Columbus
Columbus aka "that fucker Columbus" was an infamous imperialist who colonized the shit out of America.
But what history books often are close-lipped about is the lack of success he had in different countries
The following list describes the different stages of his journey.
Contents
Stage 1 Spain
In Spain Columbus was born. Shortly before he was born the King of Spain gave him the imperialistic quest of conquering the world.
Columbus made a list with 10 countries to conquer.
But before he could start his jurney around the world he had to go trough the difficult procedure of getting a passport.
He had to pass several security tests and writing a biography. Since he didnt yet know about the following stages this was pretty difficult to do.
But in the end he had one. The king said "fine now head towards Germany, suckaaa!" and so he did.
He had to climb over the pyrenees and travel trough France. He passed trough Paris but at night so he could not eat breakfast there.
Then after several days he reached Germany by entering the wealthy city of Karlsruhe.
Stage 2 Germany
When Columbus reached Karlsruhe, he didnt belive his eyes. the city was fully immersed by beer causing total "drunkstruction"
As he plead his holy quest he began to imperialise the country. But he didnt anticipate the hero of the Nation; Mother Merkel!
As Mother Merkel saw the dark schemings of Columbus she arrived in Karlsruhe, shooting lasers out of her eyes and screaming furiously. Much like the Eye of Cthulhu from Terraria.
Columbus had to flee and Germany was rescued.
Stage 3 Iceland
Iceland was a tough stage for Columbus.
When Columbus arrived Eric the Red was expecting him.
Eric had a plan to stop Columbus from conquering Iceland and the icelandic beer.
As Columbus sailed into the icelandic ocean Eric attacked him with his Dragonboats.
Columbus had to flee for a moment, he needed another plan.
He didnt give up so easily and tried to get into the country at night.
He swam to the shore and reached the island without being seen.
Columbus sneaked trough the forest, he wanted to reach the top of the volcano because he heard that he could find icelands beer brewing secret there.
But when he reached the volcano a loud noise announced something evil and Columbus was quite surprised.
Suddenly Eric arose from the volcano on a big Nautilus.
The Nautilus attacked Columbus with his giant tentacles and Columbus had to flee iceland forever.
Stage 4 Canada
After Columbus traveled trough Greenland, he reached Canada.
Because Canada was not a very famous beer nation, Columbus was not interested in annexing it.
But when he crossed the border a wild moose appeared.
The moose ran across the field with an agressive scream, Columbus turned around an ran for his life.
Columbus jumped over a fence into a cornfield and fought his way trough the corn.
The moose jumped over the fence too and followed him closely.
Then Columbus dove into a wild river and swam with the rapid stream.
The moose participated in the swimming course in high school, so he managed to follow him once more.
With a third attempt Columbus climbed on his boat and tried to escape.
But the moose was fast an managed to get on the boat before Columbus could flee.
With great dramaturgy the two combatants looked into each others eyes.
the orchestra began to play.
The moose raised his head.
Columbus was completly stiff and his heart stood still.
Then the moose opened his mouth and with a loud voice he screamed.
"WELCOME TO CANADA"
the moose turned out to be very friendly and after a while Columbus highly estimated how nice and friendly everyone is in Canada...
After the moose and Columbus drank tea and ate bread and butter together, the imperialist had to continue his jurney and left the kind moose.
Stage 5 America
His next objective was America, he crossed the border near Montréal and arrived in Vermont.
There he ate a burger with double bacon and cheese.
The next day Columbus travelled trough New York and Pennsylvania, into Maryland.
Instead of conquering America violently, Columbus wanted to speak with the President in Washington.
Altough Obama was rather pleased with the idea of being controlled by Spain, he worried about the beavers.
After a tough conversation the President stood up and pressed a yellow button.
A hatch in the ceiling opened and a buttload of pure freedom fell on Columbus.
He had to leave immediately to not become an american citizen himself.
After this incident he realized, America had so much freedom, nobody could conquer it.
desperately disappointed Columbus went on and soon reached Venezuela.
Stage 6 Venezuela
As Columbus whent trough Mexico and Panama he finally reached Venezuela
Here he wanted to conquer the cities and defeat the famous Power Rangers.
But when he arrived, he was deeply confused by the bizzare way the citizens behaved.
there were strange Treepeople walking around, Indians living in big wooden logs and japanese farmers who burried full beer bottles in the soil.
When he asked a farmer why he burries beer instead of drinking it he responded with, "ビールは、ツリーを作ります"?. Columbus didnt speak Japanese tough.
The farmer pointed to a big tree saying "ビール ツリー"?. As Columbus inspectet the tree more precisely he discovered that the fruits of the beer literally were beer bottles.
overwhelmed from this discovery he couldnt belive his eyes and had to try that beer, without clear thoughts he grabbed one from the nearest branch and swallowed it with one gulp.
After the glorious taste of beer he experienced he went completly nuts. He died from liver failure but was reincarnated again some days later cuz there are 4 more stages left so he cant die yet, ya morons.
Stage 7 Atlantis
In Atlantis Columbus was quickly exiled by the chant of the mermaids.
Also he only had regular boats and not Submarines, ya know?
Stage 8 Australia
because of the COMMONWEALTH OF AUSTRALIA the autor can't publish the full story of Australia.
What can be said is, that there where big green Yannkeebankees involved.
Also Columbus had to fight against the Maori who usually ride big kangaroos and throw wodden spears.
A pineapple fell from the sky.
Somewhen a gigantic venomous spider chased Columbus.
Sadly he didnt have a opportunity to taste the australian beer
Another pineapple fell from the sky.
The princess is in another country.
idk why there is no beer left in my fridge. Goppäletti nonämol!
Well whatever in the end Columbus had to flee and blaablaablaa...
Stage 9 Japan
While Columbus was sailing on the Pacific Ocean the sailor on the crow's nest yelled "Nautilus, Nautilus!"
Columbus turned to the back of the ship and didnt belive his eyes.
Eric the Red and his Nautilus arised from the Sea once more and created a big ass tsunami wich captured the spanish armada and trew them into the heart of Japan.
The ships were completly destroyed and Columbus lost half of his crew. They landed somewhere in Tokyo everyone of them woke up in another street.
Columbus was completly alone and had to find his crew members.
Tousands over tousands of freaky japanese people walked trough the streets. only looking on their phone, watch or Gameboy
Everyone was fully immersed into his lonely life. Nobody laughed, nobody smiled, nobody talked...
Columbus tried to subordinate the people but he felt too weak.
He tried his imperialistic shouts but they were not very effective.
Everybody ignored him, he felt alone, misunderstood, insignificant.
"Is this what modern society looks like?" He asked himself.
"Are my feelings important? Is my work changing something or is anything completly worthless?"
"After all the countries i visited, i couldnt capture anything. Not even a single village."
"How am I supposted to control these mass of strangers?"
The sad and somewhat sick Columbus walked trough the streets, helplessly trying to find another sailor.
But he didnt recognize anyone. He had the constant feeling of seeing the same person again and again and again...
He wanted to leave this place rapidly.
After a long time Columbus finally reached the sea and paid for a cruise to mongolia on a whaling ship.
Altough mongolia is an interial land without any waters and coasts the whaler did not give a ship and drove directly trough china, into the Gobi Desert.
Stage 10 Mongolia
When the whaling ship flew away, back to Japan Columbus was completly alone, surrounded by nothing but a endless desert.
Columbus realized his tragic destiny and gave up his hope of successfully colonizing any territory.
As he wandered around helplessly exhausted he saw a small village consisting of 5 mongolian yurts.
He approached the village and greeted the mongols.
They were surprised and didnt understand what Columbus is searching in their village.
Columbus tried to explain what happend but due to the fact that the mongolian language was unknown to him the communication was rather... unprofitable.
Then the great Genghis Khan emerged from the biggest and most beautifully adorned yurt one has ever seen.
Genghis was well informed and has read in the newspaper about the horrible things Columbus did in different regions of the world.
He turned himself to his faithful warriors and shouted:
"Энэ хүн бол алчуур юм, Тэр биднийг боолчлох хүсдэг. тараадаг , түүнийг алж !"
witch roughly translates to "This guy is a stinky towel, he wants to enslave us. Chase and kill him!"
After Genghis spoke his whise words, Columbus had to flee one last time.
He was running and running with his last remaining strengh.
Feared and extremly exhausted Columbus reached a cliff and before the warriors could reach him on their horses, he jumped into his own death...
This is the sad outcome of the jurney of Columbus.
