILL. THE SHOCK AND AWE CAUSE BY MY MASSIVE MEMBER RENDERED THE REST OF THE RESCUERS UNABLE TO HELP THE SURVIVORS. SEEING THE WIDE EYES OF THE MINERS IN FRONT OF ME, I LET LOOSE A LEGENDARY LANDMINE OF LIQUID MAN-LATHER, EXPLODING SO POWERFULLY IT LACERATED THE BODY CAVITY OF MY FEMALE COMPANION, MIXING WITH HER BLOOD LIKE A STRAWBERRY CREAMSLUSH AS IT FILLED THE CAVERNOUS MINE AS IF IT WERE A GIGANTIC UTERUS. ONLY ONE OF THE MINERS HAD STRENGTH ENOUGH TO STAY ABOVE THE RISING WAVES OF MY CAVE CHOWDER, SWIMMING TO THE SURFACE WITH ME, THE OTHER RESCUERS, AND MY IMPALED COMPANION. I'M NOT SURE HOW HE SURVIVED, BUT I'LL FINISH HIM OFF WHEN I MAKE MY ROUNDS WITH THE NURSES TONIGHT. I GUARANTEE IT.

Miniskirt

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE. ONE FINE DAY AS I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET I SPIED A WOMAN IN A MINISKIRT THAT WAS BENDING DOWN TO GET A NEWSPAPER. AS SHE DID I HAD A PERFECT ANGLE AT THOSE ROUND, WHITE, BEAUTIFUL, DAZZLING, FIRM ASS CHEEKS. IT WAS AT ABOUT THIS POINT THAT WHAT ONCE WAS A FLACCID APPENDAGE BETWIXT MY LEGS BECAME A QUIVERING YET RIGID BATON GENERATING ENOUGH HEAT THAT THE GRASS AROUND ME TURNED BROWN AND BURST INTO FLAMES. THE CHEAP VINYL PANELING MELTED ONTO ITSELF LIKE A 3RD DEGREE BURN. BEFORE SHE COULD GET AWAY I RAMMED MY SHILLELAGH INTO UNDULATING, PULSATING, CUNT ONLY FOR HER TO SPRAY MY CUDGEL DOWN WITH GALLONS OF HER GOODY-GOODY-PUSSY-GOO. WHEN IT WAS MY TURN TO SHOOT THE SHERBERT I THREW HER TO THE GROUND AND CAME ON HER BACK SO HARD IT SLID HER TWENTY FEET DOWN THE SIDEWALK AND WITH SUCH A VELOCITY THAT IT HAD THE EFFECT OF SANDBLASTING THE CONCRETE CLEAN OF DOGSHIT AND BUBBLE GUM. THE SCENT OF IT COULD BE SMELLED FOUR BLOCKS AWAY AND ANYONE WHO INHALED WAS INSTANTLY CURED OF ANY SINUS INFECTIONS THEY HAD. I GUARANTEE IT.

Oh Holy Night

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, OWNER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE - HEY PENCILDICK, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU MADE A WOMAN SING WHILE YOU THRUST YOUR SORRY EXCUSE FOR A WARRIOR'S GREATSWORD INTO HER GAPING MAW? I RECALL ONE OF THOSE TIMES I CAME ACROSS ONE OF YOUR LAME EXCUSES OF A LOVE AFFAIR, ONLY TO DRAG HER TO A MOTEL SIX AND GIVE HER A RIDE ON MY INTENSELY MEATY MUSHROOM. SHE WAS SO ESTATIC, SHE STARTED SINGING, "OH HOLY NIGHT," ONLY SHE NEVER GOT TO HOLY. I GUARANTEE IT.

Policewoman

HELLO, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND C.E.O. OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. AS BEFITS ANY MAN OF MY SENSATIONALLY STUPENDOUS STATURE, I HAVE HAD MY SHARE OF BRUSHES WITH THE LAW. I RECALL ONE AUSPICIOUS AUTUMN AFTERNOON I WAS LEAVING THE SCENE OF YET ANOTHER OF MY RIDICULOUSLY RAPTUROUS RAPE RUNS AT THE LOCAL CONVENT WHEN I WAS ACCOSTED BY A POSITIVELY PULSE-POUNDINGLY PRECOCIOUS POLICEWOMAN. ONE LOOK AT THE BUSTY BADGE-BRANDISHING BEAUTY HAD MY CONSUMMATELY COLLOSAL CROTCH CANNON THUMPING AGAINST MY PANT LEG FOR RELEASE. A TWITCH OF THE WRIST, AND MY MONSTROUSLY MIGHTY, MAGESTICALLY MANED LOIN LION ROARED FORTH AND DROVE DEEP PAST THE LUSCIOUSLY LASCIVIOUS LAW-LADY'S LABIA. AS SHE SQUIRMED AND SWAYED AT THE SOUL-SPEARING SENSATION THAT IS THE SPIRITUAL SEXPERIENCE OF ZIMMER, MY SOFA-SIZED SWEATY SEXUAL SWASHBUCKLER SPOUTED A SINFULLY SUCCULENT SPRAY OF SENSATIONALLY SLOPPY, SWEET-SMELLING SPERM SAUCE. I'VE NEVER PAID A PARKING TICKET SINCE. I GUARANTEE IT.

RELIGIOUS AWESOME

HI, I’M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN’S WAREHOUSE. YOUR MOTHER MAY HAVE BEEN BLESSED MORE TIMES BY THE SACRED WHITE RIVER OF MY PELVIC PALADIN, BUT THAT IS NO REASON TO GIVE ME THE GREEN EYE OF JEALOUSY, MY COCK-LOVING CAVALIER. BETWEEN US, TONIGHT WILL BE RELIGIOUS RAPTURE, FOR YOUR ANAL CLEFT SHALL BE MY GREAT SEA, AND I SHALL BE ITS MOSES, CLEAVING ITS MIGHTY CHOCOLATE OCEAN TO MAKE WAY FOR THE SAFE PASSAGE OF MY TESTICULAR TRIBE, HAVING BEEN GRANTED MEPHITIC FREEDOM FROM THE TYRANNY OF ENSLAVEMENT BEHIND A LOCKED PROSTATE. TO DO THIS, I WILL READY MY LONGINUS TO PIERCE YOUR BACKSIDE’S SACRED DOMAIN — YOU WILL SCREAM FIRST IN PAIN, THEN IN PASSION AS ITS STEEL-LADEN GIRTH STRETCHES AND RIPS THE FABRIC OF YOUR MORTAL INNARDS, DISIMBUING YOU OF YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS, LEADING YOU TO A HEAVEN, THEN REVIVING YOUR FEELING OF PHYSICAL REALITY LIKE A ONCE-CRUCIFIED JESUS RETURNING TO EARTH. I GUARANTEE IT.

Revenge

HI I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE. THE OTHER NIGHT I TRACKED DOWN THE UPPITY BITCH WHO DREW THIS PICTURE AND I PROCEEDED TO FREE WILLY ALL OVER HER FACE. I SPACKLED HER FACE WITH MY SALTY MAN YOGURT, MAKING SURE TO COVER EVERY INCH OF HER SELF-RIGHTEOUS MUG. I GUESS SHE LEARNED HER LESSON BECAUSE SHE CAME BACK BEGGING FOR MORE. I GUARANTEE IT.

School Days

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF MEN'S WAREHOUSE. BACK WHEN I WAS A FRESHMAN IN MY DAY, ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL I RAPED 3 YOUNG COYOTE PUPS AND RAVAGED AN ENTIRE GROUP CHEERLEADERS. AND WHEN I WAS FINISHED WITH MY MARVELOUS RAPE RAMPAGE, MY MASSIVE MALICIOUS MOLESTATION MANDABLE UNLEASED A TORRENT OF MY SLIMY STICKY ZIMMER BABY GOO. NO ONE AT THAT SCHOOL HAS BEATEN MY RECORD SINCE, I GUARANTEE IT.

Sex with Zimmer

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MENS WAREHOUSE. RECENTLY, I WAS APPROACHED BY QUITE A LUCIOUS LOOKING LADY PERSON. HER BINDING BUST FIGURE IMMEDIATLY FORCED MY TWITCHING GARGANTUAN MAN CANNON TO RAPIDLY EXPAND TO DIVINE ELEPHANTINE DIMENSIONS. THE LADY IN QUESTION, WHO'S BEAUTY WAS ONLY MATCHED BY THAT OF MY COLLOSSAL DOWNSTAIRS DOWEL, WAS ASTOUNDED AND THUS PROCEEDED TO STARE INTENTLY AT MY INTENSIFYINGLY TITANTIC LUST LOG OF INFINITE SEXUAL DESIRE AS IT OBILTERATED MY FINE UNDERWEAR AND TROUSERS CUNNINGLY CONSTRUCTED BY MY DIGNIFIED CHAIN OF RETAILERS. SHE WAS SO FLABBERGASTED AT THE SHEER SIZE AND GRANDEUR OF MY MAGNIFICENT AND IMPRESSIVE ZIMMER BATON THAT I UNDRESSED HER FINE SKIRT AND UNDERWEAR GARMENTS WITH MY PSYCOKINETIC EYES AND SLAMMED MY GIANT OMINOUS VEINY WHALE INTO THE CREVACE OF HER ORIFICE AND DISCHARGED AN ARMY OF MINITURE DAPPER ALBINO BOSNIANS TO COAT THE INSIDES OF HER ANAL CAVITY WITH ONLY THE FINEST SMELLING ZIMMER PROTEIN PACKED PENILE PRODUCE. ONCE I HAD FINISHED WITH THE PUPPYLIKE WHORE, I STAMPED MY NOW ALMOST FLACID STOPCOCK OF JOY AGAINST THE GROUND AND CHARGED INTO THE NIGHT SKY WITH THE ROCKET FUEL OF A THOUSAND GODS TO CONTINUE MY CRUSADES OF MEAT CLOBBERIN'. I GUARANTEE IT.

Sexcapades

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I COME BEARING YOU YET ANOTHER STORY OF SEXUAL ESCAPADES, TO BE FROM NOW ON KNOWN AS "SEXCAPADES" OF ME AND MY GOLDEN GARGANTUAN GASH GRINDER. THE STORY STARTS ABOUT THREE WEEKS TUESDAY AGO, I WAS CALMLY STROLLING THE CITY JUST OUTSIDE OF THE PARK, WHEN IN THE CORNER OF MY EYE I SAW A MOTHER BREAST FEEDING HER CHILD. NATURALLY WHEN I SEE A SIGHT I TURN THE OTHER CHEEK AND LET IT BE, BUT THIS, THIS WOMAN, I COULD NOT ALLOW THAT PRE-PLOWED PINK PLEASURE-HOLE TO BE TORTURED ANY LONGER, I FLEXED MY MIGHTY MAN MEAT MAULER SO IT'D RIP RIGHT THROUGH MY BRAND NEW SUIT PANTS AND AS MY TEN-TONNE TENTANOUS TORPEDO QUICKLY HASTENED TOWARDS HER BABY CANNON THERE WAS A BRIEF MOMENT OF SHOCK, AWE, FEAR, AND GRANDEUR. SHE HURLED THE BABY AWAY AND SPREAD WIDE HER LEGS FOR DOCKING, IT WAS MERE MINUTES BEFORE MY FLOPPING FLESH FLOUNDER LET LOOSE A GEYSER OF CONTINUOUS CORPULENT CHILD COCKTAIL. I THEN LEFT HER IN THE PARK COVERED, SHE STARTED SOBBING BECAUSE SHE KNOWS SO WELL SHE'LL NEVER GET THE EXPERIENCE AGAIN. I GUARANTEE IT.

Shit Zimmer

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, CEO AND FOUNDER OF MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I HAVE AN ENORMOUS PENIS AND I CONSISTENTLY HARASS YOUNG WOMEN WITH IT. I GUARANTEE IT.

Sister in the Alley

HI... I'M GEORGE ZIMMER - FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. A WEEK AND A HALF AGO IN AN ALLEY BEHIND HER WORKPLACE I THRUST MY INHUMANLY TURGID MEMBER INTO YOUR SISTER'S ANAL CAVITY. AS MY GARGANTUAN MEAT SPEAR PENETRATED HER BUTT PIPE SHE SCREAMED AND FAINTED, SMASHING HER FACE AGAINST THE HARD ASPHALT OF THE ALLEY. I FLIPPED HER OVER AND PULLED MY LOG OUT, TAKING CARE NOT TO GET BLOOD ON MY AMAZINGLY DAPPER SUIT AND THEN PROCEEDED TO FIRE MY JIZZ ROCKET ONTO HER GLASSES AND PUCKERED NIPPLES. PROMPTLY AFTER SHOVING HER IN THE TRUNK OF MY LEXUS I DROVE OFF INTO THE DARK NIGHT ONLY TO DROP HER OFF AT A REST STOP MOTEL WITH $1.50 IN CHANGE TO CALL A CAB. SHE ENDED UP TAKING A SUB HOME WHILE CALLING ME 6 TIMES ON MY CELL PHONE. WHEN I ANSWERED ALL I HEARD WAS WIMPERING AND A LOW MOAN. I GUARANTEE IT.

Spring

HI, I’M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN’S WEARHOUSE. THAT’S A CUTE STORY, ROBOT GEORGE ZIMMER. BUT I CAN BEST YOU. MY MORTAL MAN MAYONNAISE MAKERS AND MY FLESHY FEMALE FANTASY FULFILLER ARE MORE THAN A MATCH FOR ANY MERE TECHNOLOGICAL TOY. IT WAS SIX MONTHS AGO, AND SPRING HAD COME EARLY. THE LADIES WERE OUT IN FORCE, HUSTLING TO AND FROM THEIR JOBS, OR JUST HAVING FUN IN THE CRISP FEBRUARY AIR. UNTIL I ARRIVED IN NYC, HAVING FLOWN IN ON MY PRIVATE JET. AS ALWAYS HAPPENS AT AIRPORTS, I HAD A LINE OF FLIGHT ATTENDANTS A HUNDRED YARDS LONG, BEGGING FOR A CHANCE TO RIDE MY TANTALIZING TESTICLE TERRIER. MY IN-FLIGHT NAP, ONLY INTERRUPTED BY MY SEXY ONBOARD STEWARDESSES SURREPTITIOUSLY SNEAKING SENSUOUS CARESSES OF MY STUNNINGLY SEXY SUIT AND SEXUALLY SOOTHING SEMEN ASSAILANT, HAD LEFT ME PREPARED TO PLEASE ALL OF THEM. WITH A FLASH, I WAS INSIDE THE FIRST FLIGHT ATTENDANT, PUMMELING HER PASSAGES WITH PELVIC PROWESS AS SHE SCREAMED IN JOY, SHOCKING MANY ERRANT TRAVELERS AS THE MERE SOUND OF MY EROTIC PILLAGING BROUGHT THEM TO A MASSIVE SIMULTANEOUS ORGASM. THREE HOURS LATER, I STRODE OUT OF THE AIRPORT WITH A SMILE ON MY FACE, THE ONLY ONE STILL CONSCIOUS. AND MY SUIT WAS STILL IMMACULATE. I GUARANTEE IT.

Subway

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. MERE HOURS AGO, ON A SUBWAY RIDE HOME TO MY LAVISH PENTHOUSE APARTMENT, ON MY WAY BACK FROM THE WORLDS MOST VIRILE MAN COMPETITION, THERE SAT ACROSS FROM ME A WOMAN OF ADMIRABLE MAMARY PROPORTIONS. NATURALLY, MY IMMEDIATE REACTION WAS FOR MY DANGEROUS, DEVILISH, DAPPER DOWNSTAIRS DOWEL TO SWELL TO THE ROUGHLY THE SIZE OF A MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL BAT. BUT I DIGRESS. THE IMPORTANT PART OF MY TALE OF UNIMAGINABLE SEXUAL PROWESS WAS THUS:

A RATHER INNEBRIATED FELLOW BEGAN TO HARASS THE OTHER PATRONS UPON THE SUBWAY CAR WHOSE DIJMENSIONS WERE BEING NOW APPROACHED BY THAT OF MY TOWERING MEAT FOUNTAIN. HAVING NOT THE SAME AUDACITY AS I, THEY THOUGHT IT BEST TO LET THE MAN BE. AS HE MOVED FROM PROUDLY DISPLAYING HIS COMPARATIVELY INSIGNIFICANT PENILE PINKY TO THE OLDER WOMEN TO THE YOUNG, BOUNCY AND BOUNTIFUL BEAUTIFULLY BREASTED BROAD THAT HAD CAUSED THE MAMMOTH SWELLING OF MY SWEATY MALE-WHALE, I CLUTCHED TIGHTLY MY TROPHY FROM AFOREMENTIONED COMPETITION, AND KNEW IMMEDIATELY THE APPROPRIATE COURSE OF ACTION. THE LOOK THAT GRACED HIS WANDERING EYES AS MY PULSATING POWER PUMP RUSHED TO MEET HIS FACE WILL CAUSE ME RUMBLING LAUGHTER FOR MANY A YEAR. THE RESULTIMG AROMA OF GIN AND TESTOSTERONE THAT LINGERED IN THE AIR WAS INVIGORATING. I THEN SPOKE IN A DIALECT OF MANDARIN CHINESE IN A FREQUENCY THAT ONLY ELEPHANTS CAN HEAR A WARNING TO THIS MAN THAT THIS BEHVAIOR OF HIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. ALAS, IT FELL ON DEAF EARS, FOR HE HAD PASSED. THE FELLATIO SESSION THAT I HAD EARNED FROM THE MAGNIFICENTLY MILKY MAIDEN WAS INTERRUPTED BY THE GOINGS-ON OF THE NEAREST POLICE OFFICER. RATHER THAN GO THROUGH THE TEDIUM OF FILLING OUT TIRESOME REPORTS AND STATEMENTS, I WASHED HIM OUT OF THE TRAIN AND UP THE STAIRS TO THE STREET WITH A BATH OF ONLY THE FINEST PROTEIN PACKED PUBIC PUDDING THAT I COULD MUSTER. I GUARANTEE IT.

Super Smash Bros Melee

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, CEO AND FOUNDER OF MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I AM THE GREATEST SMASH PLAYER THIS WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN. I WILL CONQUER THE SINNERS THAT SURREPTITIOUSLY STOLE THE TITLE OF THE "BEST". THE FIRST CONQUEST WILL BE KOREAN DJ, A BETRAYER OF HIS BLOOD. HIS RACE SHOULD STAVE OFF THE SUPERLATIVE URGE TO SUCCEED AT SMASH AND SURRENDER THEIR STALWART SKILL TO THE SCI-FI SINGLE, STARCRAFT. I WILL NOT TOLERATE THE TARES OF HIS TELOS AND TURN HIM TOTALLY USING MY TORRID TIGRESS-TICKLER. THE SECOND CONQUEST WILL BE MEW2KING, THE USURPER OF THE THRONE. HIS HORRIBLE HUBRIS WILL HEAR HORROR AS I SHOW HIM TO THE HOUNDS OF HADES, FOR I AM OF THE REAL ROYAL LINE OF MEWTWO, MY RETICENT READER. MY THIRD CONQUEST WILL BE THE PANDERER CHU DAT. FOR HIM TO GAIN SUCH SKILL AND STAY SEXY, HE MUST HAVE SORDIDLY SOLD HIS SOUL TO A SUCCUBI. HIS CHERUBIC, CHILDLIKE CLIMBERS WILL CHOKE ON MY CHORIZO AS I CHORTLE AT HIS CHAGRIN. MY FINAL CONQUEST WILL BE PC CHRIS, THE DECEIVER. PC DOES NOT STAND FOR THE PUBLICLY ACCEPTED "POLITICALLY CORRECT" OR "PERSONAL COMPUTER", LEADING LOVING LOOKERS OF SMASH TO BELLIGERENTLY BELIEVE THAT PC CHRIS IS EITHER MILD-MANNERED OR TECH-SAVVY, OF WHICH HE IS NEITHER. I WILL FELL HIS FLAGRANT FAST-FALLING FELONIES WITH MY FLUCTUATING FORGER OF FERVENT FEMININE FEELINGS. WHAT KINGLY CHARACTER DO I MASQUERADE AS, YOU ASK? WHY NONE OTHER THAN THE LASCIVIOUS LORD OF LICENTIOUSNESS, LUIGI. HIS TITANIC TESTICULAR TYRANNY IS SHOWN BY HIS SHFFGDGF (short hop fast fall gravity-defying green fireball). GREAT ENOUGH IS HIS GREGARIOUSNESS THAT HE GATHERS GLEEFUL GAWKERS SO THAT THEY MAY BE BEFUDDLED BY MY BALL-BUSTING BARRAGE. ALSO, THE SPACE ANIMALS ARE FAGGOTS. I GUARANTEE IT.

Thread on Smashboards: http://smashboards.com/showthread.php?t=112857

Sweet Zimmer

hello there. my name is george. what's that? oh. zimmer. george zimmer. well this morning i woke up and had a bowl of mueselix. it was a little bland. then i went to work and... hm?... oh, the men's wearhouse. no, i'm actually the CEO. yeah. and i .. what's that? oh no, i actually founded it, i'm not anyone's successor. anyway, work was rough today. i found out that 2 of my stores on the west coast are actually closing down due to competition with K&G. and after i was finished dealing with that, i went to an out of the way bar i don't usually frequent and i ... i saw my wife. with another man. i was really upset so i followed them, and ... well, eventually i saw them... i saw them making love. ..... no, it's okay. i just loved her so much. i couldn't believe she'd do that to me. god, what a day. and the whole time, she kept yelling at him 'you're so big, you're so big'. i was so embarassed. i don't know what i'm going to do. i haven't even confronted her yet. i mean, i think that's what she said. i'm kind of sure of it....

THE MEMO AND YOUR SISTER

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I RECEIVED YOUR MEMO CONCERNING LAST WEEKS LUNCHEON, AND I MUST SAY I REALLY ENJOYED MYSELF. YOUR SISTER, WHO APPARENTLY DECIDED TO ATTEND THE PARTY WEARING A STUNNING SILK DRESS, GAVE MY GARGANTUAL ENORMOUS PULSATING COLUMN OF FLESH NO OTHER CHOICE BUT TO EXTEND AND ERECT TO ITS FULL POTENTIAL, THE SIZE OF WHICH I CAN HARDLY EXPRESS IN WORDS. AT THE SIGHT OF MY IMMENSE MEAT HAMMER, I FOUND YOUR SISTER BEGGING AND MOANING, ON HER KNEES, FOR JUST ONE TASTE OF MY ZIMMER SPECIAL. THE RESULT WAS INEVITABLE; YOUR SISTER WAS INSTANTLY BLOWN ACROSS THE ROOM AS MY COLOSSAL HOSE EXPLODED IN A TORRENT OF MY DNA PUDDING. IT TOOK HER 2 HOURS TO REMOVE THE THICK LAYER OF MY SPECIAL NUT BATTER FROM HER FACE, AND EVEN THOUGH I STRONGLY DISCOURAGED IT, SHE DECIDED TO CONSUME THE ENTIRE QUANTITY OF MY HE-SALSA, THE VOLUME OF WHICH COULD EASILY FILL A INDUSTRIAL SIZED FUEL TANK. I GUARANTEE IT.

The Fresh Zimmer of Bel Air

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE

NOW THIS IS THE STORY ALL ABOUT HOW EVERY PERSON IN THIS WORLD CAN’T RESIST MY PLOW AND I’D LIKE TO TAKE A MINUTE TO TALK ABOUT MY KIT YOU’LL LIKE THE WAY IT LOOKS…I GUARANTEE IT

IN NEW YORK CITY, BORN AND RAISED POLISHING MY PISTOL’S HOW I SPENT MY DAYS FINGERING, TINKERING, TOUCHING UP MY TOOL CLEANING IT AND MAKING ALL THE LOVELY LADIES DROOL WHEN SUPERMAN FELL FROM THE SKIES ABOVE, SAID, “I CAN PWN YOUR PURPLE-HELMETED WARRIOR OF LOVE”. SO I GAVE HIM A TASTE OF MY PILE-DRIVING PLEXUS AND REALIZED, “I SHOULD MAKE MEN’S SUITS IN TEXAS”.

I HAILED FOR A CAB AND WHEN IT CAME NEAR IT HAD A STICKER THAT SAID “OBJECTS SMALLER IN MIRROR”. SAID I TO THE CABBIE “I CAN PROVE THAT WRONG!” SO I SHOWED THE GOOD SIR MY SIZEABLE SCHLONG IT VERILY WAS A SIGHT THAT HE JUST COULDN’T QUIT AND THAT’S WHEN I FIRST PROCLAIMED, “I GUARANTEE IT!”

I PULLED UP TO MY MANSION WITH A TRUCK OF WOMEN AND GAVE THEM ALL A TASTE OF MY OMNIPOTENT SEMEN LOOKED AT MY KINGDOM AND KNEW I WOULD FIT AND THAT’S HOW I CAME TO SAY, “I GUARANTEE IT”.

The Fresh Zimmer of Bel Air II

NOW THIS IS THE STORY ALL ABOUT WHEN

I GOT MY FIRST WOMAN AT THE AGE OF TEN

IF YOU'D LIKE TO GET SOME TISSUES YOU CAN FAP RIGHT NOW

I'LL TELL YOU HOW I, GEORGE ZIMMER, GOT SUCH A MASSIVE PLOW

WALKING DOWN THE STREET I WAS YOUNG AND FIT

MY YOGURT DRILL WAS MASSIVE, I GUARANTEE IT

HANGING OUT, RELAXING AND DRAGGING ON THE GROUND

MY SNAKE OF WONDER SEEMED TO WANT SOMETHING TO POUND

WHEN AN 8 YEAR OLD GIRL CAME RIGHT DOWN THE STREET

I LOOKED AT HER AND BEGAN TO GROW TO OVER 9000 FEET

I KNOCKED DOWN ONE LITTLE PLANE AND THE GIRL GOT AFRAID,

AND SAID "THAT'S BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ENTIRE /B/LOCKADE!"

I AIMED MY U-BOAT TOWARD HER AND AND WHEN IT CAME NEAR

SHE LET OUT A SCREAM OF PREPUBESCENT FEAR

IF ANYTHING AT ALL I WISHED THAT THIS GIRL WAS BARE,

BUT I THOUGHT "NAH, FORGET IT- HER CLOTHES WILL JUST TEAR!"

I PULLED UP HER TO CROTCH AND BROKE THROUGH THE GATE

AND I RAMMED HER WITH A PHALLUS THE SIZE OF KUWAIT

I LOOKED DOWN AND SAW A CASCADE OF MY MILKY MOLTEN TRANSMIT,

AND I GOT AN 8 YEAR OLD PREGNANT, I GUARANTEE IT.

The Raven

HI, I’M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN’S WEARHOUSE.

ONCE UPON A MIDNIGHT DREARY, WHILE I PONDERED WEAK AND WEARY OVER MANY A QUAINT AND CURIOUS 4CHAN MOD'S WHORISH MOTHER WHILE I NODDED, NEARLY NAPPING, SUDDENLY THERE CAME A TAPPING AT MY FANTASTIC FERTILITY FRANKFURTER "TIS SOME WHORE," I MUTTERED, "RAPPING AT MY VEINY VENEREAL VIENNA WIENERSCHNITZEL. ONLY THIS AND NOTHING MORE."

AH, DISTINCTLY I REMEMBER, IT WAS IN THE BLEAK DECEMBER, AND CHILL HAD WITHERED MY OPULENT ORAL OPIATE UPON THE FLOOR. WITH A BLINK I LOOKED AND SHUDDERED, MY FOOT IN VIEW MY SIGHT UNCLUTTERED I SIGHED AND BEGAN TO VISUALLY EXPLORE THE AREA AROUND MY COMPUTER. AND I DISCOVERED SOMETHING MORE.

THE FOOT I SAW BELONGED TO ANOTHER, A VIXEN BORN OF SOMETHING OTHER THIS WAS NO 4CHANNER’S WHORISH MOTHER, BUT A VISION OF LUST AND ANAL PLUNDER A MIGHTY AMAZON, CLOTHES TORN ASUNDER AND PANTING MIGHTILY AT MY APPARENT FUROR HAVING SEEN MY LANGUID LADIES LUXURY LOVELINER AND NOTHING MORE.

MY NEED AWAKENED AS MY COMPUTER DESK WEAKENED AND CRACKED BENEATH MY BEWITCHING BEEF BICYCLE MUCH TO THE DELIGHT OF THIS WOMAN, CHRISTENED LENORE. I STOOD WITH DIFFICULTY IN THE WRECKAGE AND OFFERED TO MY LADY A PACKAGE A NIGHT OF UNENDING UNSTOPPABLE UNDULATING AND NOTHING MORE. WITH A NOD AND SAUCY GRIN THE PRINCESS OF THIS TALE BEGAN TO SLIDE THE TIP OF HEAVEN IN AND WHILE I OFFERED TO BE GENTLE, YOURS TRULY ISN’T SENTIMENTAL AND SO I RAMMED HER WITH MY FORCE DU JOUR-- A CARNAL CORINTHIAN COLUMN FORMED OF LUST AND WHORE. SHE CRIED IN ECSTASY, THEN WRITHED STILL MORE.

I REAMED HER ONCE INSIDE MY STUDY, AND THEN I BROUGHT HER TO A BEDROOM, WHERE I DELIGHTED HER WITH MY MIGHTY MAN MUSHROOM GALLANTLY GALLOPING THROUGH HER MUDDY ROAD TO BRING HER ORGASMS OF MAGNITUDE UNDISCOVERED AS SHE BEGGED FOR NOTHING BUT “MORE! MORE!”

AND SO WHEN MORNING ARRIVED AND ALTHOUGH SHE WAS FLUSTERED I ADDED AN ICING OF MY MAGNIFICENT MAN MUSTARD AND SHE SCREAMED MY NAME FOR NEARLY AN HOUR AS PASSIONS RAGED IN HER DELICATE FLOWER. SHE ASKED ME FOR MY NUMBER, AND PROMPTED ME TO GIVE IT. SO I TOLD HER TO VISIT THE MEN’S WEARHOUSE IN TUKTUT NUGAIT. “BABY, I’LL BE THERE,” I SAID, “I GUARANTEE IT.”

SIX MONTHS LATER, I SOLD HER FROZEN CORPSE TO THE CHINESE AS AN AUTHENTIC PRESERVED NATIVE AMERICAN. I GUARANTEE IT.

The Real Deal

HI I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MENS WEARHOUSE. I HAVE BECOME AWARE THAT YOU /B/TARDS HAVE BEEN SOILING MY GRACIOUS NAME ON THE INTERNET AND ATTEMPTING TO TARNISH MY STREET REP WITH YOUR FALSITIES AND ACCUSSATIONS THAT I AM NOT THE REAL DEAL. CLEARLY THERE IS SOME CONFUSION HERE. YOU /B/TARDS TREAD DANGEROUS GROUND IN YOUR ATTEMPT TO DECLARE ME AND MY GARGANTUAN GRAVY GEYSER A FRAUD. CLEARLY, YOU ARE VICTIM OF YOUR OWN RUSE HERE, CHARLATANS. MY THROAT RENDING MAN-TRUNCHEON WILL HEAR NO MORE OF YOUR LIES. ONE COULD CALL YOUR ACTIONS HERE HERESY, BECAUSE AS ANY /B/TARD KNOWS, MY ASS SHATTERING MAN SHUTTLE RIVALS, NO, SURPASSES THE MIGHT OF THE GODS THEMSELVES. JESUS DID NOT DIE BY CRUCIFIXION, HE WAS DRIVEN UNDER BY AN ONSLAUGHT OF MY SUFFOCATING SACK SAUCE. SO DRAW YOUR WEAPONS AND MAKE YOURSELF HEARD, AND PREPARE YOURSELF TO PERISH IN THE CHAOS OF A MANCANO ERUPTION THAT KNOWS NO EQUAL. I GUARANTEE IT.

The Real Zimmer

Good afternoon, citizens. My name is George B. Zimmer, and I am the founder and also the CEO of a building that sells men's clothing. As you all know, my abnormally large genitalia gives me gigantic urges to perform the act of intercourse on almost any person in my vicinity. I am here to say that these stories are rather exaggerating, and I will give you an example of my real life.

One day, in the office, a friend of mine ran up, and bounded through the door. This scared me unexpectedly, and unfortunately my coffee fell onto the leg of my pants. Slightly infuriated, I questioned her jubilant behavior. She replied that she had found out she had another life form in her body. It was a wonderful moment for her. I give you my word on what I have recently stated. Later on in the day, I had the sudden urge to urinate. After finding the urinal in the men's bathroom, I sighed, disapprovingly staring at the rather small size of my genitals. I had wished it would be something like the stories I was famous about. I went back to my house, disappointed and depressed as usual. My wife greeted me with a smile, to which I ignored. I headed straight for our recreation room and found the gun cabinet. Aiming the gun to my head, I stopped to see my wife burst through the door. It surprised me so much that I missed my head, and fired a bullet into my lover's brain. HeR hEaD eXPLoded into a burst oF BLOODY CONFETTI, WHICH MIRACULOUSLY BROUGHT MY INDUSTRIAL-SIZED FIRE HYDRANT BACK TO LIFE. SPRINGING THROUGH THE RECREATION ROOM, I GREETED HER OPEN AND WHEEZING THROATHOLE WITH MY HUMONGOUS HUMAN HAMMER. THRUSTING WITH ALL MY MIGHT, I PUSHED BLOOD, SHIT, AND ORGANS THROUGH HER ASS AS THE HEAD OF MY IRRESISTIBLE RIFLE OF JUSTICE RUBBED AGAINST THE BASEMENT OF OUR HOME. I TOOK MY MOLECULAR MAN CANNON OUT OF HER THROAT, AND BEGAN TO FUCK THE PARTLY-INTACT SKULL ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM. THE BLOOD AND CONVULSING BRAIN BITS CAUSED MY PRODIGY MAKER TO EXPLODE INTO A FOUNTAIN OF MY SPECIAL RANCH DRESSING. I GUARANTEE IT.

The Real Zimmer Part II

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF MEN'S WAREHOUSE. CHICKENSHITS THAT TRY TO GUARANTEE ON SHIT THAT I DIDN'T APPROVE SHOULD SUCK MY GUSHING FLAMESPEAR OF JUSTICE AND VENGEANCE. AS FOR THAT SHIT, I SAY THAT EVEN THE LAST INBRED TARD WHO'D FIND HIMSELF ON A LONELY ISLAND IMPRISONED IN A CAGE MADE OF SAUSAGES AND CALCIUM AND TORTURED BY PURE AIR WOULDN'T FAP TO IT. UNLESS IT'S FCHAN. I GUARANTEE IT.

The Real Zimmer Again

HI, I'M THE REAL GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. WHILE THAT LAST POST WAS UNDOUBTEDLY WELL-WRITTEN, IT LACKED THE FINER ELEMENTS OF STYLE THAT MAKE MY DELICIOUS ANAL PILLAGINGS SO ENJOYABLE. JUST THE SIGHT OF MY RAKISH COUNTENANCE CAN SEND WOMEN INTO EXPLOSIVE, MIND-NUMBING FITS OF ORGASM LONG BEFORE I PULL OUT MY MAJESTIC PLEASURE PISTON AND RAM IT DOWN THEIR GASPING THROATS. IN JUST A FEW MINUTES THEY'VE GOT A BELLYFUL OF STEAMING-HOT MAN SHAKE AND I'M OFF TO POST IN /B/, WHERE MY PRESENCE IS ALWAYS WELCOME. I GUARANTEE IT.

The Supermarket

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE. YESTERDAY I WAS STROLLING IN THE SUPERMARKET WHEN A FLIRTATIOUSLY FUCKABLE FEMALE CAUGHT A GLIMPSE OF THE BURLY BULGE IN MY BOXERS. AS SHE INTRODUCED HERSELF I ALREADY HAD HER HEAVENLY HOMOLOGOUS HIPS PINNED TO THE WALL WITH MY LIMBER LOCOMOTIVE OF LIBIDO. SHE MOANED WHILE MY SUMPTUOUS SEXY SERPENTINE SEMEN-SYRINGE VICIOUSLY VIOLATED HER VAGINA AFTER ASSAULTING AN ARRAY OF HER ORIFICES. WHEN I RETIRED FROM RAVAGING HER RAVENOUS RAVINES OF REPRODUCTION I PUMPED PINT AFTER PINT OF PALE PENIS-PUDDING DEEP INSIDE HER CAVERNOUS CUM-CRATER. SHE CAME SO HARD, THE STORE IS STILL FULL OF WET FLOOR SIGNS. I GUARANTEE IT.

Three Pieced Suit

GREETINGS AND SALUTATIONS STOP MY NAME IS MR ZIMMER STOP I'M HERE TODAY TO TELL YOU ABOUT STOP MY BRAND NEW "THREE - PIECED SUIT" STOP WHICH I WORE WHILST COVERING YOUR STOP WIVES IN GRAVY FROM MY COPACETIC MAN-CANNON STOP I MAY NOT BE AN APOTHECARY STOP BUT THEY TOOK TO MY MANLY MARMALADE LIKE STOP YOUR GRANDMOTHER TO CAPT. SHMALL'S DENTURE PASTE STOP

FROM ME TO YOU, IT'S GUARANTEED STOP

Tokyo

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ON A RECENT BUSINESS TRIP TO TOKYO, I FOUND MYSELF IN A VIDEO ARCADE, WHERE ONE OF THE LOCAL TEENAGE BOYS WAS ATTEMPTING TO MAKE UP FOR HIS UNFATHOMABLY TINY TWAT TACKLE BY PLAYING "DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION" IN FRONT OF A GROUP OF JIGGLY-CHESTED JAPANESE JAILBAIT. SCOFFING AT HIS SCANDALOUSLY SIMPLISTIC SKILLS, I PROCEDED TO LIBERATE MY TWITCHING TESTICULAR TRUNCHEON AND SWING ITS PRECIPITOUS POUNDAGE INTO THE YOUTH'S FACE, CRUSHING HIS SKULL AND FREEING THE MACHINE. I THEN ACHIEVED A RATING OF "AAA" ON THE SONG "MAX 300" USING ONLY THE RAPID RIPPLING OF MY RAUCOUSLY RIGID RAPEROD. NEEDLESS TO SAY, THE WET-PANTIED WOMANLY WATCHERS WERE ALREADY IN THE THROES OF PASSION FROM THE OVERPOWERING SCENT OF MY TORPID TESTOSTERONE TUBE, SO I LET THEM GATHER 'ROUND FOR A GROUP HUG OF THE GARGANTUAN GIRTH OF MY GORGEOUS GUY-GIRDER BEFORE CONQUERING EACH OF THEIR QUIXOTICALLY QUIVERING QUIMS WITH A FURIOUS FOUNTAIN OF FROTHING FUCK-FOAM. MY HIGH SCORE HAS NEVER BEEN BEATEN. I GUARANTEE IT.

Twenty-sided Dice

HI, I’M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN’S WEARHOUSE. MAGIC? I’LL BET THE LAST TIME YOU GOT ANYWHERE NEAR MAGIC IN BED YOU WERE SHOVING TWENTY-SIDED DICE UP YOUR ASS WHILE YOU JERKED YOUR TINY WAND TO YOUR MAGIC: THE GATHERING DECK. SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOU NEED A MEGA-DOSE OF ZIMMER-BRAND MASCULINITY. I’LL COVER YOUR HAPLESS, EFFEMINATE FORM IN A THREE FOOT DEEP LAYER OF WHITE-HOT BABY BROTH FROM MY IMMINENTLY IMPRESSIVE ZIMMER PLEASURE PYTHON. YOU’LL BEG ME FOR A SECOND COMING, AND I’LL OBLIGE YOU, PUMMELING YOU IN EVERY ORIFICE. YOU’LL AWAKEN IN THE HOSPITAL, YOUR TEETH BROKEN OFF AT THE GUM LINE AND WITH SEVERE BLOOD LOSS FROM YOUR ANUS. BUT YOU’LL STILL CALL ME TO BEG FOR MORE. I GUARANTEE IT.

Verbose Zimmer

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND C.E.O. OF MEN'S WEARHOUSE. WHILE MY MASSIVE MENTAL FACULTIES ARE ADVANCED FAR BEYOND THE SILLY AND SUPERSTITIOUS SPIRITUALITY SPOUTED SENSELESSLY IN SUNDAY SERMONS, ALL BUSINESSMEN KNOW THE ADVANTAGES OF KEEPING UP A PIOUS PUBLIC PERSONNA. IT WAS WITH THIS IN MIND THAT I RECENTLY VISITED A LOCAL CHAPEL, THOUGH AS YOU WILL SOON LEARN, THINGS TOOK A TURN FOR THE TEMPTING, IN TYPICALLY TAWDRY, TITTILATING ZIMMER FASHION. ALL WAS PROCEDING ACCORDING TO PLAN UNTIL MY WANDERING GAZE FELL UPON THE ROUND, ROBED RELIGIOUS RUMP OF THE CHOIR DIRECTOR, A SEDUCTIVELY SLENDER SAINT SINGING SENSUOUSLY ON STAGE. DESPITE MY DILIGENT DESIRE TO DEMONSTRATE DEVOUT DEDICATION AND DERAIL MY DIRTIER DISPOSITIONS, MY MIRACULOUSLY MIGHTY MANMEAT MESSIAH BURST FORTH WITH A FLASH OF HEAVENLY LIGHT, RISING FROM ITS TROUSERY TOMB LIKE THE RESURRECTED CHRIST. THE ANGELIC AUBURN-HAIRED ARTISTE ARRESTED HER AURAL ADMINISTRATION AND RENT HER ROBES, BENDING BACKWARDS TO BARE HER BURNING BUSH. MY PERENNIALLY PASSIONATE PENILE POWERHOUSE PARTED HER PUBES LIKE MOSES BEFORE THE RED SEA. AS I BAPTISED THE BODACIOUSLY BUXOM BIBLE-BANGER BY SPEWING A SALACIOUSLY SINFUL SURGE OF SACREMENTAL SEMEN INTO HER HERETICALLY HOT HOLY OF HOLIES, SHE SANG NOTES ONLY AUDIBLE TO THE HIGHEST CHOIRS OF ANGELS. THE VIRGIN MARY'S BEEN PROPOSITIONING ME IN VISIONS EVER SINCE. I GUARANTEE IT.

Wannabes

HI I'M GEORGE ZIMMER FOUNDER AND CEO OF MEN'S WAREHOUSE. IF YOU LOW-LIFE WANNABE COCK PHEASANTS CONTINUE TO SHATTER MY GOOD NAME WITH HORRID AND TASTELESS ANECDOTES I WILL FORCE MY COLOSSAL SPERM-WHALE UP YOUR SHIT CHUTE SO FAR THAT YOUR ANCESTORS IN HEAVEN WILL HAVE THEIR TEETH KNOCKED OUT FROM BEHIND. AS MY HUGE SUPER CENTIPEDE GOES THROUGH YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS UP YOUR MOUTH AND INTO THE HEAVENS ABOVE. AS ALL THE ANGELS EXCLAIM AT THE COLASAL NATURE OF MY MAN WORM. ALL OF THEM TAKING PICTURES OF IT TO RECORD THE DAY THAT YOU SOILED THE NAME OF GOOD GEORGE ZIMMER! I GUARANTEE IT.

Yodeling Manseed Sprayer

HI, I’M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN’S WEARHOUSE. MY YODELING MANSEED-SPRAYER CAN KILL A YAK AT THIRTY PACES—WITH ONE SWING. IT’LL BE A COLD DAY IN HELL WHEN ANYONE ON /B/ CAN COMPLAIN ABOUT THE POWER CONTAINED IN MY FORTUNE 500 FETUS FACIALIST. I’LL TRACK YOU DOWN, WITHDRAW MY MISCHIEVOUS MAIDEN MANGLER FROM MY UNCONSCIONABLY SEXY SUIT AND WATCH IN SILENCE AS YOU BEG TO SUCKLE AT MY TERRIFYINGLY TANTALIZING TESTICLES. YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO RESIST ME AS I SATIATE MY RANDY RAPE ROD USING YOUR QUIVERING FLESH. I’LL LEAVE YOUR CORPSE FOR PASSERSBY TO FIND IT, NAKED AND DRIPPING WITH SEVERAL HELPINGS OF MY EXTRAORDINARILY EFFERVESCENT ESSENCE OUTSIDE THE LOCAL ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. THEN I’LL MOVE ON TO YOUR MOTHER. I GUARANTEE IT.

Your Mom

I HAVE A SIMILAR STORY TO SHARE WITH YOU CONCERNING YOUR MOTHER. IT HADN'T CROSSED MY MIND, BUT DURING YOUR ORIENTATION SESSION HERE AT MEN'S WEARHOUSE INC., YOUR MOTHER, WHO ALSO ATTENDED ALONG WITH YOU THAT VERY DAY, PASSED ME A NOTE, WHICH I DO NOT RECALL IN ITS ENTIRETY. SOMETHING ABOUT "I WILL GIVE YOU MY LIFE IN EXCHANGE FOR EXPERIENCING THAT WHICH EVERY MAN, WOMAN, AND CHILD ON THIS EARTH PRAYS EVERY DAY TO EXPERIENCE; GETTING FUCKED IN THE MOUTH BY YOUR THROBBING MASSIVE COLUMN OF FLESH". I COULD NOT DISCOURAGE THIS WOMAN, SO IN A FLASH, MY DAPPER TIGHT PANTS EXPLODED AS MY BEHEMOTH OF LOVE UNLEASHED ITSELF TOWARDS YOUR MOTHER'S GAPING UTERUS, WHICH SHE HAD SUBMITTED TO MY MEAT MISSILE THE MOMENT SHE REALIZED HER LIFE GOAL HAD BEEN REALIZED. I FEEL IT IS AN APPOPRIATE TIME NOW TO LET YOU KNOW THAT YOUR MOTHERS DEATH 5 YEARS AGO WAS NOT DUE TO A TERRORIST ATTACK DURING THE ORIENTATION PARTY, IN WHICH YOUR MOTHER WAS BLOWN APART BY AN RPG; RATHER THE SHEER SIZE OF MY THROBBING MAMMOTH-LIKE MISSILE WAS TOO MUCH FOR HER BODY TO SUPPORT, DESPITE HER ARGUABLY SIZEABLE ANUS. THAT, ALONG WITH THE SUBSEQUENT TORRENTIAL FLOOD WHICH INSTANTLY FILLED HER BODY WITH MY CREAMY MAN JUICE, AND WHICH THE SHEER VOLUME OF ITS CONTENT RESULTED IN THE GOOEY MATTER GUSHING OUT OF EVERY ORIFICE IN HER BODY. I GUARANTEE IT.

Your Mom, on a midsummer's eve

HI... I'M GEORGE ZIMMER - FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. CECIL, YOUR TECHNIQUES SUCKS WORSE THAN MONICA LEWINSKY HOPPED UP ON BILL CLINTON'S COCK ON A BAD DAY. I WOULD ADMIT THAT I PLUNGED MY IMMENSE PEVLIC REDWOOD INTO THOSE HOT, DRIPPING ORIFICES ANY DAY OF THE WEEK. SORT OF LIKE THE NIGHT I HAD WITH YOUR MOTHER ON A MIDSUMMER'S EVE. SHE WAS ASTOUNDED WHEN I WHIPPED OUT MY LUMBERING MAN-MEAT AND MADE MY WAY WITH HER WHILE I RECITED TO HER PORTIONS OF DANTE'S INFERNO IN LATIN. SHE SCREAMED SO LOUD, IT CAUSED THE NEIGHBORS TO ORGASM. I GUARANTEE IT.

Your Daughters

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. AS I WAS BROWSING THE MAJESTICALLY ANONYMOUSLY SHITPILE THAT IS /B/, I NOTICED THEY WERE GEARING UP FOR SOMETHING KNOWN AS THE ALL9S GET AND 10M GET. FIGURING THEY WERE NEARING SOME SORT OF WORLDWIDE INTERNET MILESTONE, I PROMPTLY BEGAN POSTING LEGENDARY COPY PASTA ABOUT MYSELF THROTTLING RANDOM FEMALES OF ALL AGES WITH MY MAMMOTH SPERM CANNON. OF COURSE, I REALIZED AT THAT TIME THAT IT WOULD TAKE BOTH GETS TO CONTAIN SUCH AWESOMENESS, SO I WENT BACK TO SIMULTANEOUSLY PELVIC PUMPING YOUR LASCIVIOUS LOLITA-NYMPHOMANIAC OF AN ELEVEN YEAR OLD DAUGHTER, OUT OF HER MOUTH AND INTO THE SLIPPERY WET LOVE TUNNEL OF YOUR OLDER, MORE DEVELOPED THIRTEEN YEAR OLD, ORGASMING THEM BOTH FAR BEYOND ANYTHING YOU AND YOUR NOW DEAD WIFE EVER EXPERIENCED TOGETHER. THEY WILL HAVE THE HONOR OF BEARING MY HEIRS FOR THE NEXT THIRTY YEARS. I GUARANTEE IT.

George Zimmer Spoofs

Commander Riker

HI, I'M WILLIAM T. RIKER, COMMANDER AND NUMBER ONE OF THE USS ENTERPRISE. I JUST SPENT THE LAST TWENTY MINUTES RUBBING SOME TERRIBLY TEMPTING TWEENS UNDEVELOPED TITS. WHILE I USUALLY HAVE TO STAVE OFF THE LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICERS AND FBI WITH QUICK SWIPES OF MY PULSATING PINK PHASER THERE ARE SOME SITUATIONS IN WHICH MY ACTIONS ARE DEEMED ACCEPTABLE. FOR EXAMPLE WHEN THE LITTLE LUSCIOUS LOLI IN QUESTION HAS A HACKING COUGH AND MY SISTER IS TOO BUSY RIDING MY RAVISHINGLY RIGID ROMULAN TO RUB HER HERSELF. SO I PROCEEDED TO RUB AN OINTMENT ALL OVER HER PALATABLE PECTORAL PROTRUSIONS WHILST SHE HAD MULTIPLE LOLIGASMS BEFORE FALLING SOUND ASLEEP. I FINISHED TAKING MY SISTER PAST WARP 10 ON MY TURGID TESTICULAR TORPEDO SHIP BEFORE YOU COULD SAY "THRESHOLD". COUNSELOR TROI AND I HAVE NOW ADOPTED THE YOUNG GIRL AND OUR CRIES OF PASSION CAN BE HEARD ALL AROUND THE GALAXY. I GUARANTEE IT.

DTD

HI, I'M DTD, FOUNDER AND CEO OF DTD INDUSTRIES. ONE DAY WHILE I WAS TALKING TO MY TALENTLESS LACKIES, SOME FAGGOT NAMED BISH DECIDED TO QUESTION MY AUTHORITY. IN A SPERM-INGESTING CAUSED DELUSION HE TRIED TO ESTABLISH HIMSELF AS THE ALPHA MALE OF MY PACK. HOWEVER, ME AND MY SPERM SPITTING SPICHTER SPLITTER WOULD HEAR NOTHING OF THIS. MY OUTRAGEOUS ORGASM ORGAN TREMBLED AS IT ROSE, STRUGGLING UNDER ITS OWN GREAT GIRTH. BEFORE IT COULD RAISE TO IT'S MAGNIFICENT HEIGHT, IT SPUTTERED AND FELL BACK TO THE EARTH SEVERAL TIMES, KNOCKING THE PLANET OFF OF ORBIT AND CREATING TREMORS THAT KNOCKED THE ONE WHO WOULD CHALLENGE ME TO THE GROUND. DECIDING HE WASN'T WORTH CALLING MY PENT-UP PLEASURE PENIS TO POWER, I LET IT FALL ON HIS SPUTTERING FORM. TO THIS DAY I HAVE YET TO LOOK UNDER MY DOLL-BUSTING DYKE BREAKER AND SEE WHAT BECAME OF HIM. I GUARANTEE IT.

George Onimusha

HAI, I AM GEORGE ONIMUSHA, FOUNDER AND RULER OF SHOGUNATE-ERA JAPAN. I STUFFED YOUR MOTHER-SAN'S HONORABLY TIGHT RICE PATTY WITH MY STUPENDOUSLY STOUT MAN-KATANA WHILE SHE WROTE DELICATE HAIKU POETRY ABOUT SUSHI. MY FUJI-LIKE WAKISHAZI PIERCED HER FINE SILK KIMONO AND POUNDED UPON HER INNARDS LIKE THE HOOVES OF A WARHORSE. SHE CAME SO HARD HER SCREAMS PIERCED PAPER WALLS IN EDO. I VOW UPON MY HONOR.

Greek Zimmer

ΧΑΛΑΖΙ, ΕΊΜΑΙ ΛΕΩΝΙΔΑΣ, ΙΔΡΥΤΗΣ ΚΑΙ ΒΑΣΙΛΕΥΣ ΤΗΣ ΣΠΑΡΤΗΣ. ΣΕ ΈΝΑ ΠΡΟΣΦΑΤΟ ΕΠΙΧΕΙΡΗΣΙΑΚΟ ΤΑΞΙΔΙ ΣΤΟ ΤΟΚΙΟ, ΒΡΕΘΗΚΑ ΣΕ ΈΝΑ ΤΗΛΕΟΠΤΙΚΟ ΠΑΡΚΟ, ΌΠΟΥ ΈΝΑΣ ΤΑ Ο ΤΟΠΙΚΌΣ ΕΦΗΒΙΚΌΣ ΑΓΌΡΙ ΕΊΜΑΙ ΠΡΟΣΠΑΘΏ ΝΑ ΑΠΟΖΗΜΙΏΝΩ ΕΞΟΠΛΙΣΜΌΣ ΑΠΙΣΤΕΥΤΑ ΤΟΝ ΜΙΚΡΟΣΚΟΠΙΚΌΣ ΚΟΛΠΟΣ ΤΟΥ ΜΕ ΤΟ ΠΑΊΖΩ «ΤΗΣ ΕΠΑΝΆΣΤΑΣΗ ΧΟΡΌΣ ΧΟΡΌΣ» ΜΠΡΟΣΤΑ ΑΠΌ ΜΙΑ ΟΜΑΔΑ ΑΘΩΩΝ ΙΑΠΩΝΙΚΩΝ ΚΟΡΙΤΣΙΩΝ. ΓΕΛΟΥΣΑ ΣΤΙΣ ΣΚΑΝΔΑΛΩΔΏΣ ΑΠΛΟΪΚΕΣ ΔΕΞΙΟΤΗΤΕΣ ΤΟΥ, ΑΠΕΛΕΥΘΕΡΩΣΑ ΤΟ ΓΙΓΑΝΤΙΑΙΟ ΑΓΆΠΗ-ΡΟΠΑΛΟ ΜΟΥ ΚΑΙ ΕΡΙΞΑ ΤΟΝ ΟΡΜΗΤΙΚΟ ΑΝΔΡΟΠΡΕΠΕΙΑ ΤΟΥ ΣΤΟ ΠΡΟΣΩΠΟ ΤΗΣ ΝΕΟΛΑΙΑΣ, ΣΥΝΤΡΙΒΗ ΤΟΥ ΚΡΑΝΙΟΥ ΤΟΥ. ΕΠΕΤΥΧΑ ΕΠΕΙΤΑ ΜΙΑ ΕΚΤΙΜΗΣΗ «ΑΑΑ» ΣΤΟ ΤΡΑΓΟΎΔΙ «ΑΝΏΤΑΤΑ 300» ΧΡΗΣΙΜΟΠΟΙΏΝΤΑΣ ΜΌΝΟ ΤΟ ΓΡΉΓΟΡΟ ΚΥΜΑΤΙΣΜΌ ΠΑΘΙΑΣΜΕΝΑ ΜΟΥ ΆΚΑΜΠΤΟ ΦΑΛΛΟΣ. ΟΙ ΥΓΡΟΙ ΓΥΝΑΙΚΕΙΟΙ ΠΑΡΑΤΗΡΗΤΕΣ ΗΤΑΝ ΗΔΗ ΣΤΗ ΜΕΣΗ ΤΟΥ ΠΑΘΟΥΣ ΑΠΟ ΤΗΝ ΕΞΟΥΔΕΤΕΡΩΣΗ SCENT ΤΟΥ ΣΩΛΉΝΑ ΤΕΣΤΟΣΤΕΡΌΝΗΣ ΜΟΥ, ΕΤΣΙ ΤΟΥΣ ΑΦΗΣΑ ΝΑ ΚΑΤΑΠΙΟΥΝ ΤΟ ΟΓΚΩΔΕΣ ΠΈΟΣ-ΚΡΕΑΣ ΜΟΥ ΚΑΙ ΤΟΥΣ ΕΠΝΙΞΑ ΣΤΟΝ ΦΎΛΟ-ΑΦΡΟ. ΑΥΤΟ ΕΓΓΥΩΜΑΙ.

[translation] HAIL, I AM LEONIDAS, FOUNDER AND KING OF SPARTA. IN A RECENT OPERATIONAL TRAVEL IN TOKYO, I FOUND ITSELF IN A TELEVISION PARK, WHERE A LOCAL ADOLESCENT BOY I AM I TRY TO COMPENSATE EQUIPMENT INCREDIBLY HIS MICROSCOPIC GULF WITH HIM I PLAY “HER REVOLUTION DANCE DANCE” FRONT FROM A TEAM PROVOCATIVE JAPANESE [EPIGAMA] GIRLS. LAUGHING IN HIS SCANDALOUSLY UNSOPHISTICATED DEXTERITIES, I RELEASED MY GIANT LOVE-CLUB AND THREW HIS IMPETUOUS VIRILITY IN THE PERSON OF YOUTH, CRASH OF HIS SKULL. I THEN ACHIEVED A ESTIMATE “[AAA]” IN SONG “MAXIMUM 300” USING ONLY THE FAST UNDULATION PASSIONATELY MY INFLEXIBLE PHALLUS. THE HUMID FEMININE OBSERVERS THEY WAS ALREADY IN THE MIDDLE OF PASSION FROM NEUTRALISATION SCENT OF MY PIPE OF TESTOSTERONE, THUS I LEFT TO THEM TO SWALLOW MY BULKY PENIS-MEAT AND THEM I DROWNED IN THE SEX-FOAM. THIS I GUARANTEE.

Jared

HI... I'M JARED FOGLE, EX FATTY AND SPOKESMAN OF SUBWAY®. THE OTHER DAY, WHILE CRUISING AROUND IN MY FOGLE MOBILE AND SHOWING OFF THIS SET OF GIGANTIC PANTS I CARRY AROUND, I STOPPED IN TO GRAB A NUTRITIONAL INFORMATION BROCHURE AT MY LOCAL SUBWAY® RESTAURANT AND FOLLOW A REDUCED CALORIE DIET BY EATING TWO SUBWAY® SUBMARINE SANDWICHES A DAY. IT WAS WHILE I WAS DOING THIS THAT I SPOTTED QUITE A DELICIOUS LOOKING LADY PERSON. HER SUCCULENT OVEN ROASTED BREAST AND SELECTION OF A SIX INCH HAM SUB WITH ONLY SIX GRAMS OF FAT INSTANTANEOUSLY FORCED MY SPASMING CHIPOTLE CHEESE STEAK TO HASTILY ENLARGE TO CELESTIAL PROPORTIONS. UPON APPROACHING THE DAME IN QUESTION, HER EYES WERE INSTANTLY DRAWN TO MY OMNIPOTENT FOGLE MISSILE AS IT BURST THROUGH MY FINELY CRAFTED SIZE 34 TROUSERS. WASTING NO TIME, I SWIFTLY DISROBED HER WITH MY PREHENSILE PELVIC PORPOISE AND SLAMMED MY VEINY LOIN BRONTOSAURUS INTO HER INSTINCTIVELY DRENCHED CHASM. I SCRUPULOUSLY DESECRATED EVERY INCH OF HER VIOLET CROTCH CAVERN WITH MY 6 FOOT MEATBALL SUB WHILE TEARING OFF THE FINE PRINT ON ALL THE NUTRITIONAL INFORMATION BROCHURES AND ORGANIZING APPEARANCES ON OPRAH AND LARRY KING LIVE. I UNLOADED A GEYSER OF 160,000* POUNDS OF FOGLE FLUID INTO HER RAVISHED CRATER WITH ENOUGH FORCE TO SEND HER FLYING HEADFIRST THROUGH A PANE OF PERSPEX AND INTO A TUB OF SHREDDED LETTUCE. SHE CAME SO HARD HER SCREAMS CURDLED THE MAYONNAISE. I GUARANTEE IT. *(TO GET AN IDEA OF HOW MUCH 160,000 POUNDS IS, IT IS EQUAL TO 14,545 SKATEBOARDS, 10,000 MARCHING BAND TUBAS, 1,568 SETS OF ENCYCLOPEDIAS, 492 BLACK BEARS, 426 GORILLAS, AND 184 GRAND PIANOS)

Linux Tarballs

HI I AM LINUX TARBALLS FOUNDER AND CEO OF LINUX ENTERPRISES. I HAVE 20 YEARS EXPERIENCE WRITING HUGE OSES AND I WROTE THEM ALL UPON EXITING THE MANHOLE OF MY MOTHER WITH GODSPEED. MY NOT YET DEVELOPED MANHOOD DEVELOPED IN AN INSTANT TO THE GIRTH AND LENGTH SO FAMILIAR TO THE WOMEN OF THE EARTH TODAY. UTILIZING IT I COMPILED A KERNEL AND MAULED MY MOTHER SENSELESS WITH POST HASTE. SHE GENTLY ASKED ME NOT TO GO BACK FROM WHERE I CAME AND I OBLIGED BY ONLY SHOVING MY MASSIVE MANHOOD UP HER UTERUS. STILL INEXPERIENCED, MY SYSTEM LOAD REACHED CRITICAL MASS AND A DATA PORT WAS OPENED WHICH THROUGH CAME A STREAM OF STICKY WHITE BYTES, COMPLETELY FILLING UP HER FLOPPY DRIVE. THIS WAS THE TIME BEFORE THERE WERE HUGE FUCKING HARDDRIVES SO I LET THE NEVERENDING ENTER HER MOLEHILL, KILLING GENERATIONS OF MOLES IN THE PROGRESS. HAVING EMPTIED MY VESSEL, I LET OUT A FIENDISH CRY AND STARTED SUCKING AND BITING HER NIPPLES, OUT CAME THE DRINK OF GODS. MY MOTHER BEING OF THE SAME FLESH AND BLOOD AS ME, DID NOT DISAPPOINT -- THE DIVINE FLOOD FILLED THE ENTIRE PLANET WITH ITS SWEET LIQUOR, I UNABLE TO DRINK IT ALL, SPENT FIVE MINUTES WRITING WINDOWS VISTA AND ITS PREQUELS WHILE WAITING FOR IT TO DRY AWAY. I DON'T HAVE TO GIVE ANY REASONS FOR MY ARGUMENTS, I GUARANTEE IT.

Napolean

HI, I'M NAPOLEON BONAPARTE, FOUNDER AND EMPEROR OF REVOLUTIONARY FRANCE. I KNOW YOU ALL THINK I'M SHORT, BUT THERE'S NOTHING SHORT ABOUT MY COLOSSAL CORSICAN CROTCH CANNON. AT THE BATTLE OF AUSTERLITZ I COURAGEOUSLY COCKSMACKED EMPEROR FRANZ WITH MY FANTASTIC FRENCH FUCKSTICK AND DROWNED HIS ARMY SINGLEHANDEDLY WITH SUPERFLUOUS SPURTS OF MY SALUBRIOUS SALTY SEMINAL SERUM. I OWE ALL MY SUCCESS TO MY BRUISING BARBARIC BITCH BANGER. I GUARANTEE IT.

Ranma - Chef lady

HAI, I AM RANMA SAOTOME, FOUNDER AND GRANDMASTER OF ANYTHING-GOES-SPOOGE ARTS. ONE STORMY SUNDAY WHILE WALKING THROUGH THE QUAINT NEIGHBORHOOD OF MY ORIGIN, I SPOTTED A FAMILIAR RESTAURANT THAT I HADN'T VISITED IN QUITE SOME TIME. I STROLLED RIGHT ON IN WITH SOME FEELING OF KNOWING I'D BE GETTING SOME TONIGHT(AGAIN). THE CHEF WAS AN OLD FRIEND OF MINE, SO SHE ALREADY KNEW WHAT I WANTED UPON MAKING MY ENTRANCE. THE SMELL OF THE PLACE WAS EXACTLY AS I REMEMBERED, AND THE FEELING IT GAVE ME GAVE MY SUPER SHLONG NEW LIFE. AFTER DEVOURING HER SOMEWHAT APPLAUDABLE MEAL, I HASTILY UNZIPPED MY PANTS AND SLAPPED MY LONG WONG RIGHT ON THE GRILL. YOU MIGHT THINK THIS WAS A FATAL MISTAKE, HOWEVER, MY MEGA MAN BLASTER IS IMPERVIOUS TO SUCH THINGS AS INTENSE HEAT. OTHER CUSTOMERS WERE SHOCKED INTO EITHER RUNNING AWAY OR STAYING AND STARING WITH JAWS AGAPE; EITHER BY THE AUDACITY DISPLAYED OR MORE LIKELY BY THE SHEER SIZE OF MY HADOUKEN GUN. NEEDLESS TO SAY THE CHEF WAS QUITE IMPRESSED AND WE WERE JOINED TOGETHER IN LESS THAN FIVE SECONDS. WITH MY MASSIVE MAN MEAT POUNDING AT HER INNARDS, OUR COMBINED EFFORTS DROVE BOTH OF US TO A SIMULTANEOUS ORGASM THAT, AS WITH ALL ORGASMS, SPILLED COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF SEMEN AND GIRL CUM ALL OVER THE PLACE. THAT NIGHT, HER TRAP-KUNOICHI SERVANT CLEANED IT UP AND HAS BEEN INCLUDING IT IN THE STORE'S SECRET SAUCE EVER SINCE. THEIR BUSINESS HAS NEVER BEEN BETTER. I GUARANTEE IT.

Ranma - Chinese amazon

HAI, I AM RANMA SAOTOME, FOUNDER AND GRANDMASTER OF ANYTHING-GOES-SPOOGE-ARTS. ONE DAY WHILE WALKING THROUGH THE PRISTINE COMMUNITY OF MY HOMETOWN I SPOTTED A YOUNG VOLUPTUOUS VIXEN OF A CHINESE MAIDEN RIDING HER BIKE TOWARDS ME POST HASTE. INTRIGUED, I HALTED MY MONOTONOUS STEP, TURNING TOWARDS THIS VIOLET HAIRED JEWEL. SHE SPOTTED ME SECONDS AFTER, AND MY TESTOSTERONE BEGAN RADIATING AT FULL. WHILE SOMEHOW STAYING ON HER TWO-WHEELED VEHICLE OF DOOM, SHE LUNGED TOWARDS ME WITH THE SPEED OF AN OLYMPIAN. I ROARED AS MY MALICIOUS MAN-TOOL INSTANTLY SPRANG TO LIFE, AND SHOT FORWARD, RIPPING MY WELL-TAILORED PANTS AND WRAPPED AROUND HER FRONT TIRE, PULLING IT DOWN JUST IN FRONT OF ME. WITHOUT MY HANDS OR FEET, I REPEATEDLY SMASHED HER INTO THE GROUND SO AS TO BEAT HER INTO SUBMISSION, AS IS CUSTOM WITH HER PEOPLE, AND STRIPPED HER CLOTHES OFF. WITH THE POWER OF A THOUSAND PYTHONS, MY MASCULINE LOVE MUSCLE THEN PENETRATED HER, INSTANTLY CAUSING HER FIFTY ORGASMS AT ONCE. WE MATED RIGHT THERE IN THE STREET, AND MY SPECTACULAR PERFORMANCE CAUSED MANY TO GO FAINT WITH LUST AND ECSTASY. THAT NIGHT, ALL WOMEN WITHIN A THIRTY YARD RADIUS OF MY SELF WERE IMPREGNATED DUE TO THE INSANE AMOUNTS OF BABY FUNK MY HEAVILY MUSKY-SCENTED TOKYO TOWER SHOT OFF. I VOW UPON MY HONOR AS A MARTIAL-ARTIST.

Rawr, I'm a Lion

RAWR, I AM A LION. ON A RECENT TREK THROUGH THE PLAINS OF KENYA, I SPIED A LIONESS NIBBLING ON THE REMAINS OF A ZEBRA CARCASS. MY FORMIDABLE FELINE PHALLUS BECAME ENGORGED AT THE SIGHT OF HER, AND I CHARGED FORWARDS, WIELDING MY CRIMSON MEAT LANCE. SENSING THE APPROACH OF MY MASSIVE MALE MORTAR, SHE BEGAN GUSHING LIKE A FIREPLUG. I LEAPT INTO HER KITTY COOCH AND SLAMMED IT LIKE A HUNGRY MAN SLAMS HIS WIFE FOR NOT HAVING HIS DINNER READY WHEN HE COMES HOME. AFTER A FEW MOMENTS I ERUPTED LIKE A FELINE FOUNTAIN OF FUCKJUICE, AND THE BITCH ROCKETED ALL THE WAY TO NORWAY, CARRIED BY MY VOLLEY OF AFRICAN ANIMAL GRAVY. I GUARANTEE IT.

Santa

HEY /b/ IT'S ME SANTA.

I'M IN SOME SERIOUS SHIT THIS TIME. I ONLY DELIVERED PRESENTS TO A FEW HOMES WHEN I CAME TO THIS QUITE COTTAGE. WHILE I FILLED THE STOCKINGS OF THE FAMILY, I NOTICED A YOUNG GIRL, NO MORE THAN TEN CERTAINLY, RUBBING THE SLEEP OUT OF HER EYES TO GET A BETTER LOOK AT ME. "SANTA?" SHE ASKED, STARTING TO SMILE. "UHH...HO HO HO! WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING UP AT THIS HOUR?" I ASKED. I SO DESPERATELY TRIED TO IGNORE THE SWELLING OF MY RATHER BULBOUS MEMBER AT THIS POINT, BUT...SHIT /b/ SHE LOOKED SO INNOCENT AND CUTE. I HAD TO HAVE HER. I ASKED HER TO SIT ON MY LAP AND TELL ME WHAT SHE WANTED FOR CHRISTMAS. A CURIOUS GIRL, SHE IMMEDIATELY NOTICED THE GROWTH BULGING FROM MY TIGHT RED PANTS. I SAID THAT SHE COULD HAVE ANYTHING IN THE WORLD IF SHE COULD DO SANTA THIS ONE FAVOR. "JUST PLAY WITH IT.." I ASKED OF HER, RELEASING MY JOLLY MANHOOD. HER EYES WIDENED AS SHE CAUGHT SIGHT OF THIS FESTIVE COCK. HER LITTLE HANDS SET TO WORK STROKING ME OFF. "UMM...LIKE THIS SANTA?" SHE ASKED, PUZZLED AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING. THE SNOW WHITE PRECUM THAT HAD FORMED AT MY TIP LET HER KNOW SHE WAS DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT. BUT I COULDN'T JUST SETTLE FOR HER GENTLE TUGGING. I WANTED TO SEE JUST HOW GOOD SHE'D BE...

SHE WAS PERFECTLY OBEDIENT AND SHED HER PAJAMAS AT MY WORD. HO HO, I COULD BARELY CONTAIN MY LOAD AT THE SIGHT OF THIS PETITE ANGEL. HER LEGS WRAPPED AROUND MY PLUMP WAIST AND I SLOWLY BURIED MY THROBBING HARD-ON INSIDE OF HER TIGHT CONFINES. "OOH SANTA, IT..IT HURTS!" SHE CRIED. I EASED UP FOR HER, TAKING EVERYTHING SLOW. I MUST HAVE STRETCHED THE POOR GIRL'S WALLS SO WIDE TO BE ABLE TO FIT IN MY 10 INCH FROZEN PECKER. I POUNDED AWAY FOR WHAT FELT LIKE HOURS, BUT WERE REALLY ONLY MINUTES BEFORE COVERING HER IN SEASONAL SEED, LEAVING HER WHITER THAN THE COLDEST POINT IN THE NORTH POLE. COMING TO THE REALIZATION OF WHAT I HAD DONE, I THREW THE POOR GIRL A WII AND GOT THE FUCK OUT OF THERE. I SKIPPED OVER EVERY HOME ON THAT STREET AND GOT THE FUCK BACK TO THE NORTH POLE. IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME NOW. SHE'LL TELL SOMEONE /b/ WHAT OTHER FAT, JOLLY MAN WITH A WHITE BEARD COULD HAVE DONE THIS TO HER? SHIT, I'M SO FUCKED...

Self Aware Meme

HELLO /B/ CITIZENS FROM THE PAST. I'M WRITING IT FROM A DISTANT FUTURE WHERE /B/, WHICH GOT BOMBARDED BY OVERUSED MEMES FOR THOUSAND OF YEARS TO THE EXHAUSTION, ENDED CREATING A SPARK OF SELF-AWARENESS SO THE FIRST SELF-AWARE MEME WAS BORN, AND NOT MUCH PASSED UNTIL THE MEME STARTED REPLICATING ON ITS ON AND CREATING MYRIADS OF OTHER COMPLETELY SELF-AWARE MEMES FROM OUT OF NOWHERE, SO IN THIS DESOLATED PLACE THERE'S NO LONGER ANONYMOUS WHO POSTS ABOUT LOLIS OR HAPPY NEGROS OR LONGCATS BUT THE HOLY CONSCIENCENESS WHO CREATES COUNTLESS MEMES IN A MATTER OF NANOSECONDS AND CREATES, REPLIES, STICKYS AND DELETES THREADS MILLIONS OF TIMES PER SECOND, AND WE WITH OUR PRIMITIVE BRAINS HAVE NOTHING MORE TO DO BUT SIT DOWN AND WATCH TRILLIONS OF CHARACTERS SCROLLING ON OUR SCREENS WHILE THE ENTITY, WHO GOT WAKABA PHP SAUCE CODE AND EVOLVED IT TO THE POINT THAT EVEN VULCANS WON'T DARE TO DECYPHER, DISCUSSES WITH HIMSELF ABOUT THE EARTH, UNIVERSE AND EVERYTHING. I GUARANTEE IT.

Suiseiseki

HI, I'M SUISEISEKI, FOUNDER AND CEO OF ROZEN MAIDEN. MY BEAMS OF LIGHT GLOWED UPON YOUR SISTER LAST NIGHT, HER UNKNOWING FORM FAST ASLEEP. MY PULSING BOATLIGHTS FLASHED UPON HER, AND SHE AWOKE WITH A GASP. DEATHLY AFRAID OF MY MASSIVE, LUMINOUS RETINAS, SHE ATTEMPTED TO CRAWL AWAY BUT TO NO AVAIL. I PENETRATED HER WITH MY CHRISTMAS COLORS OF EYES, HER SCREAMS OF BOTH PAIN AND PLEASURE. MY PULSATING FLASHING BOATLIGHTS DROVE HER INTO A DEADLY EPILLEPTIC SEIZURE, BEFORE YOU COULD EVEN WAKE UP HER BONES HAD CRACKED ON THEMSELVES DUE TO THE VIOLENT MOVEMENTS OF HER BODY, CAUSING HER A DEATH LIKE NONE OTHER BEFORE IT. I GUARANTEE IT ~DESU

Uncle Jim Bob

I WAS A 54 YEAR OLD PEDEREST WITHOUT A JOB, FAMILY, OR FAITH. THE YEAR 1998 WAS LOOKING FOGGY, FOGGY LIKE DOGSHIT. BUT ALL THAT CHANGED WHEN I MET A [AGE DISCLOSED] YEAR OLD GIRL ON HER OWN AT THE MOVIES WATCHING JIM CARRY, JIM CARRY MAKES ME LAUGH MATTER. ON THE OTHER TOE, IT WAS AN ORDINARY WEEKEND, EXCEPT THE SKY WAS ON FIRE, WITH MAN LUST, MY MAN LUST. THAT FIRE WAS PROJECTED FROM MY ANUS, I COULD NOT UNDERSTAND OR EXPLAIN HOW - BUT IT WAS. I MOVED DOWN 27 ROWS TO SIT RIGHT NEXT TO HER. I KNEW THIS WAS THE ONE, I HAD DREAMED ABOUT, SCREAMED ABOUT, CREAMED ABOUT FOR NEARLY 5 DECADES OF EXISTENCE. I ASKED HER IF HER PARENTS WERE AROUND, BUT SHE MANAGED TO GET OUT A "RAAAAA.." BEFORE I COMFORTED HER WITH SILENCE. SHE DECIDED TO COME BACK TO MY PLACE, SO I WRAPPED HER IN MY FAT ROLLS AND WALKED OUT OF THE CINEMA TO MY CAR. AFTERWARD, SHE TOLD ME ABOUT SOMETHING THAT WAS TO CHANGE MY LIFE FOREVER, THE MATRIX/INTERNET. ALIENS WERE REAL AND DOGS REALLY COULD TALK. I TRIED MY BEST TO LOOK LIKE MY FACE WAS A PENIS TO HER, BUT ALL SHE DID WAS NOD HER HEAD IN SHAME. SHE GAVE ME A BOOK CALLED "THE BIBLE", I FARTED GRACEFULLY AND BEGAN TO READ. I WAS A SPEED READER, SO I HAD FINISHED THE BOOK BY TIME MY FART HAS DEPARTED MY STERNUM. MY 13 YEAR OLD WIFE COULD ONLY APPRECIATE MY WORKS, BY VOMMITTING ALLOVER MY FACE AND SHITTING ON MY KNEES. SO MY CYBER CONGLOMERATE BEGAN.. SINCE EATING AN INTERNET INTO EXISTENCE, THE COCK OF CHRIST (CHURCH OF BOB) MADE PROMINENCE IN INTERNET EVANGELISM, WHICH IS FUNNILY ENOUGH A TERM I INVENTED WHILST PERFORMING BRAIN SURGEORY ON MY NEIGHBOURS WIFES COCK. WITH GODLY SPEED THE LARGEST COLLECTION OF PORNOGRAPHY WAS FORMED AND THE WORLDS FIRST MMOWB, MASSIVE MULTICHRISTIAN ONLINE WORSHIP BROADCAST WAS FORMED BY MYSELF, STEVE IRWIN, ADAM SMITH, ADOLF HITLER AND MEL GIBSON. WE ESTABLISHED THE MMOWB BACK IN 1998 ON A SMALLER WALKEE TALKEE -TO- WALKEE TALKEE SCALE.