Kopipe:Sex

A man standing on the side of the path

Well my first gay experience happened like this:

I was about 50 yards or so up this path when I noticed a man standing off the side of the path apparently staring into the woods. As I got closer I realized his pants were down around his ankles and I could see his ass. Now, I'm straight but I have to say that it was a really nicely shaped ass for a man and I took notice. I figured maybe he was drunk and just peeing in the bushes, so I started to walk quieter so I wouldn't disturb him. But as I got closer I started hearing strange grunts and sucking sounds. I realized there was another man blowing him.

Now, I'm not gay but I slowed my pace down to watch. I slowed and approached the standing man from behind. His friend didn't take any notice as his eyes were tightly closed. I came right up behind the man standing so that I could have reached out and touched him. That's when I brought the cinder block down on his head, hard. He collapsed on top of his faggot friend and I quickly finished them both off. I rolled them into the bushes and finished my walk. That was only my first of many such gay encounters.

AIDS

This one originated from a website for fags with AIDS fetish. True story. It contains a misspelling of TD4-cells to sound clever by way of pretension of stupidity, a tactic for dumbing down shit first practiced by the homosexual Lowtax-fellating morons in FYAD over at SA

Man, that's a BEAUTIFUL cock -- and a nice set of hairy, balls making hot loads of HIV semen! I'd love to have you impregnate a some of my CD4 cells. Then I'd have a strain of your descendants living in me always. Very Hot! Happy Fucking, Brother!

Dad likes me

/b/ I have a problem. Don't even start with the tits or gtfo, I'm not doing any "sup /b/?" stuff tonight. And yes, this is ACTUALLY a picture of me that my friend took a few weeks ago. So don't even start. I'm 18. I was in the swimming pool tonight at my parents' house, and my dad got in, and he started like chasing me around. Ok, we used to do that when I was a little kid, no problem.. but I'm all grown up now and it's kind of creepy. he would like corner me and then "tickle" me and kind of feel me up and touch me all over, but not make anything of it. he would act like it was unintentional. but he DEFINITELY touched my breasts more than once. I kind of just shrugged it off and figured he was just playing around, but he's like almost 40 years older than me. He sort of stopped for a while but then started chasing me around again, and he put his arms around me and bear-hugged me and i went underwater and I was pressed up against him and he had an erection! he was hard and it was NOT hard to feel through just swimming trunks underwater. I don't know what to do. I DON'T like my dad like that, but I'm afraid he has the hots for me...

Beat Up a Girl

when I was 13, I tied up this girl that was 12 with a jumprope, then beat the fuck out of her.

By the time I was done, her lip was split, her wrists were bleeding from the rope cuttin into them, one of her eyes was swollen shut, she was missing two teeth, her small tits will entirely black and blue, her pussy was bleeding, and I'm fairly sure that several bones in her feet were broken.

When I let her down, she crumpled on the floor and went into a fetal position and just hugged her legs to her chest and sobbed quietly.

I suddenly got very aroused seeing that, so I pulled out my dick (I has actally hit puberty 12, and was hairy, balls dropped and everything functioning) and started jerking off quietly. Eventually, I started to breathe harder, and she noticed what I was doing, and she just looked at me with this look of absolute horror on her face.

It was at that moment that I climaxed and sprayed probably my biggest load of cum ever all over face and chest.

Then, I picked up her torn shirt from the ground, wiped off my dick and tossed it to her.

I told her to clean herself up and that if she ever told anyone, I would go to her house and kill her while she slept, and that if anyone asked who hurt her, she should say a bunch of highschool kids did it.

When I think back on it, I think she was the first girl I ever loved.

...god I'm fucked up.

Calvin and Hobbes

Calvin lay there in bed, next to his tiger. His fourteenth birthday was tomorrow. He was getting older, puberty striking at his mind, voice, and body. He kissed Hobbes on the cheek, pulling him closer and thanking him for being his friend. Then it happened. It had been happening often since he was thirteen and he had no control over it. His erection tented his boxers, pressing against his friend's rump. "Stop.." Hobbes mumbled with a growl, pushing him away.

Calvin turned onto his back, pulling his under shorts down and revealing his standing pillar, about five inches. Average, he figured. He shook Hobbes awake. He didn't wake easily and grumbled and growled, but eventually sat up.

"What, Calvin?" He asked angrily, wanting very much to go back to sleep.

"I love you."

"I love you too.." Hobbes said awkwardly. 'What is this about?' He wondered.

"Do you really love me?"

"Yeah, why?" Hobbes sat up further, sleep forgotten.

"I want to mate with you.." Calvin blushed.

"Wait! What?"

"I love you so much, I want to show you how much I love you, how much I appreciate how you've cared for me over the years, and been there for me. Now I want to be there for you." Hobbes looked perplexed, he stared at Calvin, and then at the corner of his eye, there he saw it, Calvin's standing erection, dead toward his face. He knew instantly.

"Oh..." There was a pause, for a moment they did nothing but lay there, Calvin staring hungerly toward Hobbes' beautiful fuzzy face as he in turn looked directly at Calvin's smooth young cock. A feeling stirred inside of Hobbes that he'd never felt before, not even through all of the years they had been friends. He bit his lower lip. "Calvin, I.."

"Please, just kiss me."

"I-"

"Please, just once. If you don't like it, I'll never bring it up again. Just once, please, for me."

Hobbes was silent, but then slowly replied, "Okay. For you." Calvin's hand reached up behind Hobbes' whiskered, furry neck, and slowly drew their faces closer to each other. His lips parted softly and a soft moaning emanated from them, anticipating the taste of his friends wet tiger mouth to come. Hobbes resisted, but that only made Calvin pull him in harder. Their lips met sideways, mouths open, their labored breaths mixing with each others. Calvin pulled away slightly as they fully contacted with each other.

"Oh, Hobbes. Hobbes..." A wave of sensation filled Hobbes' entire body, every muscle quaked with a shock of pure pleasure, his body melted, his lips quivered as they moved wet and hot against his friend's. With each passing of their tongues, he became more ravenous. More hungry. More like a tiger. He suddenly pulled away, his claws extended, accidentally scratching Calvin across the cheek.

"Oh god, Calvin. I, fuck."

"Just let it come to you, old buddy."

"Fuck, I.. Fuck me."

"What?"

"I said fuck me. Fuck me now."

"Turn over."

Hobbes immediately and excitedly turned over onto his stomach, his ass facing toward Calvin, the muscles of his tail causing it to lift high in the air, exposing the bright pink, smooth asshole that poked through the fuzz of his tiger-cheeks. He moaned in soft anticipation. He was afraid Calvin's mother might hear. "FUCK ME. PLEASE. PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME WAIT."

Hobbes was nearly crying, as Calvin's hesitation was like a thousand stabs to his heart. He felt like his world was tearing apart, lest his old childhood friend fucked him in the ass, right then and there. "Sure thing, buddy." Calvin grasped the base of his cock, touching the top to the base of Hobbes' bright pink asshole. From the depths of Hobbes' throat came a mighty roar like that which had never been witnessed, as Calvin's hard, 13 year old cock slid roughly into the depths of his ass. Calvin's hips began to jerk, he felt the warmth of his friend's insides, he was fucking Hobbes in the ass.

He knew this, but he just couldn't believe it. But he always came back to that warmth, and it shocked him back to the pleasure of his present reality. "OH GOD" Hobbes roared out, his English words were barely intelligible through his native animal tongue. Calvin pumped faster, harder, deeper into his tiger's asshole, feeling the warm, wet suction as it pumped in and out. Hobbes' asshole began to bleed, and it only made Calvin hornier.

"Oh God, oh Jesus. I love you, Hobbes. I love you." "I love you too. Oh God I do." Calvin's thrusting was so frantic, that neither had any room for words after so many minutes. They simply fell into the pleasure, into the depth of the feeling. Two friends, deeply rooted in fun and adventure, in the science of box transmogrify, time travel, Film Noir, it all came rushing to them. Calvin thought back on so many memories he'd had with this dear cherished friend, and came back to the moment at hand, and he realized that all of those beautiful moments finally had a focal point. He finally got what he wanted.

He finally was making love to Hobbes. He continued to thrust, unthinking, until Hobbes turned, stared into his eyes. "Remember the time your house was robbed while you were away on vacation? When I was in the house? Oh god, I was so scared. I thought I would never see you again. I wanted to tell you so many things. That night, god, I wanted you to make love to me. I thought I would never have you again. Please come. Come in me like I always wanted you to that night. COME IN ME!"

Calvin's penis contracted in 5 spasms that shook the very depths of Hobbes' small, tight ass. He filled Hobbes to his stomach with his loving cum. He filled his ass. And he filled both of their hearts.

"GOD I FUCKING LOVE YOU. OH GOD."

"I LOVE YOU TOO. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH."

They screamed to the heavens, these two, best friends, becoming one. But they were cut short by a sudden noise. Calvin's mother came rushing into his room, her robe barely tied, her feet tripping up over themselves as she clumsily made her way to him in the dark. She flicked on the light. There, she saw her son, completely naked, hands gripped tightly over the waist of a stuffed tiger, his penis half way inside of a hole torn out of the stuffing of its backside. The stuffing from Hobbes' insides littered the sheets and the lower part of Calvin's body. "Are you, oh my god." The next morning, Calvin's mother told his father what had happened, after recovering from the shock, and Calvin's father spent the day beating the shit out of him, Calvin was broken almost to the very edge of his life. And when it was over, and Calvin was able to recover and see out of one eye, he made Calvin watch him as he shoved his stuffed tiger, Hobbes, his best friend in the whole world, the love of his life, into a wood chipper. Calvin cried, but his dad just backhanded him and told him to go finish his homework. The next day, Calvin's parents scheduled him to permanently see a psychiatrist. 3 years later, Calvin shot himself in the face.

Caught Snorkeling

Last night my girlfriend came home earlier than she ever has and caught me, naked, watching porn, and stroking it with a mask and snorkel on.

There's not really much to say at that point. She walked right past me and went into the bedroom. I quickly turned the porn off, put on some pants, and took the mask and snorkel off. Five minuets later she came out of the bedroom and asked how my day was... it was like she didn't just catch me throttling myself with a mask and snorkel on. The rest of the evening went as normal. We had baked chicken and green beans for dinner, and then watched the simpsons.

I don't really don't know what else to say.

Chet the predator

Disclaimer: This is not copy pasta, its a real event, picture so related it hurts

I'm 26 years old, single, and live by myself while finishing up college. I spend the majority of my time playing video games, reading books, playing basketball, and looking at internet porn and cp. Thats all good, and my life has been just great doing those things until 3 weeks ago. Every sunday I load my dog and an ice chest full of beers into my van and drive down to this nature area on the outskirts of town but still in the middle of a residential area. I play ball, walk the dog, and then open up my van and sit in the door way reading or listening to radio and drinking brew. This is usually a very quite part of town and no one is ever around so I can just chill out. Up until 3 weeks ago I was happy with this and then something happened. Somewhere in the nearby residential area, a new family moved in, including a very cute 13 year old girl. Three Sundays ago she happened to be riding by on her bike, with a little puppy following her. Well the dogs decided to go bonkers and she ended up sitting in my van talking to me for 30 minutes about her dog, family, and moving in. Wow? I thought so too...but she went home....all over...life back to normal right?

Not so lucky, next Sunday, I'm chilling, here she comes again rolling up on her bike with a loose pair of navy blue cheer shorts on. When she pulled up next to my van and put her legs on the ground to steady herself, the shorts popped open so everything underneath was visible to me, she had on some kinda lacy pink thong that didn't fully cover one of her lips. This gave me a boner on the spot. She had her dog with her and said she liked talking to me last week and saw me over here so she was going to let her dog play for awhile. She stayed an hour and talked about how she lives with her foster parents, worried about new school, getting on cheer squad...stuff like that. This drives me wild, everytime she smiles and giggles it makes my balls tingle and anus pucker. She now comes back every week including today, and I'm sure she will be back next week. I just dont know what to do. This girl has uprooted my normally solitary life of internet perversions and thrust herself right in the middle of it. I'm going to have to make a move next Sunday. I have two options as I see it: (a) kiss her, see what happens (b) throw her in the van and drive off (c) do B if A fails, I'm not sure what I'll do but I'll keep you guys posted, and whatever does happen, I'll have pics and video for sure. My name is Chet and I'm about to become a predator.

desafinado

"Yes?" "Oh, don't let me interrupt you. Please, do keep playing."

Her hands resumed their little ballet over the ivories, but this time the melody was not so assured. I could hear the thoughts in her head, could hear them in every note.

Who is this man? Why is he just standing there? What does he want? Should I call a teacher? Oh no, what time is it now, are any still around? Should I just wait for him to go away?

This was my fetish.

And her appearance was so well maintained. Not a speck of lint or pilling on her blazer. Hair that long and not a single tangle. Her hands reminded me of the way a spider perched on a wall is not very frightening. Not very sexy. Until it starts moving its eight legs in time.

And she did that thing, of course. That thing they all did. The little nod of the head as she fingered a chord right, reassuring it, putting it to bed.

It'd be almost a shame. That those extraordinary pale hands would soon be clasped over her mouth in horror. That her appearance, hourly in the upkeep, so prized by her and no doubt by others, would have to be disgraced so. My medical condition would see to –

"Was there something you wanted?" "Sorry? No, nothing. You play so well. Don't stop."

She soldiered on, resuming at the wrong place in the music, bringing only anxiety to a piece that asked none. Abruptly her foot shuddered on the pedals and caused an unbearable discordance. As I looked for what had unsettled her, I saw she was not watching the music.

She was watching me. Reflected. In the gleaming black of the piano. And that meant I could see her right back. Startled that I could stand behind her and still make eye contact, she looked away. With nothing left to hide from me, her playing became worse than ever.

And my penis became a rod of steel.

Mere feet from her head, I whipped it out and throttled it like a wild animal. In turn her eyes grew large with terror –

"Ah - !" "Don't. Stop."

She closed her eyes in a grimace but it was no good. The thwacking of palm on pubic mound was like a hideous clapping in time to her music from an audience of cock. The music itself became a mess. It was a lie. A tranquil piece played by someone who wanted to scream and run and weep.

It never took very long. The pressure in my prostate swelled and bulged. My hand accelerated to a furious blur, the clapping an entire crowd's applause all by itself. I could feel the surge coming, I could feel its thousands upon thousands of little legs –

"UUUUUNGGRRHHH"

She turned around just in time to receive right in the face the black mass that cannoned out of my cock. After the first salvo I squirted a few hundred more of them onto her clothes as well, down the front into her bra, in both sleeves, down the back of her neck. Naturally they all began wriggling and crawling all over her skin. She wiped a dozen or so from her face onto her hand, and stared uncomprehending at the impossible sight. First she stared, as they all did, at the giant pincers. Then she stared at the bugs they belonged to. Then she just stared.

Earwigs.

He just came earwigs.

I panted as I watched her, recovering my breath. Her face was still half-covered in black, crawling pincers. I always liked watching the reaction. Sometimes if they did something cute before passing out I could as much as halve my refractory period.

When she finally moved she brushed some more of them off her face. Where once was painstakingly applied makeup there now was earwigs. Where once was beauty, now was earwigs.

"My ...

Her movements were slow and post-traumatic as she gazed in the piano at her own reflection, and the reflection of like a thousand earwigs. My penis stirred, yearning for a comeback special.

"My f..."

She stroked her face with a finger. Earwigs hopped out of her right nostril and onto the finger. She began ... laughing?

"My ... FETISH"

and thats how i met ur mother lmao

digital love

"Make it a 227. Waist slimmer, nipples higher, areolas smaller and pinker."
"Very good, sir. Face?"
"Miller, Laura Anne. Circa August 2046. Gene code number –"
"We have it on file, sir. The same cheerleader again?"
"Did they change the no questions asked policy since I was here last, what, Sunday?"
"I am most ashamed sir, the question was beyond my bounds. I will call a human assistant to help you and log the error in my programming."
"No no, you're alright. She was a cheerleader, and she was mine. Now hurry up and cook up her ghost so I can fuck it."
"Please sir, our hard-light holohumans are in no way ghosts."
"Whatever, you bloody bots don't parse slang, do you. Let's get her dressed."
" Tampa Bay High cheerleading detail, circa August 2046. Loaded."
"Gimme my usual fets."
"Fetish augmentation loaded. Theme, angel."
"Face. Find me co-ords 26 x 401 x 006."
"Location found – left eyelid."
"Remove imperfection."
"Removed."
"Good."
"Are you ready, sir?"

The room was dark. With all the money I spent on her customisations I couldn't spare a cent for flashy surroundings. I liked it dark, anyway. I liked it so dark I couldn't see my own body. Only her, and the light her halo gave. She radiated through the door.

This would never get old.

Never ever ever.

Every one of her steps eight of my heartbeats, and it was August 2046 again. I had all the time and potential in the world, I could do anything I wanted, but wanted nothing more. She smiled right on cue and I held her and kissed her and loved her. She tied up her hair and I kissed her shoulders where it had fell. She closed her eyes and I kissed the skin of her eyelids, soft, clear and perfect.

Time stood forever and blissfully still.

For one hour.

"Was everything to your satisfaction, sir?"
"Near perfect."
"The amount owing is being deducted from your balance. It may please you to know this session has been discounted."
"Oh. How much."
"Your subtotal has been deducted ten percent to commemorate your thirty thousandth transaction."
"Thirty ... thousand ... god ..."
"Please wait while the transaction resolves."
"Bot, what date was my first visit?"
"Your account with us goes back as far as September 9, 2046."
"I remember ... I remember, silly girl ... she went out of the dome into the direct sunlight. To find something called a beach or some garbage. I begged her not to go. Can you imagine that, bot? Direct sunlight on your skin, in this day and age?"
"Transaction approved."
"It was a few days after. She pretended it wasn't there, or that it didn't bother her, but I saw it ... a wrinkle. It was small, on her eyelid. But I saw. I saw it when she blinked.

"She said it was nothing, said her mother had heaps of wrinkles, like mentioning that old warhorse was supposed to comfort me. That wasn't just one little wrinkle. No. It was a sign of more to come. A sign she would get older. She was so perfect, so mine ... how could she grow old? It was stupid, it was just so stupid ..."
"This is the end of my program, sir."
"She just depressed me. The way it didn't bother her, but it bothered her that I was bothered. She hated me staring at it when she slept. I didn't even suggest laser removal, what would be the point? There would be more. And more. I think around that time I started coming here. 26 x 401 x 006. Remove imperfection."
"Holodreams thanks you for your patronage. We hope you will come again."
"I wonder where she is now. I don't care, I wouldn't want her, she'd be lined and spotted and old, just like me. She wouldn't want me either. Does she ever come here, bot? Does she ever come and order me circa August 2046? Look her up, Miller, Laura Anne. I know it's confidential and you can't tell me, just wink or something."
"Holodreams thanks you for your patronage. We hope you will come again."
"I wouldn't blame her if she did it, bot. I wouldn't get jealous like she did. What's wrong with dreaming? Everyone does it. Real is overrated. Real gets old real quick. Simulations can be just as real, in their own way, right bot?
"Holodreams thanks you for your patronage. We hope you will come again."

Fatality

I just had the fucking craziest night of my life. Okay so I'm on my way to my girlfriend's house and some fucking old lady cuts me off so I'm pissed right? You know, one of those stupid old women who think they can get away with whatever they want just because they are some old cunt. So I fucking hit that cunt, yeah you heard me, I fucking slammed her from behind and drove off as fast as I could. You better believe it felt amazing. So I finally got to my girlfriend's house and I'm feeling pretty good about myself but when I walk in the door my girlfriend has a concerned look on her face. I go "what's wrong?" and she says "my grandmother just got into a wreck." I FUCKING HIT HER GRANDMOTHER JESUS CHRIST FUCK. So here I am fucking flipping out and I was like trying to play it cool saying like "is she alright?" and all of that sort of shit. Then somehow, and I have no fucking clue how the grandmother calls and says it was ME. HOW THE FUCK DID SHE KNOW? THAT CUNT, I HAD NEVER EVEN FUCKING SEEN HER BEFORE I HAVE NO CLUE HOW THE HELL SHE PULLED THAT ONE OUT OF HER ASS. So here I am completely fucked and my girlfriend is looked at me pissed and she fucking flips a shit pulls out a god damn cleaver from the drawer and HURLS IT right at my fucking junk. It fucking SLICES INTO MY NUT SNACK AND THROUGH MY TESTICLES. Immediately I woke up to find myself high as fuck next to my girlfriend who was pretty drunk. So I'm like hey what about your grandmother? And she says "the fuck are you talking about?" So yeah that was all some fucking crazy tripped out dream or whatever. I was so fucking pumped full of adrenaline I was just like "fuck, come and suck my dick" and she was too drunk to care about me being a fucking animal which was pretty badass. My girlfriend does this little twirl thing around the head of my dick that is god damn amazing that shit was soo good so she kept doing the twirling and then started sucking deeper and deeper and then something that I will never forget for the rest of my life happened. Right as I'm about to cum in her mouth... she rips off her mask and spits acid all over my dick. FATALITY

First time at the gas station

My first time at the gas station-

I pulled in to the gas station just as my car gave a final gulp of breath while shutting off from thirst. I gave a small smirk as I reached in my pocket and fingered the twenty dollar bill crumpled there. I knew this would be a very enjoyable stop. Next to the pump, I slowly undo the latch on my car, letting out a damp puff of air as the lid opens, revealing the dark, wet hole to the engine. My hand goes for the pump, ripping it forcefully from the stand, jerking the handle ever so hungrily. Slowly, ever so slowly, I slide the nozzle into the gas tank, the grimy sound of metal rubbing against metal filling my ears. I constricted my grip around the handle. A low cough of gears churning inside the pump, and I feel the gas start to come. Yellowish, clear liquid with a very potent stench flows through the pump's tube and gushes into my tank. The car sort of settles into place as the liquid slowly fills it's tank. And just as it really started to begin, it ends. I pull out the nozzle, fresh juice still dripping from the end. The hatch to the tank slides closed ever so smooth, and I pay the $20. I can't wait until next time.

Fop

At precisely 11:59 PM GMT, I press "play" on my sound system, a CD containing a masterful rendition of Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" prepares to play at ear-shattering volumes. I strip the glove quickly before the CD begins, throwing it hastily out of sight. Should I fail to throw it far enough, I must stop the CD player before the pre-arranged five second silence is finished. That day, there will be no pleasure.

Should the glove be out of sight and out of mind, all is well. I sit back, and let the vibrations of sound finish the job. I stare at the only image that has yet fulfilled my criteria for arousal, and a glorious geyser of semen erupts from my penis, splattering every which way in the room. I sit in a half-conscious daze of joy for nearly half an hour before I prepare for the hour-long task of cleansing my computer room once again.

Even as I finish up, I hear the fading whispers in my delusional mind from the image which I stare at so deeply.

Now if you'll pardon me, I shall take my leave and indulge myself in delicious pudding confectionaries before it is time for self-pleasure.

How to treat your woman

1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better." This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really hard until she cries (this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are).

3. Once a month, sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs; they love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is, say "you better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things, as they usually mean the most. Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them, because jewelry is for wussies and Asian ladies.

7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words "**** you" and grab the other girl's ass. Girls love competition.

8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset, tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that, lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "…because I can."

9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick." Women love those special nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

11. Warm her up when she's cold…and not by giving her your jacket, because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop bitching about the cold right now, you're going to be bitching about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there, she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party is dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you all night.

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. Guys always find stuff like that funny…why shouldn't girls?

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes, then jump up and scream in her ear. Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things (like basketball).

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her self-confidence, then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time you're in her house, steal one of her shoes, earrings or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way, she'll go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order, interrupt and say "no, she's not hungry." Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then punch her in the face. Girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts, and make sure it has your smell on it (but not a sexy cologne smell…a bad smell. You know what I'm talking about).

21. When it's raining, keep asking her if she's crying. She'll say "no, it's just the rain." Ten minutes later, turn to her and just scream at her to stop crying. Girls like a tough man.

22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.

23. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.

24. Remember her birthday, but don't get her anything. Teach her that material objects arent important. The only thing that's important is that she keeps you happy, and your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then, next time you know she's coming over on a trash day, leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that much, but guys think it's funny.

26. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call that you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited. Don't call

I lost my Virginity to a Goat

I lost my virginity to a goat. I was working at a bird sanctuary and they had some goats and sheep there. I was left to close up one day and I thought i'd stay around because the weather was awesome and it was so peaceful. I got horny and decided to act on all the animal porn i'd watched and found so fucking hot. I tied one of the goats up in one of the hay barns and fucked it bareback in the ass. It was fucking amazing and I was shit scared in case I got caught.

That was like 6 years ago and since then I've fucked about 8 girls and 2 guys and nothing was as good as that goat. I'm planning on doing something similar again soon and on a regular basis.

I destroyed my porn collection

/b/, I have deleted all of my porn. I have deleted a collection of pictures and videos that I built over the course of months. Holy grails that I scoured the web for, and at one time considered priceless; videos that I never even watched, but rather downloaded as part of a mass porn gathering streak. I deleted files that /r/ delivered, and countless nudes found right here on /b/. I deleted pictures that camwhores uploaded, doing things that I told them to do.

Folders that I took the time to organize were indiscriminately sent to the recycle bin. Untold days worth of searching, downloading and organizing were undone in a matter of minutes, and on the spur of the moment.

It's not something that I contemplated, it was not premeditated or debated in my head. I didn't do it out of fear of discovery, or out of some spark of morality. I'm not actually sure of exactly why I did it. But I must say, after it was all done, I had a brief moment of satisfaction. I'm not going to stop looking at porn; certainly I am not going to stop gratifying myself. But there was something curiously pleasing in destroying my porn collection. I think it's because with all the chaos and uncertainty in my life, this is one thing I had control over. I took control of it, I destroyed my porn collection and I have no regrets.

I snipe virgins

http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=1999948

My first lover was very experienced. The times him and I have had were wonderful and I learned a great many things. My second lover was a complete and total newb. I became addicted. The teaching of different methods, the teaching of how to have sex, the teaching of how to just go nuts, became an addiction. In some scenarios people would say I should become a domm, but I don't enjoy the pain, just the teaching and the control. I haven't made any virgins eat ciggarette butts, or whipped them, or done anything like that. I just made them learn. Learn how to please, and it feels wonderful.

My favorite quote is from the movie kids, "Virgins, I love em!". Albiet that the kid in that movie was a complete shithead. Also for the record I am disease free, I got nothing, didn't catch anything from my first lover, and since then I have been with nothing but virgins. I have been tested. Many times. Just in case. I'm clean.

How many virgins you might ask? At this point 58. Now that I'm at 23, well, pickings are getting somewhat slim. I mean you can't go for the under 18 year old virgins(unless you're a teacher I guess) and not be called a pedofile. So I go for only those that are of age 18 and above. I have many things to teach and teach them I do. I roll through myspace, okcupid, as well as other sites waiting for my next person to teach.

I just want to give, and as they learn, receive in kind. I have only had one man who has ever had any other lover but me. As for the virgins, I teach them, hang with them a bit, and set them on their way. Some have confessed love. I let them down easy and again, sent them on their way.

I snipe virgins. I hunt them, and make them mine for a time. Am I a predator?

I caught my sister blowing her boyfriend

I caught my sister blowing her boyfriend.

I came back from a late lunch earlier with one of my pals, this was around 4. Walked up to the front door but it was locked. I figured someone was just taking a nap and forgot I was out. Didn't have my keys with me and didn't wanna fuck up somebody's nap, so I just came in the back door. Walked in, took a dump, and went to the couch to watch some TV. We have a pretty big sectional, and I saw a blanket propped up with shit moving underneath it. I thought what any logical person would: It was my little brother playing cave or some shit with one of his friends. So, I figured I'd go over and try to scare the hell out of them.

At this point you should know that my house has window unit A/Cs, not central, so they're pretty loud and hender your hearing ability pretty significantly. This blanket was located right in front of one of our air conditioners(it's about a foot or two higher than your head would be when you sit underneath it.) Just wanted to elaborate on that so you understand why they didn't know I was here at this point.

Anyway, I sneak up to the blanket and sit right next to the blanket. Remember, it's a sectional, so no counterweight issues, someone could sit right next to you and you would never know as long as they're on their own section, and each section seats one. I sit there for a second, thinking about what to do, and it hits me. I grab the side of the blanket, whip it over my head, and scream "HAY GUYZ, WUTS GOIN ON IN DIS BLANKET?!" No one would have understood the joke as I'm the only /b/tard in my family, but the poetry of the phrase itself is reward enough for the gag.

Just as I get to the word "on", I see my answer and it slows down, so it was more like "Hey guys, what's goin on...in..this blanket...". There she was, my 15 year old sister on her knees in front of her boyfriend, his half erect cockn'balls hanging out the top of his shorts.

But still, I finished my sentence. I don't know why I did it, I saw wut wuz goin on in dat blanket long before I finished my question. It's not like if I finished it, we'd all forget the situation and have a hearty laugh, him with his dick hanging out, her with a sweaty, red-as-a-baboon's-ass face from embarassment and sucking his dick under a hot blanket for god knows how long. Anyway, I'm sitting there with my mouth wide open, with her's open as well (out of shock, not lockjaw,) and I'm shifting my eyes all over the room trying not to make eye contact with either of them. He's covering his crotch with the blanket, with his hand propping it up, trying not to get precum all over the thing. I don't know what the hell to do, so I just say "what the fuuuuuuuck", got up, walked out the door, started up my car and split. I probably would have gotten all pissy and over protective, except that her boyfriend is a really good guy and we've got a minor friendship brewing.

Came home about a half hour ago and they were both gone, thank god for that. Don't worry, I made plenty of noise coming in just in case. I don't know what I'll say when she/he comes in, it'll be uncomfortable for a while. Although, I'd imagine that making jokes about it would make us more comfortable with the situation, but I'm just not creative enough. Suggestions?

I cut my penis

/b/, I am posting this to you in extreme agony. This is no copy pasta, this isn't a stupid post trying to get attention, this is a serious cry for help. I have been faithfull to you, /b/, for many years, and now I hope you can help me.

I was trying to shave my genitals today, to make them a little more comfortable for summer. I had no razor, so I was using some titanium scissors. Needless to say, I missed and accidentally removed a sizable chunk from the head of my PENIS. I passed out at first, but I woke up an hour or so later, covered in blood. I was able to stop the bleeding...but I wanted to put it back on and hope it would all be better.... I used super glue. It's holdong on there, but theres still blood, and a really bad line around the chunk, and it hurts oh god so bad... I have no medical insurance so I can't go to the doctor, and I live by myself so I can't get anyone else to help.

I need someone on /b/ who knows something about medical stuff. What can I do? I don't know, if I leave it on there with the glue will it heal itself back on? Help me please, it hurts a lot. I've already taken 4 extra strength tylenol and its not helping...

I'd hit it

I'd hit it.

...if she wasn't a whore. Meaning, in an alternate life in which she wasn't a pin-up model and I wasn't an otaku that probably will never leave the 'states. Of course, in that alternate life, she would have to look the same... or at least, you know, close. Meaning I would still have to attracted to her. If she was ugly in that alternate dimension it would still be a no go. But then again, what if in that alternate dimension she was younger or older? I suppose that would be troublesome as well. Or perhaps a man that changed himself to a woman?

And what about personality? What if in either this or one of those alternate dimensions she was actually really mean, bi-polar, or had some other personality defect? that wouldn't be too good.

And there's no telling how old that picture is. She could have gotten fat, had a child, or had gotten into an accident since then.

...I think I just lost my boner.

i have 2 REALLY good friends

i have 2 REALLY good friends, and we each have a girlfriend, and those 3 girls just happen to be best friends

once, while my gf was out of town, it was me, the two guys, and their gfs at my friends place

my 2 friends each got drunk out of their minds and fell asleep

i was watching tv (mute on, i didnt want to wake them up) when i needed to go to the bathroom

on the way to the bathroom is my buddys bedroom . . . i went to the bathroom and did my business . . .

on the way back, i heard some sounds coming from the bedroom, and i thought everyone was in the tv room, so i opened the door and saw my friends' gfs naked, on the bed, fondling each other

i got the biggest hard-on in my life

i quickly tried to close the door, hoping that it wouldnt be too awkward, but they saw me, and made me come inside

at first, i tried to resist, because it would have just been REALLY awkward, but my temptations just got the best of me

they took off my shirt

i took off my pants

and we had a threesome

bj (from BOTH), doggy style, you name it

i think it went on for almost an hour

my friends and gf have NO clue

I'm an asian guy who hates asian girls

, they're so fucking annoying... i hate how they take pictures with the peace sign, try to be cute when they have mustaches and how they TyPe LyKe DiS~* ^_-, its really fucking annoying and unneccesary. They honestly can't take a hint that im not interested... theres this asian girl at my school who has more facial hair than i do and can throw a football harder than 90% of my school.. its pretty embarassing. and how they have no ass.. its like looking at a wall with jeans... i hate how they stare at me... they really need to spill battery acid on themselves...i mean you can't type your reports for your job LyKe ThiS~* its fucking unethical and retarded. i mean dont get me wrong there are some hot asian girls but thats rare, and even if they're hot they become more annoying and attach themselves to my arm like a fucking leach... sometimes i want to throw salt in their eyes to see if they'll shrivel up and die. and if you're not a somewhat pretty asian gir, you're disgusting... you can honestly cut some of their hair off and play them off as men. sometimes i get jealous because they have more facial hair than i do. oh and i hate it when they wear the color contacts... then be like AzN PRyDE! i mean wtf... you're trying to be caucasian.. i have no asian pride.. not with the asian girls i know... the only asian girl i dated was adopted by white parents... the rest were all white. i cant stand asian girls. DONT COME NEAR ME ANYMORE YOU SMELL LIKE CABBAGE AND YOU HAVE FACIAL HAIR.

It's not the fleshlight's fault

It's not the Fleshlight's fault, really. Just the fact that trying to use the one I ordered for my 34th birthday has rammed home the basic fact that I am a loser and that I am never going to get laid in my life.

I am apparently both too small and too big to use the Fleshlight. Small in the PENIS and big in the grossly overweight stomach. The result is that I apparently can't get very deep into the thing and experience the ribbing and other textures.

I ordered four inserts at once, three supertights with the three sorts of textures -- wave, ribbed, bumped -- and one ultratight. With all of them I have been having an incredible struggle to find a comfortable position to get in with my enormous stomach to allow for using the thing long enough to get off. I apparently developed a way to masturbate by hand that deluded myself into thinking I was normal. I am obviously not. I can only seem to go about an inch and a half into this Fleshlight before my fat gets in the way and the smallness of my PENIS defeat the purpose. The incredible depression of the experience makes it hard for me to stay erect as the whole time I am thinking about what a deformed, out-of-shape loser I am, so I end up only half hard or less.

Today is my 34th birthday. I have never had a girlfriend in my life, due to being a shy fatass with an ugly skin condition that I was afraid of having anyone see by taking my clothes off. I am so incredibly fucking lonely and depressed. I just want to be able to hug a woman, to hold her in my arms. Sex is frankly secondary to me, which is lucky given that I haven't had any except with my own hand.

I bought this thing thinking I would treat myself and make myself happier, but it has just driven home how fucked I am. I guess my only hope at this point is to find a woman who doesn't mind me only using oral sex on her because my PENIS obviously doesn't work very well.

Looking for a dad

Ok... this is a long shot but... Looking for a dad.

I have a problem and I dunno if this is a place to put it... I don't know if there is any other place for it so here goes.

I just turned 20 and I currently go to college here in Vancouver. Things are all going wrong for me recently: Broke up with girlfriend, lost my part-time job, failing at school. I have no friends or family to turn to. I felt so depressed I even considered suicide. But then I realized there's something I have really wanted all my life as I was growing up and I must experience it before I leave this world. That is fatherly love...

I'm not into gay sex but I really want to be able to hold a man in my arms and be held... that is something straight man cannot help me with, and I don't believe there are many real dads that do this with their son. I'm also scared of what mess I might get myself into if I post this information on a regular gay hook-up site.

The father figure in my imagination is a masculine white male probably between the age of 35 ~ 50? But I'm not racist so other ethnics might do.

This is not a hoax or trap and I am not looking for anything financially from anyone. I just want some emotional support before I decide whether to end my life or not.

In exchange for fatherly love, you can take advantage of me. But I am not open to anal sex, and if you are some horny child abuser... I'm going to have to resort to violence (trust me I am not afraid, as I do not even fear of ending my own life).

If you are looking for a one night stand then forget it. If you think you might be interested, you can email me for my picture(i'm not ugly) sdfklj@hotmail.com

Thanks for reading this long and stupid post, I just thought it's worth a try...

Masturbating to Yaoi

Part 1

Dear /b/,

I have a problem, I'm so pissed off at myself. It all started 3 hours ago while my girlfriend was taking a shower. She watches alot of anime/hentai and well.. loves it.

What I usually end up doing while she takes a shower is looking at her collection, and masturbating a bit, cause she loves it when she walks back to her room and sees my dick hard.

So I find a picture of some hot girls dressed in a gothic lolita dress and start jacking off. Unfortunately her 40 minutes shower turned to a 10 minute one and she opens the door to find me looking at this.

Now the problem isn't that she saw me masturbating, but the fact that she screamed at me and said "What the fuck are you doing looking at yaoi for?"

Incase you don't know.. yaoi is girl porn. I then told her "What?! I'm not gay" And she says "Those are guys dressed in girl's clothes with make up on!"

She then told me to get dressed and get out of her place. She later texted me telling me "Don't come back here until your a man"

God /b/. why the hell do they make this type of stuff...

(pic related)

Part 2: A few minutes later

OMFG!!!!!!!!!!! Ok I just called her and she hung up. fuck

Heres how it went:

Her: What! Me: Listen baby, I didn't know they were guys. Seriously they look like girls. Her: They are guys (my name). Guys (my name). Why were you masturbating anyway? huh! Me: Baby, I know you love it when I have a hard on after you finish your shower, so I was just looking at the stuff Her: So my body doesn't turn you on anymore is that it?! Me: Wut. no, I'm not saying that! Her: You clearly could have looked at pictures of my on the laptop, but you decide to look at yaoi instead huh? Me: what the hell (hangs up)

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.........................

FUCK!!!!

GAHHHHHHHHHHHH

Munging

So a friend just described munging to me.

"The one thing worse than genocide. One must first have no shame. Then he/she must use a newspaper to find the obituary of a recently deceased man or woman. Then must find a buddy, with no shame, who will aid them in this act. The partners then go to the cemetary where they dig up their victim, and flip a coin. The loser, (or winner depending on how sick you are), applies his/her lips to the genitals or anus of the corpse, while the other partner procedes to climb the nearest tombstone and elbow drop the corpse's stomach. Thus forcing out a blend of rich bodily fluids and embalming materials onto the partners. This blend is called mung. The act of getting this blend on your face is called munging. Chicks'll dig this one."

I need something related that can actually top that.

/b/, do your worst.

My one and only boyfriend

Dear /b/, Thats right. I admit it. I'm gay. I'm queer. I love the taste of another man's seed in my mouth and the feel of it shooting up my ass. Yeah. Deal with it. I now admit this cuz my one and only boyfriend dumped me for a girl he could show off to his friends. After I did so much for him! I've taken him in my mouth and ass so much I could have had 100 baybies if I was a girl. He said he loved me, but when the cance came he ran. I'm lonely /b/. And the only way to get over stuff like this is to fill the void with porn. Help me /b/.

Orgasm (more accurate depiction)

Note: This is a more accurate depiction of a female orgasm than the tearful depictions shown by doujinshi artists who have never studied human sexuality. Orgasm results in a general tensing of the body. Hentai depictions of female orgasm, however, look more like the results of torture.

Porn rant

Why is everyone so obseesed with porn? is everyone that desperate to have their sick fantasies fulfilled that you need to drool over /b/ all day, requesting and saucing and all that lame crap. You guys are fucking sick, go get some therapy. Flat chested 12 y/os is NOT sexy, i dont care how many people say otherwise. This site is going to the dogs and you all know it. The FBI comes and we're all screwed. So just repress it. Repress that fucking urge to come all over your niece's face because its sick. Its sick and wrong you faggots.

/B/ needs to change, what happened to funny? everything is porn now. Furry porn. And guess what? furry porn isnt funny, not anymore. furry porn is desu and you all know it. I didnt come home from work to see pictures of wolves fucking each other, i came home to see Gaston and Tom Delay. Show me /B/, show me what i believed in.

Real Doll

Hey /b/ I'm in a pretty fucking pissed off mood today. I'm using a friend's computer because the fucking FBI confiscated mine. I'm calling for a boycott of REAL DOLL.

Here's what happened. You can order custom Real Dolls so I specified that I wanted their smallest model with no pubic hairs and a perfectly flat chest. Two weeks later I notice the charge hasn't gone through on my Visa so I called to ask if there was a problem. The guy on the phone asks what my order number was and I tell him. I then hear him talking in the background to someone, maybe his manager and he comes back and says there is no problem that they're waiting for a custom part to be milled and won't bill my credit card until it's finished.

No problem. Well this morning the fucking FBI bust down my door with a warrent. They grab my fucking computer, they grab all my CDs and DVDs (even more store bought music CDs and DVDs) and all my videotapes and leave with them and take me in for questioning.

They tell me Real Doll called the FBI to register a complaint that I'm a pedo trying to buy illegal pedo products. WTF!?! There was nothing illegal about the Real Doll I was trying to buy. But the FBI said it was suspiscious enough that it gave them grounds to get a fucking search warrent to look through my shit for CP. WTF!?! What fucking country is this?

The most they'll find is maybe some legal softcore Loli hentai because I don't have any CP. Hell I don't even like porn of real people which is why I was buying a fucking Real Doll in the first place.

So now they've told me not to leave town until the investigation is over (which I don't think they can legally do anyways, until I'm charged I'm legally free to go wherever I want), I have to hire a fucking lawyer, and I've got no fucking computer or CDs or DVDs or even fucking video tapes until they're done searching through my shit.

I'm hungry

Strange Gay-Straight Threesome

So I have three friends. One's Evan, the other Doug, and a girl Jane.

Evan is gay. Doug was molested ages eleven through fifteen by a man. He avoided the molestation during a brief relationship with a girl that ended some time ago. Doug has stated many times he likes gay sex, goes on gay chat cams and the like. He hasn't really done much with a girl and his experience with a guy has been limited to the molester from our understanding.

Jane and Doug are extremely close. Their relationship reflects a mother-son relationship and is actually somewhat creepy to witness. He must hold her when they go out and doesn't go places with us without her. He is extremely dependent on her.

Evan and Doug started hooking up just recently. We all have sleepovers and they do stuff. It's happened three or four times. The relations are kept secret and Doug doesn't say anything to anyone. Evan has told us though. You wouldn't be able to tell they hooked up unless Evan tells you.

Just yesterday Doug was hitting on Jane and Doug made out with her. Jane was not all up for it but allowed it just because it was so shocking and sudden. Later on during that sleepover, Doug and Evan started to hand job. Doug and Evan were on the bed and Jane and I were on the floor. During the hook up, Doug would hold hands with Jane. As Jane noticed what Evan and Doug were doing she moved her hand and Doug began to caress her hair. Evan and Doug continued to hook up with Evan being unaware of what Doug was doing. As things progressed and got more intense Doug would squeeze Jane's hand tighter. Doug would make extended eye contact with Jane as Evan gave a blowjob.

What the hell does this mean?

Whenever i try and fuck my wife

I don't know about you guys, but knowing that gay marriage exists here now has hurt marriage. Whenever I try and fuck my wife, all I can think about is two sweaty, heaving male bodies joined together in government sanctioned disgusting decadent man sex with large calloused hands grasping and moist gasping lips joined with giant throbbing cocks ohh yeah

Gak

Dick Cheney has an odd habit. This bastard loves to masturbate using Nickolodeon Gak. You know, that slimey stuff. Years ago, when he was a congressman from Wyoming, he used to come into my toy store and buy my whole stock of Gak once a month. I never asked because hey, hes a congressman. But one day I was walking around Casper and I saw Mr. Cheney in his car. He was totally naked , and was masturbating. His cock was covered entirely in this Gak! He had 2 empties in the passenger seat, and was really working his cock. I was sickened, and was about to leave when the future Vice President lowered the window and asked me to join him. I couldnt believe he said that. I jumped in the car and slurped his Gak-infused cock up ohh yeah

Gilles de Rais

Gilles de Rais had us all fooled, with his two sided life. On one end, he was a fabulously wealthy nobleman. On the other side he broke into my farmhouse , grabbed my son around the waist, and carried him off! He took him to his chateau for a glorious night of rape, followed by death by suffocation on Mr. de Rais' dong. He was nice enough to have an artist record the event, and to ejaculate in my mouth as my son died ohh yeah

Pap smear

Dr. Huxtable broke into the clinic and held me at gunpoint. I was his patient, in for my yearly pap smear. I couldn't believe it when he came in the door for the exam with a machete in his hands. He demanded that I take off my clothes, and begin to fellate him. He waved the machete around like a madman, so i complied. I was forced, at knife point, to take his entire penis into my mouth. Then I rubbed my clit and got off ohh yeah

Circumcision

The doctor performed fabulously with his textbook execution of a four-point circumcision as he burst into my wife's room in the maternity ward, pinched a clamp around my son's foreskin, and inserted an instrument between the foreskin and glans. I covered my ears as the infant's shrieks intensified, and the doctor was gracious enough to quickly tear the foreskin lengthwise as my little son's head shook back and forth ohh yeah

Cat trap

I have a cat trap in my back yard and its pretty fun to check the cage on a friday night and choke a cat to death while you are half snapped. sometimes ill even follow up with a jerk session and blow my semen all out on a dead pussy. ohh yeah.