Legend of DQN

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DQN

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A work of postmodernist literature by acclaimed wordsmith Captain Obvious. Widely considered the most important novel of 1993.

Prologue[edit]

Once upon a time there was a 2GET who lived in a castle. Pilgrims from all around 4-ch journeyed to the wise 2GET's castle for fear of the fib stealing their loly, which was their cash crop, but one day a challengere appeared!!

A bear in a black cape swooped down onto the scene, The bear looked around, taking in the scene, then he spoke: "Is this loli?"

The townspeople cringed.

From the crowd emerged a young knight, who bravely declared, "NO U!!"

Then Pedobear pulled out his enormous wang. "Good sir, let us settle this dispute civilly. Shall we duel for the loli anon?"

"ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT KRILLIN?!" asked the young knight.

*sigh*

"NO!" the bear screamed, as he drew his weapon and dashed toward the young night, but suddenly the young knight came into his own and screamed with great ferocity as well as pissing in his pants and shitting in his hat had ruined his cloths. Those stains would never come out.

Sallying forth to find a river of cleansing and do his laundry, the knight was overcome by the spirit of DQN which lead to the creation of a mighty boat which would lead everyone to hell and back from there to the bosoms of plentiful and lovely young maidens

( ´ω`) And Grandpa appeared!

His darkened for hovered in the shadows. >His darkened form hovered in the shadows. (fixed) However, his gargantuan glowing rod of manliness was not the only thing he'd left at home.

── =≡∧_∧ =!!fuck off >>34-35
── =≡( ・∀・)  ≡    ガッ     ∧_∧
─ =≡○_   ⊂)=  \ 从/-=≡ r(    ) 
── =≡ >   __ ノ ))<   >  -= 〉#  つ
─ =≡  ( / ≡    /VV\-=≡⊂ 、  ノ
── .=≡( ノ =≡           -=  し'
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄|
                  |
                  |
                  | 〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜〜
                  |

Battling against strong currents Grandpa returned home to retrieve what he had forgotten only to realize that he had become Darkpa! (`ハ´)

Chapter 1[edit]

Meanwhile, Pedobear was back to old tricks. He had captured baby Princess Peach, along with Nevada, he prepared his grand plan to RETAKE THE MOTHERLAND from the evil clutches of China. To realize this plan Nevada had to go back to school because she forgot her cache of molotov coctails.

Opening up her best friend, she found the molotovs and the sweater she lent her last year. Suprisingly, when she put it on, she realized she was alredy 18 as her breasts mercilessly exploded through the all-too-weak fabric, sending her nipples flying across the room. Why did her friend keep baby bottles in this sweater?

Before she had time to think she was startled by a russling sound from the shadows. It was then he appeared the Legendary Heroes by the name of longcat! With a quick twitch of his loooooooooong body but Nevada prepare to counter it with her sweater! The milk from the baby bottles showered Longcat who drank the milk, only to realize that it was soy.

He promptly began farting like a Elephant that got diarhea, but that fart is actually an embodiment of swiss cheese. Nevada had to act quickly now, she is so desperate so she used here summoning skills to call upon the mighty Monty Python bunny slipper. "Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it?" Well, it's actually Takeshi Hongo!

Anyway... The long cat was defeated. Nevada looked at her clothes and at her hands and suddenly it dawned on her that she had to take off her clothes. After the batlle it was so hot and steamy that the cloth stuck to her skin as she slowly forced her hips through the large hole left by her bosom, her clothes lazily peeling off one by one until a cool breeze floated by. In the door way none other than the wise 2GET, who then promptly slipped and fell with thunderous THUD! Luckily his head just barely missed hitting the open boxcutter in Nevada's recently discarded pile of clothing.

Pinching her nipples, Nevada used breast fire on her recently discarded pile of clothing. "I won't need those anymore!", she cried. What she was forgetting, though, was that she had a job interview in twenty minutes. The job is question was porn star, so she didn't need to get changed. She skipped merily to her job interview, finally free from the uncomfortable bondage that was her clothing.

Meanwhile, Pedobear ran away with his coveted loli and gave her a big, wholesome hug.

Nevada, being 18, and naked sought out others of her own kind. First she came across Hotaru, who was sitting in chapel. But this Hotaru seems, different, something is not right here, Nevada, slowly approaching Hotaru, when suddenly Ninjas! Hundreds of them! died of heart failure.

Hotaru with his stupis ass trench coat was waiting for the bus. The scent of dead ninja floated on the breeze. Nevada, naked, was on her way to preapre the ultimate attack by the name of MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA ZA WARUDO WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY, an attack that is to be performed only when fully clothed, but she didn't realize it was a requirement at the time, so she proceeded to do it, and 100 was obtained.

Happy, she proceeded to rub her fingers on her mobile phone, because its texture is is pleasant to the touch. She looked at the 100 and at the phone, then she thought that some other part of her would feel much better. And that is her left ear - an often overlooked erogenous zone. She quickly removed it, incase it became stuck. That would be a real problem!

ANYWAYS!! She directed her hands to the one and only chocolate cake in the fridge. She tried to resist its siren's call but chocholate cake was her favroite. As the first spoon of it met her tongue, she became at the same time asexual, yet intensely feminine. So she was unaware of the danger lurking nearby in the form of abstinance. So she said "why does outlook open to mail someone called 'sage' everytime i click on a name"

then suddenly a voice from heavens tells "How should i know!!!", Nevada hearing that voice suddenly came, because that voice was erotic. She then realized that the person speaking was no other than moot disguised as Santa Claus but with a Mexican hat, and a large bag full of donations and he had not so innocent feelings about naked Nevada. So he flew to Mexico in a balloon.

Unfortunately, Nevada got her foot caught in the rope and the altitude of the balloon was too high when moot finally noticed she was trapped in the rope. So moot dropped her into what seemed to be a large cavern of loli, only to see she fit right in. There, Nevada met W.T. Snacks and that was not a good thing. Because !WAHa.06x36 was also there, fapping. and no one should ever have to se that.

!WAHa.06x36 looked at Nevada with a gentle look as she found herself soaked with apple cider from Snack's Big Gulp Mug. Nevada used this to her advantage as she knew from watching MacGyver that using cider, dirt, a wet piece of cloth and bear fur could create a micro nuclear bomb to blow up the lock on the closed door. being naked in front of others was new her and she was undrstandably nervous. Just as she was wiring the detonator Still, she managed to squeeze her right eye until she saw the truth. And that was that >>137 has no understanding of English grammar.

The bomb prematurely exploded, summoning

But Nevada also saw that there were 2 different ways of reading >>136 However, she didn't care. "Hmm, only 180 seconds of power remaining," thought our dear Nevada-tan. "That's 20 seconds each. Plenty of time," and she grinned and pulled out her favorite box-cutter.

She then ran away, and shit fucking blew up. She found herself in the middle of Mexico. The first thing she had to do was to find some 300 spf protection against the sun. She's all white and naked you know. The second thing, however, was to escape from that group of sweating fat guys running after her. Again she decided to use "The grande scoll of secret animu techniques" But she hesitated because it may be a trap.

But on the other hand, the scroll seemed very VIP quality, so he deicided that It was the best course of action. Listed on Section 327 was The technique Kage Bunshin No Jutsu. Recognising the potential of this he changed his gender back to she. She then attemted to perform that technique, but it failed. It was an extremely unpleasant humiliation, so she decided to do that eel thing so popular these days on JAV.

The technique worked! The Sweaty fat guys were stunned long enough for Nevada to make a clean getaway. Aware of the fact that her part of the story would soon be over, she quickly travelled to Yaranaika International Airport, to go back in Japan, and allow Bridget, who is to arrive in Mexico in 2 minutes, to become the main character.

Chapter 2[edit]

As Bridget left the airport, and that was the last of we saw of her. Meanwhile confusion arose as we lost track of what was happening. But all was well, because it was tl;dr anyway. Nevada, Bridget and random characters from old posts decided then to fight to the death to decide who would be the main character from now on. The fight would take place in a small and dirty back-alley of Mexico.

Nevada started to wake up, only to realize that her plane had landed. When she disembarked from the plane and entered the terminal Nevada saw an unbelievable sight. Pedobear was waiting for her. He was wearing the clothes she discarded back in >>68-80. They were washed and pressed. The sweater had been fixed with a big I-Heart-Loli patch on the front. She didn't know what to think.

And so he grabbed her boobs.

What was it about that damned bear that made her react that way? Strange thoughts were buzzing through her head like a bees in a honey comb. Only thought was clear in the swarm; she had to... take a cold shower. The shower worked wonders on the off-topic 4chan germs that Pedobear had contaminated her with. As she left the shower, she felt the strong DQN spirit leave her body and head for a new hero as she passed out into the toilet.

At the same time, Bridget

Nevada thought back on all the people she met during her journey. There was the Wise 2GET of the castle and the Young knight. Gandpa and and his alter-ego Darkpa also came to mind. She remembered the scent of longcat's milk-soaked fur and wading through dead ninja with Hotaru. She could feel her mind slipping away as thoughts of Moot disguised as santa clause but with a mexican hat and a large bag of donations, W.T. Snacks, and !WAHa.06x36 floated past. "Is this how my part of the story ends?"

!WAHa.06x36 was determined to get a bigger part. So he lifted his head back and called for take-out ramen. the delivery guy not knowing that !WAHa.06x36 was actually NARUTO in disguise!!!!

and it happens....something that no one ever expected.... The spanish inquisition. !WAHa.06x36, startled by such force, continued to calmly slurp at the noodles. But this was Mexico, not Japan, and loud slurping is frowned down here. So he ended up in jail, where he saw W.T. Snacks and his large supplies of AIDS

"So that's where those supplies were," !WAHa.06x36 thought to himself.

"Well, well, well." said Snacks, rubbing his large supplies of AIDS "I see your Shwartz is as big as mine!," proclaimed Snacks.

"But mine is better", replied !WAHa.06x36, "and mine is bio-luminescent. I have to be careful because it reacts violently with... moot (who is OKAMA), and even more violently with peanut butter that has been contaminated with jelly. But that wasn't important, because orange juice inhibits the reaction, preventing explosion. So therefore there was no chance of explotion. But there was lotion. And locomotion.

And that was how everyone got on the /dqn Man Train. Tied to the tracks a couple of kilometres ahead was the battleship Yamato.

"Hey guys, what's going on in this Man Train", Nevada asked. W.T. Snacks replied "Why the fuck are you back again?", totally ignoring her nonsensical statement. W.T. Snacks stuffed Nevada into the fire of the steam locomotive. Her moe power provided it with energy for all eternity, and she never left it. That is, she didn't leave until that fateful day when... she slit cracky-chan's throat to power the fountain of eternal youth.

..killing herself in the process.

ZA ENDO.
Of Part I.

insert commercials here

Part II[edit]

In the area on the lunar surface called "The Sea of Dreams", Thock was slowly boozing himself up. He was celebrating the return of the eternal chicken getting liquored up and passing out, a ritual among his people. Unconsciousness just wouldn't come though. Not even the huge joint protruding from his right nostril and rubbing against the visor of his space suit was helping.

He got a brilliant idea. "If I remove this suit, I can can see the breathing of the universe. It was starting to kick in just one more brew and he could finally... know the meaning of embracing the Eternal Chicken. Then the explosive decompression caused him to warp to the land of our original heroes.

There he met Val Halen, The Viking God of Rock with his mighty Axe. The 40-story tall Van Halen leaned over and gave him piss enema.

When Thock woke up he laying in a puddle of his own puke. His bones ached. He looked at the landscape of empty bottles. That's right last night was the festival celebrating the Eternal Chicken. "Maybe I should call in sick to work," Thock thought.

But the Viking God of Rock was still there, wielding his axe with deafening power. The sound was too powerful for Thock's eardrums, and he passed out again. He woke up again, since it was a dream inside a dream. He looked around and noticed that the Viking God of Rock was still there, wielding his axe with deafening power.

"Who am I" he though. That would be helpful for the readers too. Thock thought hard:

  1. I come from the moon.
  2. I worship the Eternal Chicken and the Val Halen, Viking God of Rock
  3. I'm dreaming
  4. I use any excuse to drink, like worshiping the Eternal Chicken.
  5. I can taste the Rock flowing from Val Halens Mighty Axe
  6. What was the question...?

At this exact moment, Time paradoxed, and Snake came to the scene, walking in a cardboard box. He folded carefully his box, then approched the Viking God of Rock, Van Halen, and said: "Lettuce, tomato, special sauce, all on a seseme seed bun."

Val Halen rasied his Might Axe and smote Snake leaving a smoldering pile of ash. With a thunderous voice Val Halen Spoke; "You forgot the pickles."

"...the pickles!" echoed Thock. "That's it! That's the meaning of the Eternal Chicken", he said, finally understanding what was going on. The Eternal Chicken was actually the guardian of the Pickles, and he knew that to appease the Viking God of Rock, he had to pray the Eternal Chicken to give pickles to the Viking God of Rock.

To get his prayer heard, he had to climb the highest mountian and peform the dance of the corn. For the ritual he needed to bring... BFG9000 and a salad fork, both items which could be bought from the convenience store nearby. Unfortunately, he had no money with him, so he attempted to loot Snake's corpse, but he couldn't. It was too disgusting for him. So he decided to pull the required items out of his ass.

But instead of the required items, out came He-Man, a bodybuilder almost a trillion years old.

He tried robbing him instead, but He-Man put an end to his virginity. Feeling liberated, Thock turned against the chicken. With He-Man by his side, he put an end to the chicken's virginity. The thread was getting really disgusting and senseless when suddenly the chicken put an end to He-Man's virginity. While the Viking God of Rock sucked suggestively his Mighty Axe. This axe, of course, was almost as large as Albright's massive tool.

When Thock finally awoke his head was killing him. I had some kind of f'ed up dream but I can't remember what it was about. Thock was sure a bout two things: 1. He was truly awake, the massive hangover was proof of that and 2. He was better off NEVER trying to remember >>220-246

END OF CHAPTER II

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Part 3[edit]

The 15 18-yo Wakaba-chan sat in her office, surrounded by closed Venetian blinds. Reports had been trickling in about something called Princess Maker 2. It had killed 3. Only one person had survived it's brutal attacks, and that person was George Washington's nympho mistress.

Wakaba-chan told her secretary, Nihilanthic, to bring in some coffee with DQN and PCP in it. After the first sip she recoiled in horror. "What did you" and she collapsed before she could finish her sentence. When she woke up Freddy Mercury was standing in front of her with the rumored Princess Maker 2. He sang a song about friendship while showing the rumored Princess Maker 2, then told her: "Follow me. We will we will rock you." Wakaba-chan, unable to control her bodily functions, crashed the car into a wall... again.

She actually didn't notice she was in a car until now. How could it be possible to wake up in a car? She tried hard to understand the situation. Freddy Mercury helped her to get out from the car, completely ignoring the crash, explaining how they would rock her. Wakaba-chan grabed his left hand, his right one still containing the rumored Princess Maker 2. They walked towards the road, not realizing that they didn't cast a shadow anymore.

Suddenly, Freddie Mercury emerged and killed Freddy swiftly. He instantly took the role of Freddy and they continued walking. Wakaba-chan, of course, didn't notice until it was too late.

But that wasn't what mattered. What DID matter was that the rumored Princess Maker 2 was now free, and was slowly spreading gay porn to all the remaining W.T. Snacks clones. "nan desu ka?" said Freddie, as he removed his chastity belt. Then he began to rock stuff. The rocking created lots of bloody heads and purple limbs. Suddenly, Freddie died of the sudden and lethal disease testalgia. Wakaba-chan, as mentioned above, didn't notice until it was too late. Wakaba-chan was left alone in a sea of W.T. Snacks clones led by Princess Maker 2. "Why?" asked MY BIG JUCY COCK

Which was odd because we agreed to never bring up the Eternal Chicken again. But I feel like chicken tonight, like chicken tonight, like chicken tonight. However, not everyone feels like chicken tonight, like chicken tonight, like chicken tonight.

Those people tend to trust the Gorton's Fisherman. It's thanks to these people that Wakaba was saved. They called Kareha-nee, who led them to a very fishy victory. Unfortunately, the fish was tainted, and everyone died badly, collapsing into a heap on the floor. Or so it seemed until Freddie got back up, leaving the rest for dead.

But the rest weren't dead, they were just incapacitated by the END OF PART III

This thread will continue after a few words from our sponsors.

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And now back to our 2-part special episode of "Legend of DQN"!

Part II[edit]

Anyways, the rest weren't dead, they were just incapacitated by the excessive tentacle pr0n. Fortunately, one of them shouted "Surprise! 300GET", to rub in the audience's face the fact that their fake death was only a stupid plot device.

PART 4[edit]

It was a dark and stormy night, and W.T. Snacks had begun crafting the now legendary Princess Maker 2, with the assistance of his clones. "Ah, W.T. Snacks, we see you have begun crafting the now legendary Princess Maker 2, with the assistance of your clones." said one of the clones. So Snacks said "Homey don't play dat." Then, the door burst open as the clones said "The door burst open."

Suddenly, the roof caved in as a multitude of muscle-bound female homosexuals

and started playing basketball! It was none other than... Nevada's corpse wearing chaps and a sports bra. But the really shocking part was that the valkyries actually inherited Nevada's superior boxcutting abilities through gene therapy, forming a new army of thoroughbred boxcutters known as Staplerfahrer Klaus Staffeln 42 aka Popn'Fresh which was the porn star name for Captain Obvious. It was obvious that he was obvious. Obviously. Indubitably. It was plain to see that Captian Obivious' box-cutting ability was far below that of Staplerfahrer Klaus Staffeln 42 and not even in the same league as the original Nevada.

But his l33t yewnucks bawkz0r hax0ring skillz were almost as good like Michael Jackson.... ... ... they were good in the 80's but thier faces melted off like a Nazi opening the ark of the covenant. Speaking of Nazis, a trap door in the floor opened, and through it emerged Wolfenstein 3D guy holding a rumored Princess Maker 2

Thusly the prophesy was fullfilled and there dawned a new age of... Legend of DQN!

END OF PART IV

And now this very special message from the DQN Entertainment Network.

Raise your very own princess! Years of replay value! 70 endings!
Buy Princess Maker 2 NOW, and you will get (for FREE) an inflatable doll with the face of Creepy Richard - guaranteed to put the stuffin' in your muffin and the lovin' in your oven.
Also included in the package this incredible Order today! http://humblefool.org/PM2/index.html >>335 fucking enough already.... Anyway, also included in the package this incredible and when I say incredible, I really meant to say FUCKING SUPER EXTRA GODDAMN INCREDIBLE Order today! http://humblefool.org/PM2/index.html lifelike sculpture of Gene Simmons carved out of head cheese.

>>339 and >>335 were different people, but anyway,

PART V[edit]

Then, at the liquor shop, Ahmed-el Hassan was selling bomb belts and liquor-soaked Russian whores. Unfortunately, they had AIDS. So Ahmed-el Hassan decided to increase the profits by combining the two! The suicide whores' first target was RICHARD NIXON and his old childhood Friend Freddy Mercury in pyjamas. So the whores assembled and thought out a plan...

"We wil take Ahmed's belts where RICHARD NIXON is currently being rocked by Freddy Mercury. To move stealthily, we will post without tripcodes and sage this thread. But their plan was already foiled when Nevada and Wakaba bursted in and whipped out thier PRINCESS MAKER 2! Nevada and Wakaba quickly raised the whore's MORALS stat by punishing them and making them work at the chruch.

But Ahmed-el Hassan wasn't going to let them have such an easy victory. He was wearing a bomb belt ready to explode. He said: "GABBA GABBA, we accept you, we accept you, GABBA GABBA" and the suicide whores along with the secrect unlockable Ahmed-el Hassan joined Nevada and Wakaba's party. But you can only have 4 party members in at one time, so they kept only one whore and Ahmed, leaving the other whores to cry. They were really sad, in no condition to attempt to kill RICHARD NIXON and Freddy Mercury. However, George Zimmer was on the job. He is the Owner of mens underwear-house. He was naked in front of his mirror, preparing for his slaughter, and said:

"HI... I'M GEORGE ZIMMER - FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S UNDERWEAREHOUSE. I HAVE COME TO KILL YOU, RICHARD NIXON AND Freddy Mercury. I GUARANTEE IT."

Everything was ready. He dressed up, walked to his car, and hit the road. As he turned up the radio, he forgot to keep an eye on the road and because he was not buckled up he came, to, the, wrong, intersection. He looked at a map to find his way and went back to his planned route, hoping that his mark would still be there in spite of the time he just lost. He was speeding towards his goal,

>>362,363 I laughed. Oh, yes, on with our story! ...towards his goal, when seeping up from the deepest pit of Hell came... a pedastrian! Who as AHmed el-Hassan himself!

The end.

Now, for our special Hanukkah edition of Legend of DQN!

Is there a place of constant peace and endless serenity? Is there happiness? Yes. Visit Saitama, the true tama.

There are so many goddamn drama at my school that we ain't never makes it to English class. because of that, we ressurect this thread, and then something terribly awfull happens the... thread is saged. But that didn't stop sageing it... from broken English. So he aged the motherfucking thread. Just to sage it again. But the goggles, they do nothing.